Thoughts.com Blogs - Giving Foty "How to be a better parent"

Tonight while we waited for Miss 8 to get home from Dancing foty rings me on my mobile.
Normally he calls on the home phone, and with caller ID I can chose to let it go to message bank or answer it and tell him that Miss 8 is not here, because Master 5 won't talk to him on the phone.

If he calls on my mobile it is usually because no-one has answered the land line, or because he wants to talk to me first.. This time when he rings, I'm back to being worn out about my day/week and still feeling a bit "couldn't" be bothered-ish.

I contemplate not answering but know I have to, especially in light of what transpired last night (Tuesday).
Sure enough when I answer, he tells me he thought he'd try to catch Miss 8 after Dancing and before we go to the Open Night at her school. But I explain to him that it wasn't my turn to do the car pooling for dancing this week and she'd probably be home in about 20 minutes. Usually that is enough to get him off the phone.
This time he DOES want to speak to me.

He mentions last night again, and again asks what WE are going to do with Friday evening. He also reveals that he felt bad about last night, so has written Miss 8 a letter which he posted.
Which contradicts his statement to me that he did NOT speak harshly to her. Maybe he's had a moment and realised that he is WRONG or simply it means he lied.

I tell him I'm glad he's done that. I'm thinking he needs to NOT do what the cause of that letter having to be written was. That is using Emotional Blackmail on our kids.

Friday night comes up again, and I ask him if he's going for FORCE Master 5 to go with him if he doesn't want to. He sighs and says No, he's not going to. But he thinks that Master 5 should just get used to it!
I respond that I do not like to see the kids upset and I don't want that to happen.
He quickly retorts that he does not want to see them unhappy either.

So I suggest he does be Daddy Disney on Friday night and he does SUGAR COAT the event. I suggest he buys them something small for the night and have it in the car for the journey to his place (he lives 40 mins away).
He comes back at me for a minute saying he does not want to bribe them into his car by saying HERE IS A GIFT but you can only keep it if you get in the car.

I correct him and tell him to do it slightly different. I suggest he says to them that there IS a surprise for them IN the car, and they can have it when they leave. Not because they are leaving, but they can JUST have it when they do leave. He gets the difference, or so he says.

I tell him that Miss 8 is concerned that this is going to be an ongoing thing - that is for him to want them regularly over night. I ask him if that is his intention, because if it is I will need to get the kids used to doing it.

He says "Oh No, I don't want to do that!"

I am relieved but disappointed all at the same time.

I know they need their Daddy time, and even though this SHOULD turn into a regular event for their sakes, and I know I'll start to enjoy that ME time. I also know it will be hard for me to start with if he starts wanting that now.

I will feel it because I am the one who has to talk them into it. I have to field their doubts, and their insecurities. I have to reassure them that I will be fine if they sleep overnight there. All this becomes taxing on me at times.

I can't believe at the same time that he doesn't want to make it a regular thing. I raise that I suggested he have them next weekend overnight Friday because Master 5 has a birthday party on the Saturday at 2:30pm and overnight would give him more time with them. He tells me he already has plans on the friday night.
Then says he'll need to bring them back early this Saturday because he's going to the Football on Saturday night and has to be there around 5pm.

It's weird you know it's like he's an uncle or a grandparent who is happy to have them overnight every now and again - like once a year!!! Not regularly like I would expect a father to want to have with his children.
He fits the kids around HIS social life ... it should be the other way around.

Anyway I continue giving him advice for the next 10 minutes or so. Suggestions on what he could buy, how to speak to them when he arrives to take them to his place. Key things NOT to say....
I also ask him if it is possible for him to leave his Precious work earlier on Friday night so he's here earlier so they can eat dinner as close to their regular time as possible. He says He'll TRY!

After I've given him the first 5 chapters of basic parenting 101 I suggest I get Miss 8 to call him when she gets home. He thanks me and we hang up.

Miss 8 calls him on the way to the school open night. He tells her the "harsh" words must have been a misunderstanding! Miss 8 tells me after she gets off the phone. I suggest to her that she tell me if she is not sure when he talks that way in future - so we make sure foty knows if he's been taken the "wrong" way!
Gee he is such a liar, and Miss 8 makes a comment saying as such - of course in a nicer way!

I contemplate for a moment that I'm helping him be a better Dad - and I wonder why. Then I remember I'm doing it for my kids. NOT FOR HIM.

Oh and then there is a phone message from HIS Dad. The munchkins grandfather. He's been away overseas for the past 6 weeks and missed Master 5's birthday. You may recall he sent a postcard here and addressed it totally to Miss 8 & Master 5 - no mention at all to me. I checked it to be sure a few times. Seems he wants to come visit the kids Sunday morning. He has some gifts for them. He lives in another state so his times with the kids are limited. He usually slots in with foty when foty has them. But this time the window of opportunity is only on the Sunday morning.
I contemplate ignoring his call and not calling back or suggesting he re-arrange his schedule so he can see them Saturday at foty's. But once again I am guided my "doing" the right thing. I'll fit him in on Sunday morning, for the kids!

Ahh and these are the foty files!