15487 Blog Feed: DouglasMB 2008-10-10 12:10:52 DouglasMB Your e-mail address 161808 2008-10-10 12:39:34 New Presidential Candidate... It's someone we know!

Hi,

There's an effort to elect an unknown random person as President... and it's someone we know! Watch this online video about the surprising new nominee:

http://www.tsgnet.com/pres.php?id=370617&altf=Epvhmbt1&altl=Njdibfm

Jot back a note to let me know what you think!

]]> 161767 2008-10-10 11:21:17   So It seems our dear Kate has started a nice list for us all to do.... so I will give it a shot...

  20 Things You Didn't Know About Me

 1) I do not really live in a one light town... I mean I have more than one light in my house all by myself....  lol

 2) I am right handed.... whoa I just saw all the eyebrows go up... I write with my right hand shall I say....

 3) I have been in love 2 times in my life

 4) I am actually kinda shy

 5) I hate sweat potatoes

 6) I want to know what was going through the guys mind who ever thought licking a frog might get you high....

 7) I wanted to be a vet....cop.... firefighter... football player when I was growing up....

 8) the football player kinda came true I did play for a semi pro team.

 9) I sometimes sleep walk.... I once woke up on my back deck wrapped up in a blanket.... and no I had not been drinking.

 10) I am 5'8 - 5'9 short to average for a guy....

 11) I have had 2 opperations on my right knee one of which includes a blown ACL

  12) I prefer woman who are strong willed and have thier own mind than to the wishy washy women

 13) I love to read

 14) I have an old muscle car that I will be working on this winter

 15) I am from cleveland ohio....

 16) I used to be on a swim team

 17) I work in the field of Metrology

 18) I am really running out of things to say
 
 19) I am glad this is allmost over

 20) I am glad this is over lol....


 hahaha sorry lol




]]> 161362 2008-10-09 16:23:32 This is going to be touchy…. I do not know why I am doing this I think maybe it is guilt or lack of something that I am missing. This thoughts community has been so good to me, so supportive, and yet I feel like I am living a lie. I get comments about being a nice guy and things of that nature and I cringe, I thank you for them and I appreciate them, but I guess in many ways I do not believe it. I think that is why I have felt the urge to blog all the bad stuff, like I have to be what I am now to make up for the things I have done or the things that were done to me as a child… I really do not know. But here is another story to add to my pieces of time group.

Time to go…

The night was long and I had fallen asleep again on the couch waiting for my mom to get home. I was the man of the house at 15 and once everyone was in and safe I would lock up and go to bed. My mom worked at a bar at night and sometimes would bring “Friends” home, so as sad as it may sound I would always ask her if anyone was coming. And if she said no, than no one came in when she was in. This was because of a few times people who knew where she lived would come over thinking well… what ever they were thinking I was what stopped them. Being a child born with many physical problems due to excessive drug use during her pregnancy I actually turned out to be a big boy in middle school I was not aloud to play football because I was to strong. At 15 I was only 5’6 but I was about 170-175 lbs and nothing fat on me. I was a boy in a man's body. So when mom said no! By god no one was coming in that house.

Well this night she had not come home at all… only time that ever happened she would call. I called her boss he said he knows she closed that night but he was not there she was the one locking up. We had no cell phones then so I just woke my brother up and got him moving for school made breakfast and got in the shower… when I came out of the shower I heard people talking. I put my shorts on quickly instead of my school clothes. And I came out of the bathroom. My mom is in the hallway with my brother and a guy I had never met before talking. She is laughing and talking like nothing is out of place, and then she looks at me and asks me if I just got out of the shower, I said yes? And she went into “If I have told you once I have told you a million times not to take a shower and put dirty clothes back on.” These are the first words to me after staying out all night without a call… I got mad. I told her that I had just slept in these shorts that they were not dirty, and the only reason I put them on was because I heard voices in the house and that last I knew you were not home yet. Slap right across my face. I kind of expected it so it did nice surprise me. I just turned my back to her and headed to the bathroom. I had to get dressed for school and I did not have time for this. As I walked away she asked me what I thought I was doing. I just turned and looked at her and said, “I am getting dressed for school so I can then check to make sure Brad (my brother) has what he needs for school and I can make sure he gets on the bus so I can walk to school. I have responsibilities and I am taking care of them if that is ok with you.” I did not wait for an answer I turned walked into the bathroom and closed the door.

