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| Sometimes I wonder if I started it
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Thought I'd delve right back into the early early days with foty, with something that I always remember. It is almost the first hiccup in our long relationship.
But in hindsight I regard it as the beginning of the end, and feel it was my fault.
When we first started dating we were 17 years old. He was actually 16 - he's 10 months younger than me. We met each other at Basketball, we both referreed games, and I was his supervisor on the Thursday night shift. I'd noticed him before, so when he came onto my "shift" and I had total control over which court he reff'd on and with whom, I took advantage and often put him with me.
Anyway I found out he had a girlfriend, so I didn't let him know my feelings. Even back then I believed people who have partners are OFF LIMITS to others. But then he started calling me, with the pretense he was asking my advice about reffing. I didn't see any harm in our telephone calls, infact I enjoyed them. Even more so when he told me he wasn't happy with his girlfriend, who had cheated on him that summer (Jan - Feb).
Although still with her, he started inviting me places. One night he even went to so far as to invite me to go to a movie with him. I refused unless there was a third person invited. I said it would not look good if the two of us went alone. So he invited his friend, Seb along, his girlfriend wasn't allowed to go into the city, so she didn't come.
Anyway we had a great night the three of us, and we went out a few more times. Infact Foty set me up with his friend so that we could all go out together, and to divert the attention off him and I. People were starting to notice our close friendship. We laughed easily together and really got along well. In fact one night we talked on the telephone for FOUR hours!!!
It was good, I dated his friend, we double dated! The thing was that I really started liking Seb, his friend. He was the nicest guy and although he didn't give me the same excited feelings I got when I was around foty, he was great to hang out with.
Foty noticed my relationship building with his friend, so he "dumped" his girlfriend of two years. He then started invited just me out. I of course was over the moon, and followed suit - calling it off with Seb. Who incidentally was devastated to the point where he'd leave his school early, ride his bike over to my school then follow me home at a safe distance. I never saw him do this, but knew because he told me. Seb couldn't believe I could call it off and look so happy with my friends, when he was devastated. Then when I got together with foty, Seb understandably wouldn't speak to either of us. Years later we were able to talk, but never like we had when we were younger. My sister actually corresponds with him sometimes online, he mentioned to her once about how it would be if he and I married. He is happily married with two children.
Anyway foty and I were inseparable. We were on the phone every night, we did things every Friday, Saturday and Sunday together. We were in "puppy" love. He would write me love notes and post them or give them to me, and I would write replies back. ...... I STILL have most of these notes. 
He would do anything for me, and bought me lots of little gifts and cute toys and there was nothing too much for me. I would just have to ask and he'd get it for me. We were in love, well as much as you can be at 16 & 17.
He was a virgin when we met, and I was his first. Our relationship was just perfect. We were how I thought all relationships should be, so loving, caring and kind to each other. 15th May 1987 was when we officially got together!!! We would celebrate every month like it was an annual milestone.
Seven months into our relationship he went overseas with his family for 6 weeks. The night before he left we slept together for the first time. It wasn't something I was ready for with him, but it was so important to him so I complied.
He called me from the airport and we both cried at the pending separation.
He flew to London, and apparently cried all the way about missing me.
He sent me weekly letters of about 5 pages long, telling me he hated Europe and how he wanted to be back here with me. I had his forwarding addresses, so I replied where I could and reassured him I was "waiting" for him and he should enjoy the trip. His letters still came, but they made me feel uncomfortable due to their sometimes explicit content.
It was the party season back here, and I went to lots of parties, and basketball tournaments while he was away. I missed him like crazy, remember we were inseparable and I was faithful to him totally. But there was one particular guy who was a friend of both of ours who had always been smitten with me, and he flirted non-stop. About two weeks before foty was due to return, I got very drunk and very emotional (missing foty) at a party. This friend, Nick sat and talked to me about it. He told me I was too young to be hanging my hat on one guy. I should be living it up and enjoying the attention that I'd been receiving. Alot of what he said made sense to me, especially in my drunken, emotional state. He'd always been one of the "gang" so I felt totally comfortable with him, and he'd always made me feel special when around him.
