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| Tuesday night ... Funk Night
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To steal one of your words, my house smelt
funky tonight when FOTY walked in the door.
He was all happy and cheery, he even made an effort to come and say Hi to me ..... normally he just walks in sits with the kids and calls out Hi - or waits until I come out say
Hello and I then retreat.
But he was all smug, and "gay"
and I couldn't be bothered with it!
Miss 8's room was a mess, so I suggested she clean it, she carried on, and said she wanted her Dad to help her. He says he doesnt know if he should or not!! I tell him it is up to him,
so he goes down and helps.
So kids are up the other end of the house with him,
and I'm in here in my study ....
and I feel bad for making them clean her room on his time.
So go down and suggest that if he was okay with it they could go to bed at 8pm, instead of the usual 7:30pm
that I enforce on a school night.
He ignores me and continues doing what he's doing.
So I say it again, and ask him if he heard me.
He acts like he didn't realise I was standing right next to where he was sitting, and looks at his watch.
He pauses for effect, and says
Oh how about 7:45pm .....
so I give him the chance to spend 30 minutes more
with his children and he shrugs it off
and say he only needs 15 minutes more!
What can I say.
Finally he's out the door at 8pm anyway,
cause Miss 8 is letting him know she's not happy.
She's also letting me know she is not happy
to for several reasons....
one being that we have an agreement
that if she's in bed by 7:30pm
when her Dad is there I will let them
back up for 30 mins or so -
tonight they were not in bed by 7:30pm!
She then as she does goes into her rant
about how she wants to see her Dad more,
and I tell her that is why I suggested
to her Dad that he spend more time with them tonight.
She explains to me that she wants to
see him on more nights and
2 times a week is NOT ENOUGH.
I explain that she would have to
stay at his house some week-ends
if she wants to do that.
She doesn't want to do this.
She wants him to kiss her good night every night.
She wants him to come and eat tea with them.
Why can't I make this happen she asks!
I explain that I tried, I tried very very hard to get her Daddy to change his mind, but he wasn't interested.
She asks me do I still try to get him to come home.
I tell her No, I don't.
She throws back a line that I always tell her .....
"But you tell me to NEVER GIVE UP.
You say don't quit trying."
She's right, I tell her not to quit,
I tell her to try her hardest and then some.
This is related to her dancing,
to her karate,
to her school work....
to apply herself and do her best.
And she's now basically telling me
that I quit on my marriage,
that I stopped trying to make things work....
(oh I know she's young & confused)
I want to tell her that I didn't give up ....
I didn't quit ... that her Daddy made me.....
Instead i tell her it's hard
to want someone to love you and want you ...
when they make it clear they just don't want to.
And he stopped loving and wanting me awhile ago....
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Posted by EasyToSay on 2008-04-29 06:44:35 | Rating: | Views: 204
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Easy...congratulations on handling that well. Just keep talking to her and gently explaining to her that adults make decisions sometimes that, even if they don't mean to hurt their children, do. Adults grow apart, choose different paths and go their own ways looking for happiness. Sometimes children are caught in the middle. That doesn't mean that all the adults don't love her, and don't wish that it had not happenned this way. She will grow up with the understanding that you did everything you could to make this blow softer for her and master 5. You are truely a loving mother, and though you are struggling, you are giving a shining example for everyone on how best to handle this.
Thank you for loving your children more than you despise him. A lot of women go the other route and use the children against the ex. this does so much damage to the children emotionally that sometimes they never recover. God Bless you for your efforts, they will be rewarded. peace :) shemelts
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Posted by shemelts
on 2008-04-29 07:49:33
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My heart goes out to you kiddo. Not an easy thing to deal with. You handled Miss 8 beautifully. I can't tell you enough how fortunate your children are to have you as their Mommy:)Heres a hug for you,you truly are a beautiful person:)
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Posted by pitapie50
on 2008-04-29 08:01:44
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Yikes, Easy. I don't even know what to say (a rarity). I'm so sorry you have to bear the pain of your children as well as your own. Divorce just sucks. For everyone.
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Posted by BlueMoonInMyEye
on 2008-04-29 10:30:43
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That sucks, Easy. Not sure what else to say. Miss 8 will understand someday but, for now, it seems to me like you are answering her questions pretty darn well.
