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| FOTY really won't learn... will he!?
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Here I was saying how I felt bad for him, telling you all how I saw sorrow and maybe the tiniest speck of regret in his eyes on Tuesday when he came over to see the kids..... and today I am shown again that he is just not capable of those feelings.
He calls Miss 8 up at 4:45pm, it's Friday here and his normal time for calling her is 7:30pm. So I guess he's going out tonight ... ahhh the life of a FREE Spirit with no responsibilities.
Miss 8 answers the phone, correction she races me to the phone ... and answers it with a welcoming hello, instantly her tone changes as she repeats her hello in a disappointed manner.
Walking over to me she puts FOTY on speaker and starts having a chat.
He goes through his 20 questions (as she often puts it), then asks her what she'd like to do with him tomorrow. Miss 8 replies she doesn't know, and asks back what would he like to do.
He surprisingly has a suggestion to take the kids to a History of Gaming exhibition which is being held in the city (and his company is a sponsor for it.... so free tickets no doubt). He suggests it has all types of games way back from the Commodore 64, and old arcade games to games we have nowadays like the PS2, PS3 and X-box to name a few.
She looks at me and her eyebrows crease, I nod at her encouraging her. Taking my lead she says a not so convincing "Oooookkay".
Then reading my mind she asks who is going.
He tells her that JS might come, and would that be ok?
"Umm, err, oh o-kay," she says searching my face for help. I don't want to put words in her mouth, so I shrug my shoulders and smile..... she frowns back at me ... as if to say Thanks alot.
So I whisper that if she's not comfortable with that to let him know she'd prefer to spend the day with him, by himself.
He asks her why, I turn my back, this has to come from her, not me.
She says that she'd prefer to meet JS when her Mum was there,
FOTY tells her sternly that "This is NOT going to happen."
"I feel like spending the day with you and Master 4." she says. I could hear the waiver in her voice, she's not sure she should be saying this, but I turn and nod at her encouraging her to say what she feels.
"If you want," he says clearly annoyed.
Miss 8 looks at me, and I nod and whisper it's okay.
Now the phone conversation was not very long, but once he realises she doesn't want his Mistress to come along he no longer wants to talk to her.
"Well I'll see you tomorrow then, bye" he says rather abruptly.
"Yer okay Dad, Love you." she follows.
"Love you" he says deflated and disappointment creeping in.
Now I can tell he was annoyed with his daughter for not accepted JS.
But he needs to look at the facts,
1. He left us all - not just me
2. He is now engaged to this woman that his kids have never met (sorry Master 4 has once - but not formally)
3. He has put this woman before his kids on too many occassions to list here
4. And he has not been there for them, he's taken them with him only 4 times in the last 2 months on his Saturday time. (We have an agreement he'd have them 10am - 5pm every Saturday).
I suggested to him when we had a chat two weeks ago that he needs to spend time with them ALONE and then introduce JS once he was seeing them consistenly.... he agreed.
I suggested that he do something small to introduce JS - not force them to spend the whole day with her on their first meeting. He wanted to take them to the zoo with her the first attempt.
But he just doesn't listen, he has his own agenda and his own itinerary. Too bad he hasn't included the kids from the start.
For the record I told Miss 8 it is important for her to feel comfortable saying what she feels.
Off the record I wouldn't be surprised if JS was there in some format tomorrow - whether he picks her up or whether she "turns" up at the exhibition centre. That's how little I think he regards Miss 8's feelings. |
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Posted by EasyToSay on 2008-03-28 02:05:42 | Rating: | Views: 124
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I call it face time...I think dads need face time with their kids...they are so buzy entertaining them, taking them places, all they really need is to be together...face to face...you were right to tell your x husband that its time he step up to the plate.
You are a great mom, I sure it has not been easy but keep up the good work.
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Posted by roe
on 2008-03-28 03:01:34
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OK, putting on my horns to play devils advocate(and here it fits)
What if he slowly brings her into the situation? The "accidental run in" at the show if it lasts 15 minutes or so might not be bad
Listen, I think he is wrong in what he did but the reality is that their lives, for better or worse, are going to include JS. It is a fact. And while he can not ram her down their throats, she does need to strta creeping in.
MAYBE you and FOTY talk and all 5 of you go to dinner one night. I know he will hate this idea but it might help Miss 8 and it is what she wanted.
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Posted by whiteknight
on 2008-03-28 07:12:07
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WK - I agree with you, and I discussed with Miss 8 suggesting to her Dad that they meet her the last hour of their visit or whatever.
I accept if she's hanging around I want my kids comfortable with her definitely.
But I'm disappointed here because we talked about that very scenario only two weeks ago ...the slowly slowly approach and how his relationship with his kids should be the priority.
He is NOT package deal with JS, he is their father first, then she can come into the picture.....
thansk too Roe & Bullseye, you guys are great..... you too WK
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Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-03-28 07:23:05
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Your kids are great. I think he needs to be more sensitive to how his kids feel and how they perceive JS.
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Posted by prelude2it
on 2008-03-28 10:40:14
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I think FOTY was incredibly selfish to allow his disappointment that Miss 8 did not want to meet JS to show. On the other hand, Whitenknight is right that eventually they will have to meet. Hopefully, he will spend time with the kids without her even after they are married, although time with all four of them together cannot be avoided. What a tough situation! I wish I had some words of wisdom.
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Posted by Meredith
on 2008-03-28 13:25:46
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I read your post again, and my words and your response.
You are right
He is trying too hard to do this
See I think he has a wrong idea(what else is new)he has an idea that Miss 8 is not saying this all but that this is all yoir voice and her mouth moves.
AS I said he is wrong
Problem is there is not a good solution here.
You can not say talk to her, as he will think she is coached
Unless...just an idea here....right now from all I get Tuesday and Saturday are Dad days...roughly (it is far more detailed but you get the drift)
Have him add a day
Lets pick Thursday just for sake of an example
Thursday is JS and Dad day
It may be a win/win as long as he does not start replacing the other two with that day!
1)He gets what he wants and they gte to know her
2)Miss 8 and Master 4 get more dad time, yes it is shared time but it is more
3)They do not lose the time they have now with him alone
Ok here is the idea fleshed out
All parties agree that any week that Tueday and Saturday are Dad ONLY days and Dad shows up and gives his all(see the kids get a motivated FOTY too, I like this better by the second) he gets that extra day next week where all 4 of them go out. Any week they he does not, he loses it. Now the one thing is that Miss 8 and Mater 4 need to agree also that no making him show up Tuesday & Saturday and then she/he backs out on Thursday.
Try this for three months and maybe by then it might not be needed.
But maybe a "family"..read no JS...sit down about this might be good. If you come up with this FOTY might even be so thrown he might agree to anything. LOL
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Posted by whiteknight
on 2008-03-28 14:52:55
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i'm so glad i don't have to deal with children in my present situation. children learn from what they see adults do. its how we all learned. kids are resiliant too. they are way smarter than we give them credit for. ur kids seem so together. i was a private nanny for 12 yrs and saw all types of families. what i've learned from adults is minimal. what i've learned from kids is mountainous (is that a word? should be if its not).
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Posted by lastblastkl
on 2008-03-29 15:49:59
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