If you don't already know, I think it's important to begin to figure out and know what you want in life in order to lead a more fulfilling, passionate, and genuine life - your life. Some people use the phrase "authentic life" and that works, too.
You are unique, special and there is no one on this Planet like you. No one! Your DNA might be similar to other family members, you might look like your dear Aunt Hazel or cheat at gin rummy like your eccentric Uncle Clyde and you might even be a twin, but you are still ONE OF A KIND.
Okay, got that? Hold that thought...
After reading my rant yesterday morning on men, I realize that you might be surprised to learn that I was a counselor in a former life :) Well, it's true and let me tell you, that rant? Rants always serve a great purpose for me. They allow me to safely vent and let off much needed steam when I have not been allowed nor have the luxury of venting to someone because they are either not present or it isn't possible for whatever reason. I believe I've written two or three rants in my time on Thoughts.com (nearly two years) and my most recent one is a doozy! I just let 'er rip and didn't edit as I went. It felt great afterwards.
That rant was HEALTHY and worked like a charm for me, but this blog isn't about rants, men or anything like that. Whew! I can see some of you are relieved, right? LOL! Have no fear, I don't hate men nor make a habit of male bashing. I kinda like 'em, quite a bit, actually and have many red-blooded male friends who I don't beat up on a regular basis. Please read on :)
This blog, however, did come about because of my rant when I realized that I need to say what I want in a relationship before anything else happens in a potential relationship with a man. Not in the first hour of our first date, mind you! Not even before the dessert on Date #5. But, certainly before we're sleeping together.
Now, I'm talking about me, okay? You can do what you want, but I feel that at 52 years of age, I need to be clear about what I am searching for and not deviate from those needs, wishes and desires when I meet men who 'might' fit the bill and/or one who says to me 'let's just see where this goes'. That hasn't worked for me. I've entered into relationships like that and have emerged frustrated, surprised and confused which doesn't feel good and....can lead to a rant!
I know what I want.
Can you say that? Do you know what you want?
Some clients, my own friends and my children have asked me these questions:
How do you KNOW what you want?
Did you find out what you wanted through trial and error?
Are you born knowing or did you learn that in therapy?
How can I uncover what it is I want and can you teach me?
I don't have a clue what I want!
But, I know what I don't want.
How do you KNOW what you want?
When I was counseling, many times my clients would come in with a certain issue, problem or preoccupation. I had a supervisor and therapist of my own, so I absolutely understood that when you're in the depth of a problem or situation, sometimes you can't see clearly because you don't have enough perspective.
My clients would tell me about their particular problem or issue and I'd ask for some background information, the cast of characters and they'd proceed with who said or did what. Usually, it took two or three sessions for a clear picture to be painted and then, some clients would sit back and look at me. Not sure where to go from there and what to do next.
"What do you want to happen?" I'd ask them.
Early on, most clients would not have a clue what they wanted, but they seemed confortable with what they didn't want. That is a great start. It enables us to move ahead and most of the time, our list of what we want begins to materialize in our minds and manifest in our lives.
Maybe not dealing with the the biggies in the huge LIFE kind of way like:
Who am I?
What the heck am I doing on this planet?
What is the meaning of life?
Not at first, but perhaps taking a look at what you like and don't like is a great place to start. Believe it or not, for some folks that's a huge deal. Might seem silly to you, but for many people, baby steps are necessary. For whatever reason, the person might not be able to answer. Be it a critical parent or spouse, an overbearing sibling, etc. but, a simple question as to what their favorite food is can cause nervousness, anxiousness or you are met with silence.
They may be fearful of making a mistake, picking the wrong answer, or feel that their choices are going to be judged. It happens. My niece had a terrible time as a child making decisions. When I'd ask her what she wanted to do, she would shrug her shoulders and not answer. Making a dinner decision in a restaurant setting caused such anxiety in her that she would often cry which was very hard to watch. I used to feel so bad for her. No matter how we comforted her and allowed her to take her time, it was an ordeal. I never knew why this was happening to her until one summer I had my niece and my nephew for a month and it became clear. Her older brother would ridicule her because she liked peas and would mimic the way she said peas. I immediately put an end to his actions at the dinner table, but my niece was still distraught. Her young self-confidence had been shaken. My nephew constantly picked on his sister which continued until he graduated from high school. They fought like cats and dogs! Thankfully, they outgrew this and my niece became quite a gutsy young lady with a real mouth on her :) She no longer takes crap from her brother or anyone for that matter!
This is why I love the lists that float around Thoughts.com sometimes. They're great. I love these lists because I find out things about people I've 'met' here that I didn't know before or things that amaze me about them because they don't see them as gifts!
Haven't you noticed comments like:
"I'm so boring."
"I don't have a clue what I like."
"I loved reading about you! I should try this!" I've looked back and they don't for whatever reason. Makes me wonder...
Yeah, they might really hate lists and putting themselves out there. Could be and that's their right. They may have started their list and life got in the way. Granted, it happens. But, when you read a new blog from them a day or two later, you wonder why they didn't tackle the list. I do, anyway because I love learning about people and I enjoy knowing what makes a person tick.
A simple list (of course, it doesn't have to be on this site) can be helpful. One through ten to begin with. The answer to the question "what do you want?" might become apparent once you become comfortable with who you are.
As for me, my list of needs and wants becomes more fine-tuned with each relationship. I learn as I go along and the older I get, the more I realize that I have certain things which I might compromise on and other things which are non-negotiable.
I'll tackle the other questions during the week :)
Peace and love.
E
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