Anyway to cut a long story short, we kissed that night. Nothing more, just a kiss, and although I enjoyed it, I was sick with guilt the next day and following weeks.
Foty returned from overseas and it just wasn't the same. I just am not a person who can lie, and hide stuff. So although Nick assured me it was between him and I, I had to confess to foty. He'd been back a week before I did this.
He went banana's punching fences and ripping fence palings off. He swore, he stormed off and didn't return for an hour or so. But once he'd had his moment, he assured me that he still wanted to be my boyfriend, and he wouldn't hold any grudges. I was relieved.
However the truth couldn't be further from that. First chance foty got to cheat on me he did. This was at a school get together for his school, he said partners were not invited. They were.
There was this girl - I still remember her name and face ... Lisa! Anyway Lisa had been flirting with him all year. He "apparently" kissed her and went home with her. When one of our mutual friends asked him what he was doing, he replied
"Well she did it to me, so only fair I return the favour."
I found out eventually and I was upset of course. But I felt like he was justified, and now hopefully my indiscretion could be forgotten. He stopped raising the topic, which he often did as we saw Nick alot.
We seemed to get close again after that. But any opportunity he got he'd flirt and play up to girls at the many parties we'd go to. Sometimes right in front of me. If I asked him about it, he'd say that I did it, so why couldn't he?
After we'd gone out for a total of about 3 years, he broke up with me.
His excuse was that he didn't want to be "full-on" and he wanted to be "casual" with me, and he wanted to "hang out" with the guys. Which meant he wanted to have sex with me when it suited him, and if the guys were going out they were his first choice, not me.... Oh and he always called it a guys night out, No girls. Then I'd always find out that one or two of the girlfriends had gone, and there was no mention of NO GIRLS.
That break up began the off again ON again relationship. I still feel like it was my fault. Our young puppy love relationship seemed so perfect, until I cheated on him. That is also when he started the "tit for tat" behaviour between us, that lasted 20 years ....
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Posted by EasyToSay on 2008-06-06 09:30:16 | Rating: | Views: 270
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im sorry about that
your writing is very good though
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Posted by annewheeler
on 2008-06-06 09:37:07
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Wow, that was a very interesting read.
It's funny how the most blissful seeming relationships can go sour from one incident. I don't blame you for telling foty about kissing Nick, I can't hide the truth either.
I actually think it was immature of him to get with this Lisa girl because you kissed Nick, though, I mean.. It doesn't solve anything in the end, it just makes things worse. It's even worse that he did that after claiming he didn't hold grudges or anything, what a prick. :/ Maybe someone else's opinion changed his mindset towards the issue?
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Posted by Mezlie
on 2008-06-06 09:45:32
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anne - thank you for your compliment.
Mezlie - yes you are so right. I think he was easily swayed...hindsight is a wonderful thing
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Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-06-06 09:47:15
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Glad you wrote this ETS. It helps see where people come from or what they come through.
It does seem a little too easy to sum up a huge part of a relationship in just a page or two doesn't it?
Anyway I don't think this was your fault for the rest of the realationship. He chose to marry you. That wasn't highschool dating.
BTW, How did you and TonyRay get a pic together ;)
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Posted by anotherdaze
on 2008-06-06 09:59:21
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Angie .. I still feel guilty for doing that to him way back when he was just a youngin!
HAHA .. I know the logistics were a nightmare!!!:) LOL
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Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-06-06 10:07:24
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Yeah, hindsight is pretty good. :P
But yeah, I don't really see why else he'd change his mind so suddenly, unless he's prone to dramatic mood swings or something like that.. It may well have been a mere word of "Pfft, get her back! Go hook up with some chick and see how SHE likes it!!" from a mate or something. I dunno, men are funny like that I guess. :P
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Posted by Mezlie
on 2008-06-06 10:10:48
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Are you kidding me? Do you honestly believe that you kissing another guy when you were 17 is responsible for the outcome of your relationship?? NO FRIGGIN WAY. You made an honest mistake and even confessed to Foty about it. You felt horrible about it and what did he do?? He made it into an open justification for him to do whatever the hell he wanted to do. He's a lump of coal. You, my friend, are a gem.
