Sometimes I have trouble going to those who are close to me, like my family or husband, for help when I think I should be able to handle it. Even though I probably should get help, usually it involves advice, somthing with my mother, or work. Lately, I have been trying to control how much I drink, and it wasn't working, so I went to my husband.

I'm not dependant on alcohol, and it's not ruining my life or anything like that, but I was beginning to feel ashamed at how much I was drinking. I think I was abusing it though. I was having 3-4 drinks a night, every night after work. When my husband was not already asleep, I would have less, and when my sister was spending the night I didn't have any (she looks up to me). It helped me relax, to stop worrying about everything in my life, and help the anxiety. (Though sometimes it had the opposite effect, I would begin to cry and sob over everything, so then I would drink more).  I think about it all the time the past few months, at work, when I wake up (though I never did if I had to work or go somewhere). I like to think I can control myself, and when I couldn't control thinking about it all the time, I was really ashamed. After I fell asleep/passed out in the tub I really wanted to stop, and after a week I had more. Thinking who cares? It's only a few glasses... It's not me though.

 I told him after he got home, after agonizing over it all day if I should or not, that I wanted his help. I wanted to go back to what it was, only drinking once in awhile, and not always thinking about it. I had begun to pour out all the alcohol. I only got past a couple bottles of stuff that I didn't really like, but when I got to the stuff that I like, I couldn't do it by myself. So when he got home I told him I drank every day. He said it was ok, people have drinks to relax every day. I told him how much, how I always think about it, how I checked the mail constantly for my new license so I could buy more.... I only drank a lot when he was already asleep, or on his game, and I don't think he knew how much I was having, and he consoled me and helped me get rid of it.

That was a couple days ago, I wanted a drink really bad the other night, work sucked and I was stressed and had a headache. All we have left is a couple boxes of wine coolers left over from our wedding that he's gonna give away. I was going to, but he wouldn't leave me alone. He wanted me to come to bed, and when I said I wanted to watch TV, assuming he'd stay in bed, but he came with me. I don't know if he knew somehow or just wanted to spend time with me, but it made me snap out of it and realize "What the fuck am I doing!?, tyring to go behind his back?" I had the worst headache that night. (Not from drinking, I'm not addicted, it was just a hard day) He brought me medicine and a cold cloth. Finally I fell asleep, felt so much better the next morning.

Today I didn't think about drinking as much. Only a little bit, but definitly not as much. It could be because today was better, I have some days off now, I'm gonna rest, get stuff done, finish my painting. No drinking.