Ok I knew I was dead meat for even daring to talk to her like that but I was pissed! And I knew with her guy friend there she would not fly off the handle so it might buy me a bit of time for her to cool off but it was worth it either way. So I get dressed brush my teeth and all that stuff then I head into my room to get my shoes and that is where one point in my life made a turn…

I walk into the room and did not notice her come in right behind me until I was slapped in the back of the head. I quickly spun around to face her I at least wanted to see it coming. Her face was red and she was mad. “Did you think you would get away with talking to me like that? Huh? Did you?” she yelled. “What did you expect? I called your boss, I called 2 of your friends, and I had no idea where you were.” I replied. Her face twisted and I could see the rage boiling underneath, “You did what?” she hissed. “What exactly did you say to them huh? Did you say you and your poor little brother were home all alone last night and were scared?” She said a little louder half mocking me.
“So now my friends and my boss are going to think that I just leave my kids home alone at night. Some one is going o call this in and you will be taken to foster care. Is that what you want? Do you hate me so much that you would rather live in foster care?” I tried to speak… “Shut up you little brat. This is why I can not get any real boy friends…. Because of you kids. If I did not have any kids then my life would be so much better.” Over moms shoulder I could see my little brother standing in the hall way listening to this. I tried to side step mom to close the door but she only yelled and pushed me.

“Where in the hell do you think you are going? You do not walk away from me you punk.” I looked her in the eye and said, “I was going to close the door so Brad did not have to sit listen to you say how much better your life would be without us.” As she snapped her head around and saw my little brother standing there crying she looked up at me and slapped me across the face again. My eye welled up and I had tears in my eyes, and she yelled. “SEE! SEE what you did? I did not say it like that… and now your brother thinks I don’t love him because his big brother is a lying piece of shit.” I knew he knew the truth he had been there I did not twist anything. She twisted stuff all the time to make her self feel better about it, but I was getting tired of it and I was really hopping this red mark would go away before school or I would call in sick again.

“Do you have anything to say for your self? Do you?” I just put my head down ready for this to be over, “No ma’am” I grumbled. She then caught me in the face again and said, “Don’t you take that tone with me?” I was shaking I had really had enough. I was balling my fist up and releasing it the way you do when your hands are cold or asleep and you’re trying to work blood through them. I was doing it like you would bite down on something when you were hurt. She looked down at me and laughed, “Aww what’s wrong did mommy hurt the big man? Is he getting mad? Is he balling up his fist because he wants to hit me?” I was shocked… I would never… my head shot up to look at her to tell her no I would never do that but just as I looked up, slap…. Again across my face. “DON’T YOU EVER THINK ABOUT IT YOU STUPID LITTLE PUNK!” she screamed. “You are a worthless piece of no body.” Slap again, “you got that” Slap again “I am the boss here not you.” Slap again… my face is on fire I can barely see through the tears, my chest is heaving because I refuse to cry out. “So tough guy what do you have to say for your self”, “Nothing ma’am” I said as level as I could looking her right in the eye. “Good now tell your brother you lied and you better hurry because if you’re late to school you will be grounded.”

I looked to my little brother and he is just looking at me, wanting me to tell him whatever it is mom wants me to say. He wants it to stop. I have seen this look before. But what I told him shocked him, “Brad…. Go down stairs now” He looked confused, and mom looked at me with all the contempt in the world. “Bradford honey you stay right there and see what happens to bad boys who do not listen to their mother.” I half shouted over her, “Go down stairs.” I made up my mind I was taking us out of here.

She struck out again, and again on slap across the face after another, my nose started to bleed but I would not walk away. I could not take anymore. I caught the next blow in my hand and just held her arm in the air. She went wide eyed and just looked at me. The threw up her other hand I grabbed it as well. And I shoved her against the wall. The drywall cracked from floor to sealing, and I was shocked that I put my hands on her. I just stood there dumbfounded. She just looked at me confused. And started shouting, “see your going to be like all the rest of them. Go ahead and hit me. You know you want to just do it. But I let her go and I walked away. I was in complete shock. I could not believe what I had just done. I started to walk down the steps and she ran to my brother crying and hugging him whispering to him that he would never hurt momma like I did would you? Not my baby boy he loves his momma. And I left…..


Ok that is enough of that for now… probably to much but when the poison is in you… all you can do it get it out.

