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I don't think I've never felt like more of a horrible person. I did what I had to do to keep myself safe (mentally and physically), and to keep my husband. I had to refuse my mother asking to live with me last night.
I got an e-mail that the previous night my mom was robbed. Someone was watching where she hid her purse, and when she went to the back of her car, he took it and ran. I wrote her back giving her some advice....
Tonight, I got a call around midnight, from my mom, using her neighbor friend's phone. Turns out she's been parking at her evicted apartments and he and his family have been letting her use their bathroom and feeding her. But, tonight the apartment manager told her she needs to move on, or they are calling the police. Then there was a long awkward silence...and I asked her if she was asking me if she could park here. She said yes, if that would be ok. I told her I didn't care, and as long as she wasn't in someone's spot, plus I doubt anyone would notice, but I couldn't keep anyone from being bothered if they did notice.
Then she continued on asking about bathrooms...I told her there are no public bathrooms here. The pool bathroom is behind a locked gate, and I can't give her that key. She asked about my bathroom. I just kept telling her I couldn't, and then she asked if she could live here in our spare bedroom. I told her no, that it isn't a possibility. That it isn't just my decision, I am married, and it isn't possible. I told her she and I can not live together, we fight, it's not healthy for me. She said, ya....we fight sometimes. (As if it's not every day, or waking up to her screaming) She asked again, even if just for tonight. I just kept telling her sorry and I couldn't. She went on if that would just be for her, or for any parents of ours. I didn't answer. I just kept telling her sorry. SHe went on that I am her daughter, I'm supposed to take care of her, I just kept saying sorry.
Then she asked if she could have some money to get her by, since her purse was stolen. (which I know is true...she went to her neighbors yesterday night and used their phone to call the police). Even though I know I shouldn't of, I said yes. I can spare some right now, and so I gave her what I could. I told her she could come get it whenever. She asked if I could bring it to her, at her neighbors tonight. I probably shouldn't have, but I wanted to get it out of the way, so I said ok. My husband was asleep, I tried explaining to him what was going on, but I guess I failed to mention that she was at her old apartments at her neighbors. He was very upset with me and still is. Not so much for giving her money, but because I actually went out there, without him. He was sleeping though, and I didn't want to make him get up. I guess I should of.
I got there, and refused to come in the neighbors apartment, I didn't want to feel any worse. I gave her the money, hugged her...couldn't help but cry, she was crying. She wouldn't let me go either. Way beyond our hugging needing to stop, and I just kinda stood there...I didn't want to pry her off, but I couldn't hug her anymore. Then she kept making me look her in the eye, everytime I'd look down or fiddle with my glasses she'd do that finger on the chin thing. Then she called me her little girl. That I would always be her little girl. Then she was asking what she's gonna do. Her neighbors mom seems like a nice Christian woman, but she started going on about how my mom is looking everyday for a job, and she's in a bad time in her life right now. I told her I know. I told my mom I'm sorry over and over, that I couldn't. Her neighbor asked me where she's gonna live, and all three just stared in silence at me. Most awkward moment in my life. I just said I don't know. I'm sorry, etc. etc. She said she wished things were different between us, and that she wished we could have a better relationship and that we could work on it. I just kept saying sorry. She asked what are 'we' (as in her and me) gonna do. I said I don't know. I told her she can park at my apts., like I said before, but I'm not gonna be there for her to use the bathroom or feed her, I'm not always home, and I don't have that much extra money to feed her as well. I told her sorry, and that I have to go. She watched me walk to my car, and that was that. I don't know where she's going now, since her apartments don't want her parking there.
My husband kept calling me, telling me to come home. He was upset. I felt so bad. I've never been so upset. Even when my father passed away (granted--we barely knew each other). I was so upset, I actually got sick and starting throwing up and dry heaving. I couldn't sleep. I finally fell asleep about an hour before my huband left for work. But then I woke up when he left. I decided on taking some sleeping pills, but it was morning, so I called my work and asked to work a half shift later in the day. My boss was ok with it...but I still feel bad about putting people at work in that predicament because I can't control my emotions. I usually am stronger than this, I usually can get myself at least composed enough to stop crying. I had trouble a couple weeks ago doing that, but I finally got it together. Now I'm gonna have to tell the other managers, they are gonna want to know what's going on.
My husband called me a little after I had taken my pills and started to sleep, he kept telling me not to take too many. It's not like I want to die or permantly sleep, I'd just like more than an hour. He's upset with me, I should have woken him up. I shouldn't have gone out in the middle of the night. Anyways, I slept until the afternoon. Then cried. Kept crying. Finally stopped. I can't seem to cry anymore. I have a really bad headache too. I feel like a fucking basketcase. I need to go take a shower now. Maybe this is all behind me? I feel like a horrible person. But I can not let her live with me. Even the people who work at the shelter I called for her told me I can't. If I do, she won't hit the bottom and try to make it better herself. If I do, she will always rely on me....
Plus, if I do I will loose my husband and I am not willing to do that. I'm not willing to let him be subjecated to her anger and hate. I can not live without him, I will not make him leave me.
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Posted by Embers on 2008-07-30 18:13:13 | Rating: | Views: 22
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