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My mother is the only thing in my life since High School 6 years ago that makes drama in my life. I wish I could just stay away from it all!
I have strained myself over the years doing everything I possibly could to help her. Letting her use me, stressing myself out so much that I start do ing things I would never normally do, giving her money/paying for things for her, trying to find her jobs and places to live, being berated and yelled at by her, being beat by her for something as simple as not cleaning up the table correctly, and then I find out that she says nasty things about my husband. Such as, he's no good, lazy, cheats on me (supposedley she saw him driving down the highway toward her and knowingly smiled as he past her....and there was a strange girl with her head down in his lap) not to mention she said that our children will be deformed! He has a slight chest birth defect, where it's dented in a little, but it is not a deformity and birth defects happen! Now she’s showing up at my apartment without being invited or calling ahead (I gave her a calling card...find a payphone at least!) asking for help with stuff. Ya...I helped her. And now she’s giving my phone number to people about selling stuff and credit card people. I then feel obligated to drive to her apartment to tell her someone called...she never asked me if she could give out my number! She just does! I'm going to start getting calls now from strange people and I don't like that. She could at least tell me who so I can expect it.
I feel horrible that I can’t/won’t help her as much as she "hopes" I will. I get the guilt trip every time she talks to me about how she has nothing, no food, no rent money, etc. Yes...I have bought her groceries more than once. Yes I have given her money in the past, and just as recently as helping to pay her moving guys a month ago... I can’t give her more time or money. I won’t. I can’t. She might get evicted...then what. We all know what...she’s gonna be knocking on my door. Nope, not gonna happen. She’s not moving in with me. I will not loose my husband because my mother made her own bad choices.
Funny thing is she always says she needs something. She needs money, she’s gonna get evicted....on and on....then she’s fine. Or even worse she says she needs help and then buys something, like a laptop or a car. (yes...years ago she asked family for money for rent, etc. and then a week later showed up in a car she had paid for with in cash...brand new...13,000. She said she had been saving up for years...I'm sure she did, but you don't literally not touch it if you can't pay rent. She had a perfectly fine car before it! Now she needs to sell stuff for rent. Yes, I put it on the internet for her. Yes I went right to her apartment after getting the unexpected call from an antiques dealer.
It’s hard to put up with my mother, and stay strong when she begins the guilt trip...it’s worse when there's someone there echoing what I’m hearing in her veiled hints..."why don’t I help her more" "why don’t I buy her a cell and put her on my plan" "why don’t I live with her" "she NEEDS money...I should help" (These are things he did say...not to mentioned he added a "You look better in that picture, and your hair like that" --- refering to my senior prom picture compared to my "messy just outta the shower after work no makeup rushed over there to get it over with cause someone called me" look. How rude is that? All of these things were actually said to me by her neighbor who came over that night. He is a kid, literally a teenager. And he visits her multiple times a day, so I know she tells him all kinds of stuff, the problem is she makes things up too. And she's probably using him. I overheard that she gets things from him, like garbage bags!
FIRST: It’s not HIS business...he’s only been told what she wanted him to hear...as far as I know and more than likely she made something up to tell him. SECOND: I can’t explain to a 14 year old why....as I said before--it’s not his business!
THIRD: I’m I the only one that thinks it is REALLY wierd that my mother’s 14 year old neighbor visits her up to 4 times a day?
This is such a dichotomy. I hate her but I love her. Yes...I know I have so many people that love me, but it is different. She raised me as a single parent until I was 8, then I had a step-father for quite a few years, but they split and I was stuck with her again. Then my own biological father passes away when I was 16, right before we had begun to form a bond for the first time. She’s all I have ever had as a parent. Loving family is one thing. Parent is another. It’s hard to understand, but I can’t just cut her loose.
I may not be able to cut her loose, but I refuse to do her every bidding though. Not anymore. I’ll be the good daughter, have her over once in awhile for dinner close to the holidays, send a card, the "normal" stuff. but I will not bend over backwards anymore. She is not healthy to be around, mentally or physically.
And yes...I’ve told her the way she is before. She won’t listen. I’ve told her she needs help, that she’s angry, that she yells too much and so much more. She won’t listen and just acts like it was never said...
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Posted by Embers on 2008-04-12 02:16:32 | Rating: | Views: 89
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I can sympathize with you.
My mother is a “needy” person as well. She does not need me for financial reasons but she feels she needs me for emotional reasons. I am pretty much obligated to visit her every Friday night.
If I am too tired from working 50 hours a week, or if I feel sick and don’t want to spread it, or even have something work related (like servers going down or something similar), she pulls the tired depressed mood out of her bag of many emotional tricks and says stuff with a sigh like “Its ok, work comes before family… or but then, who is going to go with me to run errands”
As the oldest of three sisters, the only single one living locally, she feels that I have all the time in the world to devote to listening to her whine about how her husband (my stepfather) doesn’t like to spend time doing anything with her or that when he comes home from work all he does is go into his little “office” to watch TV all night until its time to go to bed. She has been married to him for 15 years now and wont get a divorce because she feels that she cant live alone and doesn’t want to be divorced for a 3rd time and at the age of 56. She is large and not in very good health and constantly complains that she needs to lose weight while eating a second or third helping of food. I know she has a habit of eating when she is stressed… but still. If you know what your triggers are, then you need to find something healthier to shack on instead of meatloaf sandwiches or 1/8th of an 8 inch cake. I don’t like veggies but I still eat fruit and stuff to stay somewhat healthy although I do not have a models body.
I get so tired of listening to her and being around her depression that I have come to HATE Fridays. Literally cringe when I wake up on Friday morning. Praying that the day goes by so fast, that I can blink and be at home tucked in my bed again and the day is over.
Perhaps we could put them both in the same UNPADDED room and see what happens. :)
Good luck with your resolve to give her “tough love.”
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Posted by pinkcouch
on 2008-04-12 02:41:36
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