I am not looking for comments and if you trash me for what I did then fine. It was just something I had to get out. Something I have never told anyone. I have always been ashamed of it. I am a man, I never should lay a hand on a woman and I won’t for any reason.
]]> 161176 2008-10-09 08:32:37    I do not often write blogs for or about other people, but yesterday I read something that kinda threw me off balance a little bit. Normally ya read these kinda things and you go on the next... and three blogs later you have been shocked and bewildered by something else. Well this comment stuck with me, I thought about it last night as I sat by my fire, I was having a rough night nothing really to blog about just one of those nights where you look around and you wish someone else was there. And as I had these woe is me self pitty thoughts that comment hit me again... 

 Quote:

"Nice to get an update from you. Funny you should mention Weight Watchers. I also have been thinking of joining. Being pretty much alone in the world it would be so nice to have a bit of support and encouragement when it comes to diet. You rock, Douglas, the pleasure of knowing you is all mine. Oh, by the way, thanks for accepting my friend request. Peace "

  Before I get to that I also had a conversation with someone last night about my blah mood, and I told her ahow I love the people from thoughts, but when your home alone, it can feel like its just a computer. No one I can call up and say hey lets grab a drink, then her reply got me thinking. She said something onlong the lines of how she never thought that she would ever become so close or care about people online. And I agree.... Just the fact that I was still thinking about the comment was proof... I am not the only one that feels alone.

  Now any of you scribbelers out there who have gotten a comment from CD knows how deep and how much feeling she puts into it... and to think about a person who puts so much of herself into praising my work and the work of other to feel alone I guess was kind heart breaking... and my mood last night did not help....


  ok ok so with all that said... I will be starting a new thread on the forums soon... when I get it all together I will post spicifics... and I will be steeling... er umm.... burrowing a few ideas from another message board I used to use. But it will be about fitnes and weight loss... post ideas... recepies.... troubles.... questions....
 I know stuff like this is allready up there.... but sometimes jumping into that stuff will be like going to a new gym kinda scared... but I am there and it will be fun!!!

  YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS!! lol trust me...

 Thank you for all your wonderful support with the scribbels challanges we are blessed to have you amoung us.... maybe some of your good spelling will rub off on me lol


   keep your chin up and smile....

]]> 160888 2008-10-08 15:45:59  I am going out again with the girl from work this weekend. There is a local fesitvle we are going to then maybe out for lunch. We have talked a few times on the phone and it's just not clicking I don't think... even after our lets start over talk, it's just dry... I should be excited to talk to her and to see her.. and I at this point could go either way. So that is all there is on that  front for now....

 I am going to see my trainer this is week 3 or 4 I have seen her lol I honestly do not remember. But now that I have been going to the gym consistantly I will work on my diet. I took a spin class on monday... I did some body vive class on Tuesday haha and that bitch from Monday was in there and she would not even make eye contact with me. I am seeing the trainer today, tomorow is another spin class, and maybe another spin class on friday. So now I will start changing my diet a bit...  wont go on a diet per say... just change alot of what i eat and how much. I did WW along time ago and I liked it because it did not resrtict what you ate... it just made you hold your self accountable. I am looking at something along those lines.

 I am just ready for a change and I have decided how can I ever expect to find the awesome person that not only fits my like a glove ut still challenges me, when I am not happy with who and what I am. So it's time to like me... and to find out what "me" really is....

  The gutiar thing is just not working out... I am trying but my thick fingers just want to grab more than one string at a time... I am thinking about trying piano... I love both instraments. I just don't know if I am musically inclined. But that is part of finding who I am I guess...

  And on a side note but not really a side note... I need to get something out. You guys are awesome. I have felt so much love and so much support through so many different people, weather it is sitting there while I hit you with a million questions about writing. Or talking your ear off about dating, or blogging or just life in general. You guys do not know how much you mean to me in so many ways. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

smile ]]> 160846 2008-10-08 13:40:38   So as a few of you know I am actually attempting to write a book... I have come to a few for advice and cosole. I had this idea several months back with a different topic but allthough I may still try this I just never got the ball rolling. This though is a little different this is going to be fiction, something I am not used to writing.

  But to make a long story short, I am doing my research, and in doing so I cam across this simple yet informitave web page put out by an author to help others get started. I found the information here to be of great value... and it was free and simple to access. I emailed her to make sure she did not mind that I posted it on a blog and she told me that i was more then welcome to do so... so I wanted to share this with anyone interested in writing their own book... you may know alot... but sometimes a different point of view is allways good... And soon I will start a forum thred where people can put in different things they have found usefull... or just tips to help us all out... but check it out and post a comment to let me know if you found it helpfull or if I am just so new to this that it's basic information lol

  Smile

www.jkelman.com/publish/ ]]> 160074 2008-10-06 21:28:39 waking up my body hurts I am still bruised and sore from the wreck, my mouth is dry and I feel like I have been eating sand. The pillow… her pillow… lies crumpled next to me, my security throughout the night.

