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SCRIBBLES Writing Challenge No. 2 -> Join in here
I knew what I had done as soon as the door closed. He’d watched over me for three days, he’d restrained me. He’d restrained himself. He’d kept me alive, or wasn’t I considered alive anymore? Now he was turning me loose. We’d meet again, I was sure. But until I’d proven I could survive and do so undetected, I was a risk to them all.
Walking down the front steps a surge of confidence struck me. My senses were sharp, so sharp the sound of a car two blocks away screeching to a stop startled me. I could smell something sweet, a new smell I’d never known before. No one was around; this wasn’t the sort of neighbour that got a lot of foot traffic. The scent grew stronger as I approached the corner. Such a sweet smell, suddenly my stomach lurched and my throat was overcome with a burning sensation. I felt my eyes narrow but at the same time sharpen. I wanted to hunt, I had to eat.
“Resist, you must resist,” the voice came into my head. It was his voice warning me.
Two days ago I was begging for death, racked with pain and in agony. I was broken, shattered, nothing mattered. I rocked back and forth on the hard stone floor, hugging my knees to my chest. I prayed for death to take me. I pleaded for him to finish me off. My own screams were unrecognisable to my ears. I gasped, moaned and sobbed. I was weak and pathetic. So helpless and unworthy better off dead, he stayed and he protected me, from myself.
I was broken down only to be re-built stronger. I heard their warnings without listening. Nothing could have prepared me for the sheer hell I’d lived through. This was the pain he’d tried to save me from. Now I understood the reluctance in his eyes, the regret in his voice when I insisted. Forever together was the only thing on my mind and in my heart. Forever was all I had now.
Kids played on the sidewalk, their parents ignorant to the danger I had become to them. I looked at them, smelt their youth. I was hungry, for the first time in 3 days, I needed to eat. Famished I needed to eat right now. I stepped off the curb towards where they played blissfully unaware their lives were about to end.
“This way,” he growled, appearing from nowhere. “Innocent children are never on the menu. If you want forever you have to start listening to instruction.”
“I do want forever,” I hissed into his ear as he led me towards the darker, seedier side of town.
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Posted by EasyToSay on 2008-08-28 05:58:07 | Rating: | Views: 261
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SHIVVVVEEEERRRRS.....
I liked it....Opens the mind for a lot of interpretation....
More please...This has the makings of SEQUEL.... I will look for the next one....
E
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Posted by Evetspordlaw
on 2008-08-28 09:47:33
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As always, Easy, your writing ... top notch, with excellent expression of thought and sentence flow. I found the piece very unsettling and scary. Certainly not a good bedtime choice for little ones or anyone with a childlike spirit. After reading even myself, a grown woman, felt the need to hold on tight to her teddy bear and favorite blanket:) The physical hunger of your character, transferred to the reader as an emotional hunger to know more about this character and her circumstances. A+. Peace.
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Posted by ColoradoDreamin
on 2008-08-28 11:38:44
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Whoa! You went for a walk on the wild side with this! Good suspenseful story, where are you going with this? Is there a part II?
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Posted by circe
on 2008-08-28 12:17:47
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I want more!! You left me hanging there! Great story, you really created a lot of suspense and you did such a great job describing the scene. I could picture it very vividly in my head.
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Posted by country_girl
on 2008-08-28 12:47:17
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Man this scared me! I love the way he stepped in when she went for the children. I wish it didn't end so abruptly because it makes me want more! Well done easy. My one advice? I would have loved to hear more about their romance. Although that probably wasnt where you were going with this story. Overall a great read.
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Posted by smileforthecamera
on 2008-08-28 14:35:17
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I liked the suspense through out it, made me wonder if it was a vampire or something.
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Posted by prelude2it
on 2008-08-28 15:55:55
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P- yes she was transformed into a Vampire. She did it because the man er hum person she loved is a Vampire. Thanks I'm glad you thought that. :)
Smile - Oh the romance was in my head, but I wanted to get the darker side out.
CG - Really?? Hmm okay, maybe I should work on it and develop it, but I can't guarantee there wont be romance included. Took all my concentration to get away from that .. for once. LOL.
Circ - Thank you, wasn't planning on a part 2 .. I think with all the amazing work I've been reading of BadlyDrawnStickMan, I just wanted to capture something similar.
