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| Mixed Emotions on the day
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Today is not an anniversary I will be putting in my 2009 diary.
Today is a time to remember, forget and move on.
The 20th April was a Friday in 2007.
Today 20th April is a Sunday. But that change in day of the week does not change the fact that he walked out on us this time last year.
Too many people asked me how I was today on the "anniversary" for me to pretend it was just another day.
Too many people expected me to be sad or emotional for it to be any Sunday in April.
So I let myself think about it, I let myself care for a moment that today 12 months ago I was discarded like expired milk. I let myself say outloud what a CRAPPY excuse he was for a father to our kids, and what an even CRAPPIER excuse he was for a husband. But I didn't know any better, now I do and now I am sad about that fact.
Any day now I am expecting to be served with Divorce papers.
Which I guess is inevitable since he's engaged and
I wouldn't have him back if he was the last male on earth and the universe depended on it.
I will sign those papers and send them on with my feelings of failure, disappointment and sadness.
I will put all this behind me, but I will be reminded everyday that something we promised to last until death has been broken.
I am reminded everyday by our children's innocent faces, the faces that rely so heavily on their parents. And not just rely on their parents, they rely on us to do right by them, to do the BEST for them ...
How do you walk away from those feelings? I have moved on, I have found something so much better .. but why then do I still get these moments of sadness?
These feelings are not regret, I know I could not have done anything different and changed his actions. He is definitely not who I thought he was.
I know it was his weak pathetic morals and pure selfishness that killed our marriage. But how am I supposed to continue to deal with the challenges I face?
Most days I'm good... infact lately I am better than good.
So why do I still let it get to me when I'm alone?
Why when I stop for a moment from my hectic life as a single Mum, why does it get to me so much? Why do I cry when there is no reason to anymore?
Sometimes I feel weak, insecure and I'm scared I can't do everything I need to do.
I don't feel like I've got any sort of safety net to catch me if I fall.
I worry that I'm going to miss something that is important.
I am impatient that life is standing still and these emotions that sometimes overwhelm me won't go away.
How can I start a fresh when these things still haunt me occassionally?
If I PRETEND long enough that everything is good, and sometimes I do feel like I'm just PRETENDING, then it usually is .. but what if one day I can't?
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Posted by EasyToSay on 2008-04-20 06:05:58 | Rating: | Views: 141
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It's when we have time to ourselves it hits..and at times hits hard. K its been 8 years for myself, and sometimes it pops into my mind and it hurts. I can now refer to the break up as "it". What makes me feel better is that I have moved on, made a new life for myself. It's not alway rosy, such as life. I do know that I have become more relaxed and more myself...unfortunately these things take time.(I got tired of hearing that phrase as well) And kiddo cry when you need to cry...you've been through so much...you've had to be strong in this adversity. I screamed into my pillows and broke a ton of coffee cups..to release my frustration. Worked for me :)
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Posted by pitapie50
on 2008-04-20 09:01:21
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Would you like to dance? I'm not very good at it, but I can fake it. Maybe a few drinks and a little howling at the moon? A walk on the beach? A kiss just for the sake of a kiss?
You are going to have all those things. And when they happen you will be so glad you have nothing to feel guilty about.
You will be fine, darlin'.
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Posted by HungryHeart
on 2008-04-21 01:42:55
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PP50 - you mean it never goes away!!!! :) arrggghhhh think i'll go buy some coffee mugs.
Thank goodness I've got friends like you. I really appreciate you.
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Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-04-21 02:55:38
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Easy, *HUG*....this was really touching. You are an incredible person...I dont know how to comment, because I wont claim to know what ur going through. It was a marriage, I can imagine how much u must have invested in it. My words might not help, but I know my hug will help at least a little :) There..ur smiling :D Yay!! I knew it!!
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Posted by angelwings
on 2008-04-21 02:56:45
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HH - thank you for your very sweet comment, they really do help me & my moods :)
I do long for the day I'm happy with another. I am not bitter and twisted about ALL men, just the one that did this... Thank you again :)
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Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-04-21 02:56:49
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Angel, thank you so much ... it is so nice to see you back on Thoughts. It is friends like you that do help me to smile...thank you
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Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-04-21 03:03:27
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Easy, can I pass on to you the wisest advice I was ever given? It sounds so hard now, especially after I have read about your hurt, but just forgive him and let go. When you do just that you will be liberated beyond words. You are a wise and loving parent to your kids and that gives them an enormous start in life. If you can forgive, there will be huge blessings ahead for you, believe me. I went through just what you are experiencing and some days, when the kids were at school, I howled like a Banshee. I still howled after I met my present husband, but he helped to dry my tears. Then I forgave and the tears dried up. I have really no feelings now for my ex. I wish him only good and I'm sorry he isn't happy. My kids treat him with great respect and he appreciates that in his own way. You will be the winner, big time. Mark my words, on the next anniversary you will be writing with a much lighter heart. Even if you do not believe, I will pray for you, that the hurt will go and your burden lightens. And.....it will!
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Posted by overthehillandfar...
on 2008-04-21 05:01:42
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E. You are right, and I appreciate you sharing your experience with me. I have let go, I just need to forgive him. That's coming as I'm growing in myself.... and the next man in my life will out class him tenfold..
thank you again my friend.
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Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-04-21 07:07:49
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Easy it does get better...its just like any other painful thing that one experiences in life. Sometimes they rear their ugly head. I'm glad that its over and I don't have to endure that bad relationship anymore. He was in my life for more than half of it...makes it hard to close the book at times.
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Posted by pitapie50
on 2008-04-21 07:11:06
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I liked overthehill's advice and I completely understand why the "forgive" part is still a bit out of reach for you. It only makes sense that it would be pretty tough to forgive someone who hasn't quite finished being "unforgivable." The fact that you're having to do spin control with your kids everytime FOTY earns his name can't be easy. Because you are doing such an awesome job with your kids, I know that eventually, as they get a bit older, they will be able to more clearly see things for what they are, and hopefully the spin control will no longer be necessary.
Maybe then we'll all be able to wish you a happy anniversary on this date, and it WILL be!
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Posted by BootLady
on 2008-04-21 08:15:58
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Hi Easy, ditto on the forgive and forget, but these things take time. There's no set rule on the timing of these things though. I forgave two and a half years later and will forget....who knows when? You will know when the time is right, but it makes sense that we're not sad, but nostalgic for the early days when the anniversary comes around. Hopefully, we'll both forget one day and be happy with new men in our lives.
Peace and love XXX
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Posted by Ellie2008
on 2008-04-21 16:36:18
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This blog is very inspirational. Things happen for a reason. Its natural to feel hurt and sadness every once in a while. But It wouldn't be good to let things get ya down, I admire u for being a strong person that you are. Thank you for motivating me today. U should be my mentor.
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Posted by Plakola
on 2008-04-22 11:11:32
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