  I move stiffly to the bath room as I flip on the light it stings my eyes I instantly recoil backing into the door with my the heal of my foot.

  Seconds pass by, now adjusted, I look to the sink where the medication is, I grab the glass and put water in it as I snap open a bottle and grab two pills. Not even remotely aware of the disaster around me that was once as clean as an operating room. Dirty clothes and used bandages are strewn about the room. Towels on the floor hiding expensive Italian tiles, that were bought last summer. That summer I promised to only bring her back here after we were married.

  The pills go down hard, fighting it seems the whole way until the water forces them down my dry throat. “this is my life”, I say out loud to myself, not even sure if I recognize my own voice. I look into the mirror and I hate what I see, I see the man that killed his wife. His new blushing bride dead because he could not control the car. “You’re a jackass, a piece of shit, filthy, good for nothing jackass!” I say to the mirror half expecting for the man looking back at me to punch me in the face.

  I flip the light off and stumble back into a room where what seems to be mid day light is trying to peek from behind a blanket. Blankets are covering all the windows in this room to help block the light. Lightning shoots through my body as I stub my toe on the corner of the bed, falling to my knees I grab my foot and shout curses at any god that will listen. I reach over feeling around on the floor and grab a hold of something, as soon as my fingers touch it I throw it. The shoe streaks across the darkened room to only hit the wall close to the window, which hits just hard enough to shake loose the blanket covering it. Light screams into the room like an upset child who has been forced to stay outside to long, momentarily blinding me in the process.

  Sitting here on the floor waiting for the pills to kick in, I look to the window and I realize at this moment I care nothing for the world outside of my window. Everything I wanted, everything I needed, has left me empty, cold, and alone.


   **not as good as the last one... I kinda have a few distractions going on at that moment... it will have to do...**
]]> 160045 2008-10-06 19:54:52  If god could have turned me into a woman tonight just for 10 min. I would have slapped the shit out of this stuck up prissy little bitch tonight. I am sorry ahead of time for all lf the people I am about to shock and or offend... but I was tired I did not want to go to the Gym but I forced myself... I signed up for the spin class and I go the last spot in the class... I am thinking it must be fate... the fate to get rid of the fat... I even chuckled to myself with that thought.

 then this girl come running up to the counter to sign up and the guys says sorry he got the last spot... not before I go any further, do any of you think had she asked me nicly for my spot in the class... had she told me how important it was in her pathetic little life... do you think being who I am I would not have just smiled at her and told her to go ahead?? dam right I would have...

  she walks right up to me... raises her eyebrow and put her hand on her hip, "you are taking the spin class?" she asks in a sarcastic tone... "yeah, I had planed on it"... get this...she look me right in the eye and says, "look at you... why even bother, your going to take a class for two weeks tops and then quit when I on the other hand have made it my life to stay in shape. You might as well give up while you are ahead and just let me have you spot." and she was doing the little head moving thing like she had hiinges in her neck. I was so pissed I could not speak for a min... I just looked at her, then she spoke up again, "so how about it bub are you going to give me your spot?" oh that FKN did it...had I been a woman I would have kicked the crap out of her... I know my face was red but I just smiled..."Actaully I think what you need more than this class is to take the seat off of one of those bikes over there and ride it for an hour, maybe that will change your whole attitude." and I walked away... maybe not the best come back... but I was in a public place and I was pissed...

  anyway I just had to get all that out before I got in the shower.... so yeah i took my class and it felt great... as I hum the tune in the old Rudolf the red nose reindeer show.... Put one foot in front of the other... and soon you'll be walking out the door oor oor..... ]]> 159941 2008-10-06 13:50:02   I was talking with someone today... nothing to deep on my part but letting them get a few things off their chest as I got to know them a little better. I am amaized at the people we have on here... that we see everyday and we know so little about... but that is not the reason for this blog...

  I have been thinking.... yeah ok stop rolling your eyes... you clicked it so read it... that love is one of our most basic ferral (sp?) of feelings... it wild yet tame, it can not be measured not held in your hand... So when I was describing love I thought of a new way (at least to me) of getting my point across... has anyone ever tried to catch a wild animal? and no guys "with a gun" does not count. Be it a duck or a cat... just some strange animal that is new to you?? Maybe love is like that animal, love does not know you, it is not sure it wants to live with you... it can see you chasing it, it can even see you desire to have it.... but it does not know you so it runs and it hids... go out and try to catch a wild kitten and see what happends if you actually get your hands on it.