CD - thank you for your comment, they always mean so much coming from my first friend on thoughts. I'm glad you could feel it.
Evetspordlaw - thank you, I appreciate your comments, I've started reading yours and It really is nice to get such nice feedback from you.
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Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-08-28 16:21:59
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Ok J - I think you meant this as a compliment ... but I'm not sure what it has to do with my post!! Maybe an email would have been a bit more appropriate?
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Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-08-28 17:40:06
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Powerful story full of imagery and emotion.
I liked the way 'he' protects her from herself. Somehow I feel he has a hidden agenda.
Time for a sequel!
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Posted by tantrictouch
on 2008-08-28 18:58:48
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Ohhh Easy, what is going on in that mind of yours. We get hot and steamy from you and then this. Wow.
I would love to have the talent to be able to switch from one to the other.
Well done
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Posted by KP
on 2008-08-28 19:14:23
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Tantric - Thank you for your comment, I'm feeling a sequel... but I don't know if I could do it without going a bit romantic!! Might ruin the mood?
KP - My mind is well full of lots of things, I wanted to go left of centre to what I usually let out. I actually enjoyed it. I was going to go darker, maybe I'll try next time. Thank you, I really appreciate your words.
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Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-08-28 22:21:51
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My goodness you can write a good story. I liked that. I don't see how you do it. See you can write a story and if you don't have the right words or detail it is boring, but you do have all of the above so keep on keeping on.
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Posted by michelle8angels
on 2008-08-29 00:01:22
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Scary!
You've written it so well.I had my eyes glued to the screen the whole time. :D
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Posted by HardThinker
on 2008-08-29 03:19:59
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Feeling the vampirish tale!
Great job. Are you thinking of adding on to this???
I loved reading it even though a chilling and scary topic.
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Posted by anotherdaze
on 2008-08-29 04:15:14
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Michelle - thank you. I enjoyed going a little out there.
HardThinker- great, that was what i wanted.
Angie - Hmm I'll see if I can work on it ... thank you
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Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-08-29 05:17:13
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Easy - this is the third time I have tried to comment but each time it refused to accept the (correct) number. Anyway, third time lucky! You have to take this a step further as you have probably left each reader with a difference thought and it would be good to read your own conclusion. Skillfully and well crafted.
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Posted by overthehillandfar...
on 2008-08-29 09:50:19
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Great as always...I enjoy your posts both fictional and real. Great writing...can't wait to read more!
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Posted by slowtolearn
on 2008-08-29 10:25:45
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Excellent read hun. It drew me in from the get-go and kept me interested. You definately have the foundation for an interesting story here and the only thing I could find wrong is it left me hanging and wanting more! lol Well done.
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Posted by spiritualcoma
on 2008-08-29 13:15:20
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So cool! I was locked in suspense the whole way through. I too, demand a second part! :) Neat challenge too, btw.
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Posted by KateTheShrewd
on 2008-08-29 15:18:32
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Im more curious about the challenge than I am the story here:P I kinda have a clue after reading it where it could/would go. I thought maybe a werewolf? Then, when I hear "forever" I know it's a vampire. It could have been mentioned in another paragraph or two. I don't think it requires a part two just yet cuz an addition could/would still be part one:P
The one curious thing that leaves me wondering is the extent of her being "broken" and being an experiment of sorts. Wanting death? But wanting to live forever?
Not too scary...but I did worry for the children and feared a scene like Anakin in the third Star Wars prequel when you knew he slaughtered all those kids:(:P
A decent start:)
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Posted by brainstormer
on 2008-08-29 23:08:39
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WOW!!! very different from your other stories...and I LOVED IT!!! Please start working on part 2. That was awesome!
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Posted by anonimo1922
on 2008-08-30 04:40:18
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A beautifully constructed piece, descriptive, inventive...and entertaining. Excellent writing. :)
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Posted by DaizeeBlue
on 2008-09-03 08:56:12
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see that is not right..... i want more!!!! that was briliant!! Ok now go write a book... and then another.... I want a series!! you are a wounderful write with a vast aray of talents to draw from.!! Top notch
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Posted by DouglasMB
on 2008-09-06 11:42:51
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