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Yelling in the Wind

3/38
Hopefully this will work as a way to vent without hurting the people i love, or scaring off people that only kinda know me. Can believe how much of an ass i can be to those i trust most. They all have thier own problems and im the only one willing to listen, even though it doesn't help me exist to them. As i had posted earlier, sadly where it could be found by the people i care about could read, and i made a girl i love cry. Im never wanted, but i am needed. I don't have people that invite me to spend time with them, but they will come to me when they need someone to listen. its my bizzare gift and perhaps a curse as well. people find me easy to talk to, and quick form a causual bond in which to relate their woes to me, or complete random topics of discussion. Always lending my ears though i don't get to vent like i need too. my problems are small i just need to yell into the wind into a place where i can let it out and odds are it wouldn't be read, or listen too. Somewhere away from the people that i love so i don't put these dark, empty words into their ears, and so i don't hold them in letting them build up before i have to explode. So i guess i shall make a list of them for myself to know what all ails me.

I've had teh crappiest luck with woman, i keep trying to improve to try and be a better man, and i keep asking the woman who became signifcate to me what to do. But none of them have answers it makes me feel as though some how im doomed that i've already missed my chance to learn things that are need for a relationship. im at the point of giving up on ever having anyone that i want to hold close. i can't seem to get it right, i can work my ass off, solve Calculas Equations, Physics, Chemistry, understand economic, politics all the things that enrich ones wallet doesn't bring happiness. Actually being alone is the fear everythings relates to it.