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Posted by Meredith
on 2008-04-29 11:00:52
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Wow, you handled that really well. I think she will understand at some point. That had to be pretty hard on you. You are a really good mom!
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Posted by prelude2it
on 2008-04-29 13:08:55
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These things are difficult and hurtful for an adult to grasp let alone a child. My niece (who is now grown with children of her own) had to deal with many hard things at a young age. She told me once that it was the idea behind the Serenity Prayer that got her through. The whole knowing what you can't change .... changing what you can and the wisdom to know the difference.
I totally agree that we should "never give up" and we should "never stop trying". Sometimes, though, we have to change course and changing course is not giving up ... it's letting go of something that isn't working and redirecting our hard work and energy into something that will. Many children are never taught this concept. They end up choosing a major in college and then find out it's not the right choice for them, but are to fearful to change because they don't want it to appear that they gave up on something. Many women stay in abusive relationships because giving up on a relationship is viewed, in their eyes, as failure. An example for someone your daughters age would be if she wanted to play on a certain sport team ... but the coach made it very clear there were no spots and it was never going to happen. If your daughter wasted months and months continuing to try and get on this team that wouldn't be a good thing ... but if she started looking at other teams then that would be something positive ... and she would not have given up ... just looked in another direction to fulfill her dream and bring about what she wants.
Another hard lesson is we can't control other people and make them do what we want. If they choose to reject us or not want to be in our lives there's not a single thing we can do about it. Their feelings are not a reflection on us, but on them.
I know you realize that your daughter needs someone to blame and it's only natural, since you are the major caregiver, that she will lash out at you. As hard and painful as that is, for you ... maybe it's better that she is placing the blame outside herself and not taking it upon her little spirit.
I'm not sure what all this rambling is to say. I do think you are handling this brilliantly, Easy To Say. I'm sure there's a part of you that feels FOTY's behavior will result in your children never leading normal happy lives. But I think (and I have seen this in my niece) your children by learning these difficult lessons early will be equipped to handle whatever life throws their way. They are going to be amazing people who will make their mark on this world. You and your little ones remain in my thoughts and prayers. Peace.
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Posted by ColoradoDreamin
on 2008-04-29 15:14:26
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Well done!!
That was better than any book could have told you to say it
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Posted by whiteknight
on 2008-04-29 16:44:21
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I'm so sorry you have to do this alone easytosay. I wish I had some magical wisdom to impart, but I really dont know what to say.... I'm sorry
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Posted by tonyrayhutchison
on 2008-04-29 18:36:30
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I don't have any children of my own, but it angers me to see guys act this way. I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. Be strong and hopefully better days shine soon for you.
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Posted by spiritualcoma
on 2008-04-29 19:03:13
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You did handle that very well with your daughter, it is so hard to explain to kids the truth without crossing a line,
You are obviously a wonderful mother who has a lot to cope with, i wish you all the luck in the world in the future honey xxxx
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Posted by missmarie
on 2008-04-29 19:57:52
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Your strength constantly amazes me.
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Posted by BootLady
on 2008-04-30 06:34:02
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CoDreamin, brilliant! Easy, you handle yourself with so much love, grace and compassion with your kids and you also show FOTY grace and consideration. You will be rewarded for your fantastic behavior during this painful divorce. My friend, you have CLASS galore. Hang in there. XXX
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Posted by Ellie2008
on 2008-04-30 18:29:34
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Easy,
You are handling this the right way..Never say a bad thing about Daddy left for another woman..It is just Daddy doesn't love mommy. That is a hard thing for kids to understand but they will see that you have been civil with FOTY and respectful to the children where he is concerned..
Never doubt that your heart is right with all of this and the kids will learn great things from you and how to handle life....
Take care sweetie and know that you are doing the right things...
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Posted by Hollis
on 2008-04-30 22:16:56
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Im just amazed at you. You're the best mom that Miss 8 could ever have. You're a beautiful human and I'm so sorry you have to go through this. You're doing a wonderful job with her, your strength really amazes me. Really. Wow.
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Posted by angelwings
on 2008-05-02 04:04:46
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