Tonight at bedtime Miss 8 came out of her room, upset and crying.
At first all she could say was "I'm sad, I'm upset. I don't know why but I am."
I gave her a cuddle, and asked her why she was upset.
Eventually she said that she was sad because :-
She felt like she had to see *JS
She felt like she had to see her because otherwise her Dad would get angry or sad with her, and she didn't want to make him sad.
*FOTY has just moved in with JS and Miss 8 now believes that she will have to see JS everytime she goes with her Dad (which is only on Saturdays 10am - 5pm & here Tuesdays 6:30pm - 8pm).
Last weekend you may recall Miss 8 declined her Dad's suggestion of JS coming on their Saturday venture. Miss 8 made it clear (nicely and with utmost respect) to her Dad that she wanted to spend the day with him and her brother, Master 4. And if she didn't have him on speaker phone, I may have thought she'd imagined a little bit of it - but FOTY sounded angry when Miss 8 told him this. Infact he pretty much ended the phone conversation after she said that. It was Miss 8 who showed maturity and said "Bye Dad, I love you."
He almost sounded embarrassed when he responded with an "I love you too"
And surprise surprise he brought JS anyway on their Saturday venture - ignoring Miss 8's request.
He even said something like "See I told you it'd be okay for JS to come didn't I!"
He was so smug about it - excuse me but ... F*cking Bastard!
Each conversation on the phone since then has included Miss 8 testing the waters, asking if JS was there, and would she see JS next time etc etc.
FOTY praised her each time she talked about JS - "You make me sooo happy" he'd gush.
"Oh we'll have to see if JS wants to come with us sweetie." he'd say all syrupy & sweet and like you'd praise a 4 year old, not an 8 year old!
Miss 8 could hear his voice pick up whenever she asked about JS. So she'd keep doing it.
When I heard her doing this, I was of course a little bit sad, but I was glad she was "sounding" happy about it all. I'm moving on, I don't need FOTY's love anymore, but she does.
But tonight it all came to a head. Miss 8 was upset, she felt like she had no choice. She lashed out and told me that I had wanted her to spend time with JS too.... and that I told her to do it too!
I explained to her that I was happy if she was happy. I told her I thought it was a good idea if she met JS - but not necessarily to continue seeing her if she didnt want to.
"I just want to see Dad." she replied, crying a little more.
I asked her why she brought it up with her Dad if she didn't really want to see JS, to which she replied that her Dad loves JS more than he loved her and her brother, so if she was nice to JS he might love her and Master 4 more again.
I of course told her that he did love her and her brother more than he loved JS - to which she snappily replied "NO he DOESN'T". Normally I'd be upset with her reaction, but I understand why she thinks this, and sometimes I actually do wonder if he's lost the plot.
I suggested Miss 8 speak to him herself, but she basically said he gets angry at her if she does. She asked me to speak to him and tell him that while she's happy to meet JS, she'd really prefer to do thing with him, "no Offense" she added. . . ..
I text him and ask him to call me. (he's cleaning his old apartment tonight).
So now I sit and fume and wait for him to call. I'm taking deep breaths because I know for him to take me seriously I need to be calm and composed.
JS = her Dad's mistress/turned girlfriend/turned fiancee
FOTY = Father of The Year - sarcastic name I've nicknamed my ex .... after reading the above I'm sure you will agree.
Posted by EasyToSay on 2008-04-09 07:49:01 | Rating: n/a | Views: 120
I just don't know what to say. I'm stymied, hes losing so much of the children..Miss 8 is very in tune with Foty's responses. I'm sure he thinks he can force a relationship between Miss feta cheese and the kids...Poor Miss 8 trying to keep everybody happy...I feel for you kiddo...Foty has no clue what you and the children are dealing with..I don't like leaving negative comments..But can I kick Foty in the nuts? I'm sorry...he just makes me so mad.
Ahh sweetie! Please let me give you some advice. Miss 8 is struggling with her loyalty to YOU! She knows that this engagement hurts you and that her father(for better or worse) has abandoned all of you for this woman. Please keep in mind that FOTY had promises to you, JS did not. He made the choice to leave you, JS did not. Whatever JS role was in your divorce, he made the choices. Though it may be true that she played a role, he made the choices.
In the best interest of both of your children...try really hard(and this will have to be forced on your part) not to stand in the way of them forming a relationship with JS. She will be caring for them while they are with their father. She is a part of his life now. Your children love you more than anything, and at this time they are put in the most precarious position of having to choose their loyalty to you, over their loyalty to their father. It is totally unfair to them to be put in this position(even if he is the one who put them there). Because you love them first and foremost and you don't wish to hurt them emotionally, you need to encourage them to enjoy their time with their father, even if JS is involved. Try not to get in the middle of who and when and what they do with him. Try hard not to say things to them that make it look like they have a choice about the time they spend with JS, because soon they won't have. This must be sooooo hard for you, and I feel your pain, but I also sense your absolute love for these children. I am sorry you are in this position, but it is what it is and it is so important to think carefully about how you handle this situation. Having been a witness to this situation many times over, I can assure you that your children will most benefit from a mutual respect situation between you and their father and JS. Though you will have to force it, it is important to their mental health that you do it for them. Remember, in the future you will fall in love and remarry. Do you want FOTY to put seeds of resentment in your childrens heads about someone you choose to love. I am not siding with FOTY in this, I am siding with the children. Peace! shemelts
i feel really sorry for Miss 8...i can understand what she must be feeling. I havent been in that spot ever, but i can imagine. She is quite mature though. Im sure you're proud to have such a daughter :) I think FOTY needs to grow up and learn from his daughter...
Sometimes and most often, it's unconscious to think that our choices of mates (yucky word, I know) are a reflection of us. My ex has forced his new wife on my kids in the past and not spoken with them when they weren't ready. They are all in their 20's, but nevertheless, they hurt like kids. Sounds like FOTY and my ex went to the same charm school...after our divorce, things were still iffy, so I suggested he visit them alone in the US, on their territory before inviting them to his new house with the new wife. I hope he takes me up on that. The healing must begin "at home" before new people are introduced. You know that, I know that, but do they? Jury is still out on that one...good luck, Easy.
my daughter said the exact same thing (different names lol) when her dad got a new girlfriend...try I as I did to convince her otherwise...his girlfriend gave him an ultimatum of her or my daughter...he chose the girlfriend....kids sense these things. If that's how he truly is, she's better off without him, she sounds so smart I'm sure she realizes that.