It was the reason i told myself i had to give up on ever finding anyone. I have to accept my fear to overcome it, a certain hypocracy comes to mind with this, im giving up hope in order to have hope. I have to figure out how i would/should live the perminate bachor life inorder to be content, because i would never be happy. I have to give up the dream of finding love, of having a family, of being a father, a husband, a great grandfather. Which is almost like ripping your own heart out, getting rid of that dream. Though i have never come close to finding anyone that i feel attracted to both physically and mentally, my dream girl is just that an impossiblity. that or all the canidates are taken, have a lot of that going on as well. i don't know why this is so hard i imagine most typical guys would be absolutly loving the idea of being single forever. you don't get introuble for looking a beatuiful woman, for talking about more mature material, and you can head out on the town freely. The price being you don't have any conections with a woman that is very strong, your bed is always too big and your world always lacking something and only a womans smile can do. And that brings me to family, i often been told i be a great dad, to be honest i think its the most difficult, most time consuming, hardest, most wonderful job in the world. Its not easy to be a parent but the comes a certain pride and joy when you commite yourself to someone and watch them grow as a person, i bet it's a thousand times better when its your child. Its probably something i won't every find out for myself though as much as i would love too. I have to let go of that ambtion, that want, that dream; i have to see if can ever have a life without that dream. I broken through so many of them alreday, those childhood goals and ambitions. Even a few of my personal barriers about drinking, sex, and moral rightness. Can i exceed hope though? hope is probably the most powerful human emotion i have ever seen, it goes hand and hand with faith. Faith is a fource that on its own makes up a good amount of the struggles, pain, and suffering of most people. Yet it's what drives them to also do good things, help others, to ease pain and suffering. Hope and Faith are a universal human trait, so unless i somehow become inhuman i will have to have some but what hope is there for a single lonely person in this world? They don't have childern to pass on their genetic heiritage, nor do they someone to carrier on those little lessons that they have learned. Single people are less likely to be remembered unless you are the Pope or some other historical title that nearly all of us never can concieve of happening. Giving up hope, and forever being alone is like death, sure i'd do things but then i am truly dust in the wind. what do people do when there is nothing worth living for? i guess that'll be what keeps me up for the next few weeks, oh joy. but its time to mull it over so i guess i should.
4/9
Just need to get put down some thoughts i had yesterday so i can look over them later and maybe some random stranger will have some tips or something but at least they'll be out into the wind.
Give up you'll never find her, and she's not looking for you. you are insible, a shadow, the unseen, commit to emptiness, to shadows, to the hated. Become the weapon against the emptiness by becoming an empty being. Be there for others help them out of the shadows. There is nothing special about you, nothing unique. you Cam to this path because you failed at being human because you fail to become what you wanted to be. You failed at becomeing a hero, you failed at becoming someone important to be wanted for who you are.
i guess i get too much time to think, to hate myself. but i have been a major failure at socializing, and no one is really interested in helping, and its the only thing that im really a slow learner at. Oh well, i have to find something more that dream of ever having a family, of finding some to hold for the rest of my life, of escaping my feelings of emptiness. So the question is what is there once you give up that dream? I'll have a job, friends that'll want me to listen to their problems, sometimes give them an idea how to deal with them. i guess im going to have to find out the hard way, making it day by day, but that's the only way people ever find out anything.
4/17
Well today is one full of interesting questions. What do i have to be grateful about, and am i somehow invisible or unimportant to the few people that actually talk to me. The first question came fairly early this morning and i kept drawing up blanks. For every thing i could be greatful for the was something about it that i either hated or really disapproved of. The one thing i use to be really greatful for was that my family was whole, my parents had stuck together for almost 19 years of my life, and they had been together 21 years. It was something to be proud of give most kids parents where devoreced it gave me a feeling of distinct stablity and i was grateful for that. When the divorece came around i survived but i lost everything. it happen to occur with my crashing social life, and barely getting to how college works. Currently everything seems to balance out to zero, i don't have anything to be greatful about, nothing to really strive for, nothing but really myself to support myself, simply because i found no one to trust, and it seems everytime i try i back fires three fold. Well with any luck blogging it out will keep it from having any negative affects.
As for the second one, well without using names friend 1 a person from my hometown, introduced me to friend 2 who goes to the same college. They have had a falling out, and friend 2 was telling me how greatful she was that friend 1 had introduced her to their friends at their college and im going if it hadn't been for friend 1 you would have never of met me. Being me i instantly went through all the reasons why i wasn't on the list. friend 2 forgot, which would suck because its a rather obvious thing. or im not imporant enough to count, even though they were talking to me. This same thing has happend around my other friends, they talk around me, as though they don't hear what i say. Like talking to a wall or something you have no problems saying anything and don't expect an answer. niether one of those are very postive things but...im always excluded...its like i don't exsit until people need me, like some imaginary friend that you only conjure up when you need to. i may be looking too much into things, but i would like to hear from some of my friends im worth something to them without have to promt it, so that it was sincere. come to think of it only one person has, and she someone i wish i could spend my life with but her heart is set on another, and i gave up my chance to be with her because i stuck to my morals. it certainly is a long day when it begins at 4 o' clock in the moring, and only gets longer when you get hard questions.
4/18
i really need to get over myself. i keep hurting the poeple around me. Im so frustrated i can't get any answers, ideas, nothing; and no one wants to help me. Either they don't want to deal with other peope or have too much other stuff that i don't want to bother them. i just wish i could trust someone unload my feelings, but everywhere i turn a door closes. One thing perhaps interesting was i was told i should do a list of the thing im grateful of, i decided to also list the reasons i was didn't feel those things where enough.
Frineds: i have a fair amount of friends and i try to be there for them. Though it doesn't always work in return for me. thats the reason i even have this account in the first place.
Family: while i share my blood with them it feels like im only taking space, the person that will always to what needs to be done. i feel as though i can't relax around them. then again after the dievorce it doesn't feel like i have a family or really a home.
I then try little things a few where hard to debunk with bad. still the list of negative stuff was huge i need to find a way to shrinking the list, to deal with some of the items and solve others.
Empty feeling; not sure what i can do but accept that i do feel empty.
Lonely; probably something i'll have to get use to until i can find away to deal with the pain. the fear that i'll be alone forever. things could be worse...somehow.
That i always have to ask or show off for basic attention; its hard to feel like you are part of something when no one includes you, i should probably get use to being in the shadows it happens often enough.

Posted by DragonEyes on 2008-03-29 02:35:00 | Rating: