You see, this is how things work. I'm sitting here with a shit-eating grin on my face because I just remembered how synchronicity works and how lightbulb moments happen which create momentum and shit gets done!
I KNOW all this, I've lived it, I've taught it, but had actually forgotten about it because it hasn't happened to me in about six months. No, actually that's not true...it probably happened to me, BUT I've not noticed. Wasn't paying attention!
Okay, this is what happened to me. I read some lists from friends on Thoughts.com (which were great, by the way), you know the one I'm talking about? The 20 Random Things About Me list? Well, I happen to love making lists, so I tried it.
I enjoyed writing my list and am not editing my list as I go. I'm typing and thinking, typing and thinking and come to #17. I already know what I'm going to write, so I begin typing:
"17. I dream of becoming a published author one day and need to work harder to make that dream a reality..."
and I hesitated.
Immediately, the wheels in my brain are turning and I'm asking myself, "You do work hard and you want this book published! What's holding you back?!"
And, I type the TRUTH that is in my heart and complete the sentence -
"without looking at my dwindling bank account and panicking."
There it was. Staring me in my face - I'm afraid.
Okay, I'm afraid. I've admitted it. Yes, I have a small monthly income that takes care of my rent and one utility. I have a nice retirement nest egg, but it's certainly not huge and I do have to watch my every penny. Right now, I have the opportunity to paint and write for a while before having to work again, but how long could that last? I don't have a rich uncle or a sugar daddy :)
I'm feeling once again that I'm at the crossroads of a major decision and I've been here before...but, I need to leave for the supermarket, so I finish up my list, patting myself on the back for, at least, being entirely honest in my list.
I reread my list and was satisfied that my items were good random things about me and I even thought of twenty! Actually, that's a lie because #20 just says that I love lists, but, anyhoo.
I post my list and receive some wonderful, funny comments from lots of lovely folks.
I respond to said comments by said lovely folks.
And, I don't think another thing the list.
End of story, right?
Wrong!
17. I dream of becoming a published author one day and need to work harder to make that dream a reality without looking at my dwindling bank account and panicking.
Well, this #17 is bugging the hell out of me, but I had to pick up my girlfriend K at her hotel. In the car on the way to the hotel, I'm having what began as a monologue that turned into a dialogue with myself! You've done this too, so don't lie!!
And, I'm pissed! It's Ellie the artist/writer speaking:
"You're a such a damn good artist and writer! What's your problem?! You're going to miss this opportunity and regret it ALL YOUR LIFE! So, you sell off more furniture, jewelry, books, more crap to make ends meet! Other artists/writers make it somehow and you will, too!
Now, the other Ellie aka the Victim begins to whine, but she's pissed, too!
"What the hell do you want me to do in this fucking economy? People tell me artwork is NOT selling! Artists are going back to their day job and I don't have a day job to go back to! I've tried the agent route, I've tried the editor route, my novel is sitting here! It's GOOD, but it's not going anywhere! SO?"
"You had a good chance to create an art/writing website with Jen who would have walked you through it, but you didn't want to spend the money! You were afraid!"
"Well, shit! I had bills to pay! Have bills to pay and I need to save for my future! NO man is going to support me like in my marriage!!"
:) See those lightbulb moments? :)
1. Yes, another list, dammit! LOL!
2. You have to spend money to make money.
3. I'm subconsciously waiting for a man to rescue me and support me. Note to Self: must work on that...
4. Jen is still available to help me.
5. There are resources out there for me, books, classes, mentors, etc.
6. It's all up to ME.
7. How bad do I want this?
8. BAD.
9. What do I know about running an art business?
10. NOT A DAMN THING.
11. So, what am I going to do about it?
12. SOMETHING CONCRETE AND HELPFUL!
13. The phone IMMEDIATELY rings...as God is my witness, I'm not shitting you. (Sorry, God :/ I probably shouldn't have God and shit in the same sentence...)
14. So, my friend Sandee, a fellow artist who I met in Brussels called me from southern Virginia where she moved a year ago. We've been missing each other's phone calls for about two months.
15. She's back in town. We talk about how we two, along with seven other international artists, founded the first English-speaking art group in Brussels, Belgium.
16. Great conversation. We catch up and talk art. I tell her about my Moroccan-inspired collage series and she says email me the pics. She's not painting at the moment because the writing has taken center stage for now.
17. I congratulate Sandee on her great new website.
18. I tell her that I need information on how to do just that and I need an easy 1-2-3 book on starting an art business.
19. She gives me titles, workshop locations and dates, and names. I write it all down and remember to get her email address to send her my pics.
20. We hang up, promise to keep in better touch and I hang up. Immediately, I go to amazon.com and order all the books.
It was information that I was lacking. I need to educate myself on the art of running an art business, marketing, surviving, websites, etc. That was my fear - lack of information.
With information and education, I can then go forward without fear.
That's what I'm hoping for, anyway! I already know I work hard, can pay my bills, and it will take blood, sweat and tears. I think I'm ready.
No. I AM READY.
The man is another story :)
Peace and love to you.
E
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