My marriage breakdown and subsequent separation took a huge toll on my life especially emotionally. And although I grow stronger every day I am still visited by the demons that haunt my heart.

Sometimes it is an event that triggers it - such as seeing the source of my pain moving on with his life and being happy in his relationship.   
Like the day I found out they were engaged (not from him mind you), each time he lets down our children.  The day I get those divorce papers in the mail (here in Australia you can do divorce and financial settlement separately - some chose to stay married legally but separate financially - depends whether you wish to marry again I guess).

But other times it is triggered by my emotional state (being hormonally charged!!!!)

But the other area of my life that suffers too is my bank account.  I am the one who has to pay him out.   I am the one who keeps the kids and the house, AND has to pay him out a substantial amount of money. 
Sure he pays child maintenance but he thinks this covers EVERYTHING!!!

While I agree that he should get his share of the house, I disagree with the amount. 
While I agree that he contributed to the mortgage when he was here, it wasn't my sole choice to "double" our mortgage 5 months before he left, or my choice to quit and start a fresh.

He left me, he cheated on me..... he gets to move on with his life and not worry about money.  He spent a significant amount on an engagement ring for JS yet won't contribute to his own children's Private Health Insurance or Ambulance cover.

Our settlement agreement is I pay him half of the "agreed amount on signing the consent order.  Which thanks to my Dad giving me all of his savings and my grand-mother giving me my future "inheritance" I was able to do.

Then I have 2 years in which to pay him the "other" half.  Which I don't have yet,  and if I don't get it I have to put the house on the market, pay him the other half that I owe him once it sells plus any interest accumulated calculated from the date I was meant to pay him.

Fair?  I don't know....

Now I am NOT a material person, and I have been asked why I won't sell the house.  My reasons are simple:

1.  The kids and I need somewhere to live - and we only moved a year and 5 months ago

2.  I would not be better off if I did sell or downsize (with interest rates rising all the time and stamp duty on buying a new house being one of the highest in my state ... and real estate fees ... it just wouldn't be worth it).or rent.

3. It's now my house and one day it is what my children will inherit from me

I've cut back on everything unnecessary, and then today I get a letter in the mail that tells me because Master 4 is turning 5, the Family Tax Benefit that I receive is going to be reduced!!! Surely they realise that kids cost more as they get older ... not less??

I am working 4 days a week (on paper .. really it is more considering what I do at home!) and if possible I will maintain that until next year when Master 4 goes to school.  I have never had to worry about budgeting (more fool me!!).

But until I work full time I will continue to worry about my finances every now and again ...
I don't want any sympathy, I don't want a hand out - I'm gonna do this ... and I'm going to pay back my Dad every cent (if he'll let me)

So why do I worry? 

Because I'm IT.... there is no second person here to share the load, there is no second income to give us breathing space, and my parents and family have already helped me too much ..... oh wait a minute ... there is a $25 million dollar super draw in lotto .... hmmm maybe I'll lash out and buy a ticket!

Yes that is wha I'll do !   .... or maybe I'll get that Romance novel started ... hmmmmm .......