I have held my head high for the majority of my marriage separation - come - breakdown over the past 10 months.  I have had friends comment at how well I'm doing. 
That I'm not just coping but I'm moving on and forward. 

How I've managed to keep my job, get my kids to school and kinder is a blur to me.

How I've learnt to mow the lawns, whipper snip, re-start the pilot light, change the shower head and manage our pool still amazes me. 
I feed 2 cats, 1 dog and my 2 beautiful children, every morning and night.
I make lunches in the morning after starting work from home at 6am! 
I do weights 2 - 3 times a week and sometimes I even manage some DS or Wii time!

I am a SUPER MUM...... but not without help from my friends ... at what cost do I maintain this committment?

Friends don't often see me when the hour is dark and my emotions are running all over me.  They don't see the tears or fear of failure in my eyes.... that's why I try to be strong.  My kids have seen me cry, but nobody has seen me bawl..... because sometimes I just get tired of being strong.

I read in a self help book that your Brain/Mind only acknowledges things as it thinks you can deal with them.  Which would explain why sometimes I'm great about the facts, and other times I'm a mess.
I think I'd rather have a complete melt down and recover and never again be subject to the vulnerabilities of my life and the unexpected surprises that FOTY throws at me.

Sometimes I don't want to be strong, I want to cry, I want to be weak, I want everyone to look after me for once.  I want strong arms around me - preferably from a strong male.
But I'm afraid showing this side of me, makes me look weak.  I'm afraid it will look like baggage.  I'm afraid it makes me look like a whiny female.

So I snap out of it - and I pretend life is wonderful.  I pretend that I'm not hurt or scorned.
Of course I am happy I'm getting a divorce.... and yes paying my ex out and having a mortgage all to myself while raising two children as normal as possible is going to be easy - i've always looked forward to it.

Okay, I'm over it - I'm back to me ... I'm strong I can take on the world ... well at least a cheating, lying husband who has betrayed me and his pole dancing mistress - come fiancee.