 But what if we sit... calmly... patiently... with tenderness... and compassion.... maybe love will come to us. Just like that duck or that kitten. Feed it enough but keep your distance... be patient enough and it may just approach you....

  this who blog does not mean much and it may not apply to anyone... it was just a different way to look at it... I thought is was a neat idea... so I decide to put finger to keyboard... ]]> 159586 2008-10-05 17:59:30  Do you ever write anything and wonder if people are really reading it how you wrote it? Or how you hear it in your head?

 Here is my question.... say I wanted to go back and put a couple of my poems/stories on an audio file and up load them to thoughts? So that my friends could hear the piece exactly how I ment it to sound... they could close their eyes and lysten to it or ever read along with it... how would I go about doing such a thing?

  thank you for your help.... ]]> 159504 2008-10-05 13:07:19 ***WARNING***
Contains adult material...
This is not PG not PG 13... Might not even be considered "R" rated... do not read this if your just going to complain that this stuff does not belong on here... My thoughts... My blog... no one is forcing you to read this.... For those of you that continue... enjoy *Evil Grin*


The time has come and none to soon,
just the sight of you and I start to swoon.

Your body is delicate, soft, and warm, begging to be touched,
My body will answer, with fingers, tongue, lips and such.

Tonight you are my goddess, bringing me heaven on earth,
The pleasure I will bring you, will be just like a re-birth.

A re-birth of passion that it seems the world has lost,
I will bring it out in you regardless of the cost.

A price I will pay expending my body and soul,
I give it freely to you, not just a part, but in whole.

Lying there naked sweat glisting off of your skin,
I kiss, I nibble, I play, then I do it all again.

Your nipples are erect begging for attention,
I decide to spend some time there to relieve the tension.

But the arch of your back and your deep low moans,
Leave me to want to explore your other sensual zones.

Climbing on top of you kissing your chest,
I trace my tongue to you neck as it leaves your breast.

Holding you down teasing you to build up your fire,
I whisper in your ear, "what is it you desire?"

I place my mouth on yours not letting you speak,
I know what I want next and its to make you squeak.

Moving from your lips, to nibble your ear,
I feel you position yourself, your ready for entry, right now… right hear.

But no not yet, the games have just begun,
I am not ready yet I need to have some more fun.

I start to go back to your chest and I feel your tension,
You are ready NOW your not looking for an extension.

An extension of foreplay and other delights,
Your ready to begin to take this to new heights.

I will not be deterred I am on a mission,
You try to fight it but I lick you into sub-mission.

I bury my tongue and its eager to please,
My rapid movement makes you weak in the knees.

My hand cups your buttocks to give me more control,
As my lips and my tongue continue to stroll.

All the anger and the tension quickly melts away,
As I feel you nails in the back of my head forcing it to stay.

To stay as I hit that spot and show you new sights,
you convulse, you shutter, you pulse as your passion ignites.

With my emotions in a frenzy from watching your desire,
I think now is the time to take this a bit higher......


I think I will stop here this is long enough lol I have not written anything like this in a while and my last story was a bit of a tease.... maybe I will add more to this later.

]]> 159226 2008-10-04 17:59:02 In the candle lit room the scent of lavender was over powering. I am lying in a bed trying to peer through the mosquito netting to see if she is coming. To catch just a glimpse of her milky white body as she glides across the room to me, but she still keeps me waiting, and I see nothing.

The room is filled with candles and smell of the fresh lavender was almost more than a man could handle. But mixed with the smell of the salty air, brought in by the breeze that has ridden the waves over hundreds of miles of lonely sea, it was magnificent. There was a time when I thought I would never find love, but in a way I was right, for I never found love it had found me. She is perfection brought to me on the wings of an angle, a gift from the heavens that I cherish with all my heart.

The breeze stirs and I hear movement coming from the dark unlit doorway, then I see her shape, each time I see her, it is like seeing her for the first time. A calm enters my body stopping my heart… slowing my breathing… as if time its’ self just slowed to a crawl.

