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I am ashamed of myself for letting someone push me this far and ashamed to even put it on here as a blog but I guess that's what I'm doing so here goes.
She said that my addictions were not her problem. My own grandmother. I can never do anything to satisfy her. I'm never good enough.
I am addicted to shopping as well as alcohol, pain, shoplifting. I haven't stole anything in years and in August it will be 2 years since I have had a drink. I have an addictive personality. That's why you'll never catch me at Churchhill Downs placing a bet. Anyway, I got completely out of control on the shopping thing a few months back. It's so weird, sometimes I even dream about it.
I went outside after fight with my grandmother over money of course. I was feeling lost and confused. I put 2 cigarettes out on the inside of my arm. It made me feel a little better, a little worse. I cried myself to sleep because I let someone drive me so insane I opened up a bad habit.
I feel sort of lost. I don't know why. I can't believe that my own family treats me so bad. We don't know each other very well. But that shouldn't really be an excuse. It's clear though that I am just a person living in her house paying rent or whatever she thinks I should pay and that's all I ever have been, that's all I'll ever be. I have had mutual understanding with this woman many times on what I am to pay her a month. I don't expect to live there for free. Then it suddenly changes & I have to argue with her because she has forgotten or something.
Sometimes I wish I was dead or that someone would just kill me. My life is so fucking meaningless. I'm writing poetry again which is good but I have the hole inside. I don't know what to do with it. I don't know what to do the the pain & the saddness I feel. I don't know what to do with my life. I just know that I am so sick of everything. This place, my supposed grandparents, the whole thing just sucks.
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Posted by Faith on 2008-07-05 11:54:08 | Rating: | Views: 81
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I understand how you feel about your grandma. That is an awful thing for her to say. My grandmas would never say a thing like that to me. But it sounds like something my mom would say.
Maybe you should talk to a professional. Don't you think that would be a good idea.
I to have a similiar problem. I put it a post I had written on the 4th.
Hope that you get better.
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Posted by Emmy
on 2008-07-05 12:21:46
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hi faith...
please try to calm down.
someone told me once that 'every day above ground is a gift' because you never know what things are waiting for you.
i know that an unpleasant living environment can be very uncomfortable and frustrating and 'home' is a place where you need to relax.
maybe you can think about other solutions - getting an apartment with friends?
obviously i don't know your situation but try to identify the single little things that bother you and maybe one by one you can try to resolve them. i know it won't be easy but with some hard work you can probably start to feel better about yourself and your life.
good luck.
:)
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Posted by badlydrawnstickman
on 2008-07-05 12:27:15
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Emmy - thank you for your comment.
stickman - thx. You have some very sound advice. I have to stay because my grandparents are old and not so healthy. Some of your advice is things I knew I needed to do. It's just hard.
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Posted by Faith
on 2008-07-05 12:47:07
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throwing in the towel is easy faith. but see how far you've come. see all the addictions you've managed to stay away from despite your personality! count the positives. you're strong. and ending your life would be a waste of that strength. hold on. dieing is easy. living is hard...
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Posted by Slash
on 2008-07-06 09:02:44
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Faith, I have said this to you before, but I feel like I need to say it again, you have to have FAITH that things will get better, you need a little hope too, for your future. Please know, that the way you feel right now, is not going to be the way you feel forever...you need a little angel in your life to help you, to give you some guidance and some pep talks and maybe that person can suggest a professinal help you can talk to. You also need to know you are not alone, you have alot of people here that care but it would be so nice if you had someone to put their arms around you and tell you its going to be OK...we should all pray for some kind soul to enter your life somehow, to give get you out of your current situatin and get you some help that you so desperately need!
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Posted by roe
on 2008-07-06 19:44:17
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my keys are stuck, see, its a sign, we all get stuck sometimes! dont be ashamed of yourself!
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Posted by roe
on 2008-07-06 19:46:26
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One thing that simplifies a difference of opinion, is to write it down. When you reach an agreement with someone, WRITE IT DOWN, and both sign it.Have a witness, impartial,make at least two copies, and put away in a safe place. Maybe you can make some changes in your living situation, or working situation, sounds like everyone needs some space.
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Posted by stillkickin
on 2008-07-06 21:13:41
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Slash - thank you. You always seem to put things in perspective.
Roe - thank you for you comment. You are right, I do need to have Faith that things won't always be this way.
stillkickin - I wish I would have thought about writing down that first agreement. It would have saved me alot of hassel now.
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Posted by Faith
on 2008-07-07 15:42:01
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I am so sorry that you are going through such a hard time. I will pray that things will get better between you and your grandparents. Wish I could give you that hug that you need. Just know that nothing lasts forever and things will get better.
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Posted by Fancie
on 2008-07-07 15:54:12
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