After driving home for 2 hours in silence we both collapse into bed. The next morning we wake for work as usual, with foty taking Master 3 to my parents on his way to work. I take Miss 8 to school and go to work myself.
Foty is home late from work that night.
Being a Friday night we usually have Fish and Chips, so that I get a night off cooking. But tonight he calls me around 6:30pm when he's usually home, and suggests I go get the kids tea and he'd bring home Pizza for us.
So I oblige. He says he needs to have a drink or two with some of his work mates. At 7:30pm I put the kids to bed, I recall them asking where their Dad was and saying they weren't going to sleep until he gets home. Fortunate for me, they are exhausted from the heat of the day before and they are asleep quickly.
8pm comes and finally foty replies to my text. He rings and says he's just about to leave and did I still want Pizza. I tell him I'm not so hungry now, but bring home Pizza all the same.
He arrives home after 8:30pm. We eat PIzza and watch a DVD. He is not very talkative.
I ask him if there is something wrong, and he tells me he's upset over the funeral, and asks me to drop it.
After sitting there in silence, I kiss him good night and go to bed. He stayed up until quite late, and I recall laying in bed hearing his phone messaging beeping every couple of minutes.
Saturday morning he wakes me amorously. I oblige, loved being woken that way. It is a really nice way start to the day. But then he spends the rest of the day outside, doing the gardening. Now our garden is in great condition, because when we moved in, November 30th the previous year. The owner had spent a couple of thousand dollars cleaning it up and landscaping it. But all the same foty spends almost the entire day outside. After the children go to bed that night, he is rigid and cold towards me, for no apparent reason. I ask him if he's upset with me?
He blurts out YES he is.
He is upset with my insensitivity of asking him whether he was having an affair at his grandmothers funeral. I am stunned by this comment.
I feel the blood drain from my face and apologise. I didn't bother being picky about what I actually asked, and I apologise several times saying how sorry I was, and yes I probably should have waited until we came home to ask about, but that he'd been persistent.
He is normally not so stubborn about things, normally he gets angry and forgets it. But he's held onto this for two days, and he's been avoiding me, so I realise I've upset him.
He tell me he doesn't want to talk about it any further but cannot get over my insensitivity. He tells me he "gets" how I could think that, but he can't believe I would raise it then and there.
I again apologise and go to bed after he tells me there is nothing I can say that would be acceptable at that point in time.
The next morning, Sunday, he sleeps in late. I'm already up and looking after the kids when he finally drags himself out of bed. He then proceeds to read the paper while eating breakfast. I ask him how he is, and he shrugs me off.
The whole day was like this, until finally again the kids go to bed and it's just the two of us. I'm feeling sick by this stage, because he's never been one to hold a grudge. I'm feeling aweful about the funeral, and I'm feeling terrible about thinking he could possibly be having an affair.
Again we sit silently infront of the TV. My questions are met with kurt short replies, and he refuses to look at me.
I feel like the worst person in the world. I ask him whether he is going to be able to forgive me - and he says he doesn't know.
That is not the answer I was hoping for. He sits and ignores me not wanting any further conversation. Finally I say goodnight and go to bed alone again.
I lay in bed, crying and feeling bad for what I'd done.
I was waiting for him to come to bed, so I could talk to him.
It couldn't be this bad, surely.
It was nearly 11pm and he was still out watching TV, I can't sleep so I get up and ask him to speak to me.
He says he's too angry. I ask him what does that mean? I ask doesn't he want to work it out with me? Or does he want time away from me? - he responds .. Is that what you want?. I quickly reply NO.
But I beg him to talk to me, because I cannot go on like this.
He starts with "I no longer LONG to come home. I do not look foward to being here."
His comment knocks me for six, and I sit down and again feel the blood drain from my face, and my breath stiffled in my chest.
"What do you mean?" I ask with my voice trembling.
He tells me that family life has become mundane, and he sits at work and doesn't want to come home.
He loves me and the kids, but he just doesn't feel any desire to race home to see us.
He goes on to say he does love us, but just can't explain his feelings.
He says he doesn't know if he is IN love with me anymore.
I ask him whether CS has anything to do with this.
He calmly tells me she is just a good friend.
I ask him if she knows he is feeling like this, and he says "YES SHE DOES."
This shocks the hell out of me. I ask him how long has he felt this way, and he says a couple of weeks, he thinks.
I ask him why he didn't talk to me about this, and why he was talking to a stranger from his work.
He tells me she isn't a stranger, and that she'd confided her problems in him, and he was doing the same to her. I argue that, that would mean they are more than just friends. He says no, you can confide in someone even if you are acquintances and not be good friends.
This upsets me, because he has up unti now, told me all his deepest darkest fears, problems etc, from fearing he had prostate cancer (which turned out to be a hernia, to looking into a nasal delivery technique to maintain an erection (he paid the deposit of a $3000 total - I made him cancel it assuring him I was happy).
Now he was telling me he didn't long to be here, and he was telling a lady at his work all about it!!!
A Single lady at that.
He said he'd felt that way for awhile - I asked him why what had I done? Had he met someone. He denied he'd met someone and told me I'd done nothing wrong. That he still considered me his best friend.
I ask him does he still want to be married? A question which I thought he'd scoff at, but he answers without looking at me, and says I don't know.
I become so upset that I cannot speak. He tells me that he doesn't want to hurt me, but he thinks he needs to go. Go where? I ask? And NO, I didn't want him to go, I want him to stay and sort it out with me. I am his wife of almost 10 years, and we've been together for 20 all up.
He tells me that is why he thinks he needs to go away, he thinks that being together that long means we've "expired" as a couple, and again he says although he loves me, and I AM his bestfriend, that he just isn't IN LOVE with me anymore.
I ask him how he could say that when he had sex with me the morning before. He says he still finds me very attractive and he thinks that will never change. I am stunned. I am crying and I am a mess. I cry out at him, and he tells me I'll wake the children. I go to our room and start ripping down our wedding photo's.
He tells me to calm down. I ask him how I can calm down when my HUSBAND is telling me he is leaving me.
He says he just needs some time to think things over, and his Grandmothers passing has made him very confused about what he wants.
I am hysterical and am having trouble breathing. He starts packing some clothes and says "I guess you want me to go?"
Again I tell him NO, I don't want him to go, I want him to stay and talk to me about it.
I am numb all over and am feeling absolute devastation.
He methodically packs himself some clothes and leaves.
He asks me to tell the kids that he's had to go away for work.
I am left feeling like I've been hit by a truck. I cry myself to sleep and wake with my alarm the next day.
I am hoping it is a nightmare, but he is not in the bed beside me.
I am alone.
I am alone.
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