As she approaches the bed where I am as still as a humble cleric awaiting a sign from their god. I can see her silhouette as it comes closer, her curves are enticing and I feel a fire building in my loins. My urges are getting harder to hold back… I can smell her now… that scent that is hers and hers only… a mix of lavender and of rose petals. She opens the net curtain and with a smile asks, “Are you still awake? Have you fallen asleep waiting for your mistress?” I answer, “Never! Not in a thousand years would I shut these eyes if I knew that I would be able to but catch one glance of your beauty.” With those words from my lips I start to sit up and she places her hand on my chest to stop me… “Please stay… do not get up for me… I am coming here to be with you…” I did not under stand he words sounded strange to me… the feelings I was having the warmth… the heat… the burning… all turning to ice…. I felt afraid… I do not understand.

I look to here eyes to try to find that warmth, and I see blackness… I see…. DEATH.

Then as I remember a loud crash and a grinding of metal, I jump out of the bed…. I am looking around and it is dark… I am soaked with sweat. What was that noise? Where am I? Where is…. Like a vice constricting all around my chest the images come flooding back to me… the weekend in Italy…. The old stone castle… the accident…. Watching her die in my arms… Why? Why haunt me so… with eyes red from tears and bags black from lack of sleep I scream… “WHY DID YOU TAKE HER?”

I grab the pillow, her pillow, and burry my face in it… and right as I drift off to sleep I can once again smell the lavender oil she used in her hair and the scent of lavender was overpowering.
]]> 158379 2008-10-02 12:30:28   I have had an ungodly amount of requests for either what is a pumpkin log... or what is the recipe.... so my friends here you go...

  this is not a family secrete but it is a sort of tradition... my grandmother found it on the inside of a label when her and my grandfather were married well before I was born... it's awesome!! I think you can find it on a libby's pumkin can as well...

  Pumpkin Roll.... YUM!!

Delicious and easy to make.

Prep: 45 min - Cook: 15 min - Cool: 60 min

CAKE:
1/4 cup powdered sugar (to sprinkle on towel)
3/4 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
1/4 teaspoon salt
3 large eggs
1 cup granulated sugar
2/3 cup 100% Pure Pumpkin in a can... (note that a 14-15oz can will make 2 pumpkin logs.. so maybe double up everything else and make two at once... that is what I do)
1 cup walnuts (optional), chopped

FILLING:
1 pkg. (8 oz.) cream cheese, softened
1 cup powdered sugar, sifted
6 tablespoons butter or margarine, softened
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/4 cup powdered sugar (optional)


FOR CAKE:
PREHEAT oven to 375°F. Grease 15 x 10-inch jelly-roll pan; line with wax paper. Grease and flour paper. Sprinkle a thin, cotton kitchen towel with powdered sugar.

COMBINE flour, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, cloves and salt in small bowl. Beat eggs and sugar in large mixer bowl until thick. Beat in pumpkin. Stir in flour mixture. Spread evenly into prepared pan. Sprinkle with nuts.

BAKE for 13 to 15 minutes or until top of cake springs back when touched. Immediately loosen and turn cake onto prepared towel. Carefully peel off paper. Roll up cake and towel together, starting with narrow end. Cool on wire rack.

FOR FILLING:
BEAT cream cheese, powdered sugar, butter and vanilla extract in small mixer bowl until smooth. Carefully unroll cake; remove towel. Spread cream cheese mixture over cake. Reroll cake. Wrap in plastic wrap and refrigerate at least one hour. Sprinkle with powdered sugar before serving, if desired.

Makes 10 servings

Note: Be sure to put enough powdered sugar on the towel when rolling up the cake so it will not stick.



   ok learn from me... if you do not have any smooth cheese cloth type towels... get some... do not use just a regulat ol towel because you will never get it off and it you do it will have fuzz balls in it lol
]]> 158304 2008-10-02 09:01:57 oh man this is a great song... and I think of thoughts each time I hear it lol go to my page and lysten to it on that player I think it is the third song... and here are the lyrics to go with it... I think it basically desribes all of us lol just the kinda up beat song i needed to hear today....

  I am sick
I'm annoyed
You know I'm nasty
And I'm incomplete
I am angry
I am lost
Yeah I'm heard as stone
I am sober
I am worried and I'm disgusted
I am lonely I am scared
And It's crushing me

[Bridge]
You say "what is worry?"
(What is worry?)
Yeah you say who Belong Belong Belong Belongs
Well you say "If it matters."
(If it matters)
Well tell me I'm not dead
Cause I'm goin' crazy

I'm a mess such a mess
I'm a coward and a hypocritical sinner
like a bitchin' politician
But my aim is true
I am tense and intentional
I'm passionate to a fault
I am open I'm a work in progress

Well tell me that I'm worthy
(Worthy)
Oh tell me I belong belong belong belong
Tell me that I matter
(Matter)
Well tell me I'm not dead
Because I'm goin' crazy

