I sit here sad and reflective.  Today I was once again overwhelmed with my responsibilities.

I'm working my butt off at my job, making sure I move forward. 
I continually feel I have to prove I am better than those who I work with.  Those who do the same amount of work I do in 5 days while I only get 4. While my head spins at the thought of the new project I have been given to manage - it truly is massive. I allow myself realise that there is a real possibility that I will stink.   Which would prove to those standing around my ring of life, in the work sphere - that you really can't have it all.  The single Mum can't be everything.  But my pride knows It is something I just cannot fail.

Then I get a slap of reality as Master 4 lashes out at me in frustration and anger over what I consider a small deal (not being allowed to go to his friends at short notice).
It shows me he's really just a little boy who isn't "over" his Dad going, he shows me he is so much more fragile than I think, and this hits me where it hurts most, deep down in my heart.

This makes me recoil in pain, and cry to myself.... I can't help but think it's not fair.
You know the good old feel sorry for yourself - It's NOT FAIR cry?

Here's Master 4's Dad - happy off with his new life - but he's forgotten what is important in life.  He comes back every now and again and scratches the surface, but he just doesn't see it anymore.... how can he not see it??

He's left the kids here, and it's now my job to nurture them, make sure they reach their full potential, because they have so much potential in this life, and if you don't recognise that, and take that responsibility bloody serious then there is a real chance it won't thrive... they are my babies ...  they are going to be GREAT, better than GREAT.

I am doing my utmost best, but on these occassions I feel like I am just not enough.  I feel like I'm letting them down as much as he is because I can't make him see what he's doing.... and I have tried so many times.

I feel like I'm missing something vital to give to our kids and it's burning through my heart as I type.

These two children have so much to give to life, to the world, they have the potential to be amazing adults, but like all kids they need to be guided, shown the way.
They need to follow to begin with.  They need to know they are important and he's NOT treating them with the importance they deserve and that sucks!

I cannot have these weak moments in front of them, I have to show them all is great.  They feel different sometimes, I know they do, their eyes cannot hide it.

I will keep fighting my fights, and doing the best I can to give them the world.  I know I cannot rely on their father, and I have to be the best I can for them.

But sometimes I just run out of steam, sometimes I let doubt win - I let what their Dad did and is still doing overcome me.

But for my children, for their futures I will do anything, I will fight forever to give them everything they deserve. I WILL succeed so they too can succeed. 

As for their Dad, well he will reap what he sows...... that's not my problem anymore.