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what happens when u have nothing left to say! nothing to left to shout about! nothing left to scream about! nothing to fuss about! i mean ive never been one to be at a loss for words but for the most part i have nothing left to say! ive said that all that i can say to my family and friends and they think its a game, i am my own person and they should know by now that i could give a damn about their approval. i didnt need it to help them with rent, so i dont need it to be me, i didnt need it to help them with their kids, so i dont need it to be me, i didnt need it to help them when they were having releationship issues, so i dont need it to be me. i have nothing left to say! they dont understand what a struggle it is everyday to get out of bed! to move foward and ACT like your all good when in reality you are hurting! when your body has all kinds of aches and pains from a rough night of seizures or when your oxygen level is so low, its a struggle to even take a breath. to have to hear people say to you, "well can your heart handle that" or "are you sure you should be doing that, you know you have BAD HEART". or what about the "epilepsy" i really dont need a reminder of what i have! so thanks! i mean i know that people are only being concerd but damn...ive been in this body 29 years and i think i know what i can and cant handle but what do you do when you are at a loss for words? when u wanna just stand up and scream and nothing comes out! when u wanna say "FUCK IT". theres never a suicidal thought but theres thoughts of just saying fuck it! theres thought of just getting up and leaving and never looking back! of starting over and going where nobody knows my name and no one knows my story! where the struggle is no more a reality to me because i can make up my reality! where the Epilepsy is no longer real and the Detrocardia is no longer my truth! when i cant get enough of the laugh and tears that are real and just not sympathy! not just cuz your my friend and you feel the need to cry for me or laugh for me but to do those things WITH ME! my images dont always fit my reality and i become at a loss for words! i no longer feel the need to be nice, or sweet or kind but i feel the need to evil, or bitchy or moody or just me! either way, folks give me a pass because they dont want me to "stress out" because OMG my heart cant handle it! wow, do you really think that is the case? are you people serious! im at a point where my reality is no longer your reality! my struggle is not your struggle and please dont act like you know it because it dont! your truth is not my truth but my truth is my reality! my reality is my truth! my strength, courage and wisdom come from within me! not you! i have to fight this stuggle, i have to be willing to say that i will step out on faith and show my face! i have to press forward and keep pressing toward the mark! so what do i say when i am at a loss for words! i say for God i live, love and move foward!
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Posted by Ev on 2007-12-04 01:52:01 | Rating: | Views: 79
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Dear Ev,
Thanks for a great posting.
Sounds like you have a lot to scream, a lot cry, a lot to laugh, and a lot to share!
People do make judgemnets and tend to stick labels on us, but you sound as if you have made a decission not to listen anymore. ( good for you)
I am willing to bet that you will make a good life for yourself and that you will find happiness in your being.
Love & Peace,
jwcj
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Posted by jwcj
on 2007-12-04 03:04:27
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thank you for understanding what i am saying! and i am still in the process of learning NOT to listen! taking things day by day....
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Posted by Ev
on 2007-12-15 10:39:45
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