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| The Final Day |
Today was my last day with Felix.
And at his house, in his bed with the rugrats sheets we held each other close and he made me feel like no guy has ever made me feel and I cried again. I cried for the love, for the pleasure, for his beauty… I cried that another girl will get to have him.
He took me out to eat at hotdog shop and we got hotdogs and crisp onion rings, staining the bag with grease. And I ate with him on a checkered picnic blanket, on a table with our names carved in it in the park. And he told me,
“You’re still my best friend. You know that?”
I looked at him.
“You too,” I said quietly.
“And I still love you Rebecca, you know that.”
I nodded, trying not to cry.
He put an arm around my shoulder.
“And I still think you’re beautiful,” he said.
And I started to cry. Again.
And his hair fell in his eyes and he kissed each place a tear slid down my face. Which is not as romantic as it sounds, seeing as my face was covered in snot.
We went to all of the most important places. We went to the statue where he asked me out, and where I asked him forgiveness for one of the worst mistakes I have ever made. We sat there for a minute and then he told me softly, “If this is too painful, we can leave,” And I told him “yes.” And we left.
We went to his house and I drew him one last time. I drew him lying stretched out, looking at the ceiling, his hair falling around his lovely face, his deer-lashes pointed upwards, each of his ribs visable, the muscles in his arms taught, his adams apple swallowing periodically, shaking he was trying so hard to hold still for me, trying still, even on our last day, to please me.
And while we were driving away in silence he asked me. “I don’t understand why you are so sad. We’re still going to see each other all the time, right?”
I was quiet.
“Right?”
“Felix. When we’ve broken up, things won’t be the same.”
“What do you mean?” He took his eyes off the road and looked at me.
“I mean. We won’t hang out after school. You can’t give me rides places. I won’t dress up for you. I might try to see other guys. That sort of thing.”
He was alarmed.
“Really? Not after school. Friends do that, right? No rides? You can still dress up if you want! Which guys? Will we still get to hang out on the weekends?”
I looked at him incredulously. Had he not thought this through?
“Felix, we can’t hang out JUST the two of us now… I mean, I don’t feel comfortable doing that. We can’t do anything physical either. You know, kissing, tight hugging, cuddling…”
Felix kept his eyes on the road but he was very concerned.
“Why, I don’t understand, why do things have to be different? If I still love you, can't we do the same things together."
“Because we’re breaking up at the end of today Felix. Things will never be the same.”
“Things don’t have to change!” he cried. “I will still keep pictures of you in my wallet! I’ll still be there for you! You’re my best friend! You will come before WHOEVER it is I happen to date. Bros before hoes Rebecca, right?” He gave me a strained smile.
“Things don’t have to be different,” he said again. And this time he was reassuring himself, not me.
The day came to an end, and as it did, so did our relationship the way we know it. He walked me out to my car from his house, parked on the curb almost in the grass.
“One last kiss?” he asked me.
I shook my head yes, trying not to cry, the way I had been all weekend. Felix’s shirt was wet with my last fresh batch of tears.
I leaned into him and pressed my lips against his. We fell into eachother, melded into eachother the way it is supposed to be, and for just a moment, everything was OK, and everything was going to be alright, and this was all some long nightmare.
And then we pulled apart, the knowledge of what was happening sour between us.
“Well, goodnight,” Felix said.
I pulled my hand away from his and unlocked my car.
“Goodnight,” I whispered.
I got in my car and closed the door.
Jacob tapped on the window.
I rolled it down.
“Give me a call when you get home, OK?” he told me. He always wants to make sure I got home safe.
“OK,” I said. Real quiet.
He nodded awkwardly and stepped away, pushing back his hair the way he only does when he’s nervous.
I pulled away from the curb, watching him get smaller and smaller in my rearview mirror.
I chose “Yesterday” by the beatles.
And until I was out of his neighborhood, I didn’t start to let myself cry.
“Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as if they’re here to stay. Oh yesterday seemed so far away.”
I cried for me.
I cried for him.
I cried for us.
I cried until I couldn’t see the road.
“I said something wrong and now I long for yesterday.”
I knew this was all my fault. For giving him that ultimatum.
And I prayed out load, shouting almost over the music, “Dear God, just let your will be done. Please God, just let whatever is right happen. Just let whatever is supposed to happen happen here. Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven,” and I cried it and shouted it to heaven and if God was listening, he heard me.
“Yesterday love was such an easy game to play. Now I need a place to hide away. Oh I believe in yesterday.”
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