Well I'm hung up on the past
Finished up a nice idealistic
In case you missed it later
A self mutilator
Killin' time procrastinator
Well I worry about my health
Trippin' on myself Idealistic
In case you missed it

[Bridge]

Well I'm a wreck
Such a wreck
And I'm a martyr and a perpetual loser
Not a Sigfried Oprah Winfrey
But I do mean well
And I am tense and intentional
I am passionate to a fault
And I am open
I'm a work in progress



    This one is for you thoughts..... ]]> 158299 2008-10-02 08:50:51   So last night after a bad night at the gym... I was scared I was getting ready to fall into another just crappy night. The darkness was there my mood was grim and even my poor dog knew soemthing was up. I can tell what mood I am really in by how he reacts to me... if he is all crazzy happy to see me I know I must not be so bad off that day... If he is droopy and mopeing I know he is a reflection of my mood. I came home and he did not go nuts.... he just nudged my hand and I scratched his head. I sat down to take off my shoes and he put his head in my lap and just whimpered.... I felt bad lol kinda like I was letting my dog down lol how sad is that lol.

 So I jumped up and looked at him he cocked his head to the side like he was trying to figure out if I snaped.... I told em to go get the frisby... boy it was like someone over charged his batteries lol he shot through the house to find it lol and then was at the door in an instant...

 I stayed out side for about 45 min... I did not answer my phone I just enjoyed the weather and messing with the dog. And thinking... and the a Sister Hazel song came to mind and had me smiling... I think I posted it once... but the line that I got stuck in my head was:
 
 "....If you've had enough
Of all your tryin'
Just give up
The state of mind you're in

Chorus:
If you want to be somebody else,
If you're tired of fighting battles with yourself
If you want to be somebody else
Change your mind... "

  So yeah this is what was in my head... and basically I just decided that being down and agravaited was not worth it.. I started think of all the corney things I tend to tell everyone else... life is 10% of what happends and 90% of how you deal with it... blah blah... And I wanted to make a change...

 Reguardless of what this girl decides she wants to do lol I'm not going to worry over it... Reguardless of what kind work I get stacked on me at work I am not going to worry I know they wanted to keep me bad enough to give me a hell of a raise and support me when I went to war with "The Man" lol So I will go at my own pace... I will do my thing and just make sure it is right... And I will keep my chin up...

  So I went inside with a complete attitude change... I throw on some music and deicded to make something I have not made in a long time... yum yum  Pumpkin logs... oh man they are good. So I made 2 of those half for me and one and a half for people at work... I even this morning wrapped a piece up and sent it to the other plant for a certin someone... I want to see what kind of reaction I get from that...

  Well I hope you guys have a good day... mine will be stress full... but I hope to keep my momentum going and stay positive!!
]]> 157725 2008-09-30 23:35:26   The ugly me... the part of me I fight to keep in... the part of me that has only seen the light of day 4 times in my life... The part of me that laughs when I can not sleep at night sometimes. The part of me that says you will never be good enough, so stop trying.

  I was 16 years old when I met this girl... she was a sweatheart. We met at a park through mutual friends. Nothing ever happend between us we allway both seemed to have bad timing and we would laugh about it... when she was single I was dating someone and when I was single she was dating someone... you know how it is being that young... one min your in love the next week it's someone new. We were as close friends as two people could get... then one day at 3 am I get a call... "Doug? I need you... Please come over... I need you here." I did not even ask why I just left. when I arived I saw a police car at her house, I went right in, her parents and I were close as well, they called me their long lost son. We had been friends well over a year now and they were so used to seing us together when I showed up they were not suprised at all.... I was scared I did not know what was going on... Where is she I asked her dad? She is up stairs he dad answered. what happend? I asked? my heart was racing and I was getting sick to my stomac... the car was not wrecked i noticed.... what could be wrong... his words froze my heart... my soul... i swear time stoped... " she was raped" I ran up the stairs blew past some woman who may have been en emt or something but I did not see an Ambulance. I opened the door without even knocking... I quickly went to her bed side where she was in tears is her moms arms. I walked over and wraped my arms around them both and just stayed there... I did not say I word... I could not speak... I could not see... if I open my eyes I would never stop the tears, my heart was truely borken for her. But something else was there... deep but ready... burning my belly.... I was getting angry.

  I stayed there on the floor next to her bed that night and the next 2 nights... I did not ask any questions... I lystened when she wanted to talk and I help her when she wanted to cry.