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Posted by Meredith
on 2008-06-06 11:43:55
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hey K thanks for givin us this glimpse of you. and what are you doing putting that picture of us up?! people are gonna wonder babe;)!! Hey you be easy ,and I'll see you around these halls.
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Posted by tonyrayhutchison
on 2008-06-06 11:48:36
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Mer - I know, I hear you, but it's the sliding doors thing, I wonder what would've happened if I didn't.... you know....
Tony - sorry, I had to share the photo of us!!! LOL .... still got the costume?? :)
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Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-06-06 11:57:04
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There is no blame here for you to take.
You were young and drunk, stuff happens.
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Posted by whiteknight
on 2008-06-06 12:55:43
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Wow. That is a lot to go through. I am glad as all hell my first "love" didn't last-*shivers*-I'd be miserable.
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Posted by ladiegodiva
on 2008-06-06 14:14:48
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sounds like it all went a bit crap from one meaningless kiss which is a bit rubbish. do you still chat with this guy, cos if this "tit for tat" relationship is still going on twenty years later then it's not really worth it to be honest.
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Posted by jamrulz123
on 2008-06-06 21:14:05
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Sorry I couldn't read the whole LOOOONG post:P But, I liked the beginning with how you were subtle and discreet with feelings and respect in the matter(namely the not wanting to break up a couple...let them break themselves up bit). I only feel bad for Seb and...I cant call him that anacronym:P...his girlfriend at the time for getting cut loose so abruptly that their heads spun around in spiteful wonder. It's interesting how that worked out bringing you two together like some people put salt on watermelon to bring out the flavor. But, it still looks a bit bad from the "sideline" perspective.
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Posted by brainstormer
on 2008-06-06 22:37:30
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I like the way you wrote this. To the point but still pleasant. The topic on the other hand is not a very pleasant thing for anyone to go through. Unfortunately puppy love doesnt last, it would be nice though.
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Posted by smileforthecamera
on 2008-06-06 23:05:12
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That was really well written. Thank you for sharing. I think it's awesome that you can look back and see where things may have started. Some people can never self reflect. I'm not sure if that could really be a catalyst to his behavior but who knows. Hope you are doing well.
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Posted by prelude2it
on 2008-06-07 00:53:35
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E2S FUCK THAT!!! It's not your fault.....you were teenagers, teenagers do that shit. Just because he can't put his big boy pants on doesn't mean you have to take the blame....okay give me names and addresses I'm on my way
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Posted by Mamacita925
on 2008-06-07 08:29:19
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E2S -- This post was so well written. Your posts always read like a bestseller. In hindsight I'm sure you are able to see the dysfunctional patterns in this man's life. FOTY's reaction to your kiss, with Nick, was very similar to his reaction to your question (at his grandmother's funeral) regarding his fidelity. Reading your story, over the months, I have sometimes wondered how this man sleeps at night with all the pain, hurt and destruction he has caused. I think I finally see how he pulls it off. FOTY is a "blame-shifter" ... nothing is his fault ... everything that happens is the fault of others. In his mind he sees himself as a helpless innocent bystander caught in the cross fire, refusing and never taking any kind of responsibility for his actions.
This man is a cheater. The way he is (his lack of character) is not the result of any action on your part. My dear friend that this man is now another woman's problem is a blessing from the universe. A leopard doesn't change his stripes. Peace.
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Posted by ColoradoDreamin
on 2008-06-07 13:05:55
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CD is right a leopard does not change his spots, he may be able to hide them for a while BUT they are always going to be there!
DO NOT put the blame on yourself for what happened all those years ago.
He must have done a number on you for you to go back all those years and take the blame.
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Posted by trevorjohn
on 2008-06-07 17:13:02
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Damn, FOTY sure knows how to hold a grudge.
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Posted by sean_barr
on 2008-06-07 23:27:38
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