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So I'm the fat girl always have been even a few years ago when I dropped 100lbs, I was still the fat girl. I'm also the sick girl and at this current moment all of my medical issues have nothing to do with my weight, and one of my conditions aids in the prevention of my weight loss, the side effects of being overweight are slowly making their presence known. I'm always getting blood work done and last year I knew that if I kept on this current path that my weight would become a factor in my health. I've even been avoiding one of my specialists because I know he will yell.
With my most recent visit to the doctor while I'm still not showing any signs of becoming diabetic, which isn't really expected to happen, because I am taking a diabetic drug to treat my polycycstic ovarian syndrome, because I can't receive the normal treatment of birth control because I am prone to blood clots, my cholestrol is rising and it's not something that runs in my family genetically.
I know that I need to loose the weight and I know I'm capable of loosing the weight because I came so close last time to reaching my goal. My doctor keeps offering the assistance of drugs, but last thing I want to do is pop another pill. They say you should diet with someone because it's something you can bond over and have a great support system, not me I turn it into a competition and when I feel like I'm failing whether I actually am or not I turn to food. When someone else cheats I cheat to because I am the queen of rationalization.
When I initially started loosing weight back in mid summer of 2003 I dropped about 100lbs in 6 months totally healthy and maintained that weight for a few months and very slowly that weight began to come back on. I had gone from 320lbs to 220lbs. My parents decided to take our of family on a cruise in 2005 and I weighted myself and I had gotten back up to 290lbs and I wanted to get down to 220 before we left. Initially I worked really hard, but I cheated and cheated a lot and would then force myself to vomit. I would weigh myself on daily basis and when I saw I gained weight would feel awful and set myself up for failure again. I did manage to drop 50lbs in 4 months, but due to my past success with the plan I just wasn't satisfied.
When we returned from our vacation, and I have to admit I was pretty good while I was on the cruise, yoga at sunrise on morning, walking the deck the next, or hitting the treadmill of the front of the ship and it glided over the vast Carribean sea. Returning home meant heading back to school and stress which only led to putting on the weight I had lost. In 2006 I decided I had to work to loose the weight, so I was going to try another program and I joined a gym late in the year. I started off strong, but was only yo-yoing 10-20 lbs between 310 and 330. Then my ambition died off even though with my initiation fee along at this club I could have bought a treadmill. Don't get my wrong it was amazing place with great benefits. Then my coworker joined and we would go together, but that soon died off to.
I seemed to be out of steam and ambition even though pictures of myself constantly reminded me of what a slob I looked like. I'm the opposite of most women I see myself being thinner then I actually am. Now I'm not going out and wearing a middriff shirt or mini skirt and I knew I was fat, but because I'm so unproportioned I never really saw how fat I was unless I saw a pic of myself. I try to avoid photos, but at the same time I hate not being in them. Yes I realize I sound like a crazy person.
With my most recent visit to the doctor I found out I've hit my highest weight ever of 341lbs. I'm not one to still and I always look miserable and my weight is starting to take it's toll on my back. I know I'm partially wanting to loose the weight for the wrong and right reasons. Last time I dropped a significant amount of weight and would get some attention from guys it only confirmed that notion that we do care how people look and its only natural, it's the rules of the wild. I began to get that feeling that people didn't really like me for me which opened a whole new other can of worms like why where my friend friends with me because of me or for other reasons. When I started getting diagnosed with all my medical problems a lot of my friends dumped me, so how could I not feel the way I did.
Well I've tried 3 different diet programs and one has only really worked for me. Yes it's a strict plan, but it will get my health back in order something that two very popular plans I tried in the past never actually did. Many people forget that thin doesn't equal healthy and big doesn't equal unhealthy.
So starting 4/21/08 I will once again try the amazing diet I found (It's the 6 Week Body Makeover, I was on my way to be part of a commerical at one point). I'm going to take photos of myself every six weeks and post them on my fridge. It will be some time before I can weight myself at home considering my scale won't weigh above 330. Hopefully this time I can provide myself the necessary will power to succeed. |
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Posted by Embell0830 on 2008-04-14 23:22:51 | Rating: | Views: 60
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