 Basically she went to a frat party... knowing she should not be there. She had to much to drink and some guy she did not know but was dancing with talked her into going up stairs... when she wanted to leave he told her no... would not let her out of the room... and her raped her. She did not know his name.. and because of how much she drank she did not know if she could even recognize him.

  It took months to get her to even go back to school... and even then she would not look up from the floor... i stood by her, I would not let her down. then after about 6 months I talk her into going to a party with me... to get out.. to prove to the world she is not scared and to help her get over the fear... I know she would never forget and it would scare her forever... but I wanted her to take her life back. she agrees after me begging.... so what happends? we walk through the door and say hi to a few people and she freezes... face turns white. I ask her if she is ok... is it to much? do you need some air? she said it was him... and nodded to a guy standing by the stairs. I aksed her if she was sure and she said yes... I should have takken her and called the cops... but my stupidity took over... my selfishness took over. I asked her to stay at the party... prove to him that he did not hurt you... don't worry about him I would take care of it if he said a word to you... I had other plans though. So what happends?? I go to the kitchen and get us both a drink and this prick comes into the kitchen and smiles at me... I allmost lost it. He said ,"Hey?... you come in with that chik?" I said, " yeah why?"
 He just laughed... and winked at me the arrogent prick... "If she decides she dont want some... just give her enough to drink and you can get what ever you want, and she wont even remember who you are...." he laughed as he said this. I felt like throwing up, I was fighting my composier, trying to keep my hands from shaking... so I smiled an evil smile, " Dam really man? she wont even tell on me?? you got to tell me how that went down, but first I got to piss. where is the pisser?" I knew where it was... I was just praying he would show me. And I think his guardian angel was asleep... "its right up stairs I'll show you...." So I followed him up stairs and as we rounded the corner I stoped. He was still walking but kinda stoped when I did not follow him down the hall.

  He turns and looks at me and get a real confused look on his face... he must have seen something in my expression that scared him I am not sure. but I was about to let it all go... I was going to release everything I had been holding back... he would never hurt anyone again. He puts his hand in his pocket and askes me, " you ok there buddy?" "Oh I am fine... but that girl? she is not. You got one chance to go down stair and tell everyone what you did or you will have to be carried out of this house."  I was hoping he would do something stupid so I could kick his ass and hurt him real bad... but what he did I did not expect... He pulls his hand out of his pocket and has this pocket knife... I start laughing so hard... no little knife was going to stop me... hell I was goingto feed it to him.... then he charged me. Stupid stupid stupid... had his arm in front of him with the knife. I grabed his wrist... locked his elbow and had planed on slamming him again the wall behind me using his own motion and force. But there was a big old window there... and he went through the window... I was in shock... I was mad... I was pissed... this cant be it... how can he take this from me... I need to get this out I need to hurt him for her... I ran down the stairs I ran out side and I started kicking him and I kept kicking him and then people came out... a few guy I knew grabed me and drug me off of him and forced me in the house.

  The look in her eyes hurt worse then the night I found out she was raped... she looked scared of me. The police came I was arested and he was taken to a hospital. I will just say this I was still a minor and he was an adult, who raped a minor and attacked another with a knife... there were things said at trial that I am not sure about them being truthful but I got probation... and he will never walk again. He will be in a wheel chair for the rest of his life.

 This is not the man you guys have come to know over the last year or so... alot has changed me in my life... I live with this... the fact I lost control... I made her pain mine and i had no right... We are still friends... I talk to her about once a year. She is married and has 2 kids to a great guy.

 but there ya go... the ugly side of me... there will be more... but this is enough for tonight. ]]> 157709 2008-09-30 22:40:08   Why is everything worse at night?
  
  Why do we sometimes sit and feel sorry for ourselves knowing that we have a life so much better than so many other people?

  Why can we not find happieness in out jobs when they are good jobs?

  Why can we not find happieness in our homes when they are good homes?

  Why do we allways want more?

  Why can we be what we want our selves to be? I mean we think about it... we day dream about it... we just don't seem to do it?

  Why do we feel like we need someone else to complete us?

  Why do we feel so alone in a world full of people?

  Why do we sit and write a bunch of questions the really do not mean anything to the world?

   Why?

  Why am I who I am?

  Why did the things that have happened have to be to me?

  Why could I not be a better person?

   Why?

 I guess I have said enough... I am just in a dark mood I guess... sorry

  ]]> 157554 2008-09-30 14:52:48   Well work was work yesterday I had alot going on and we were negotiating a large purchase of some new equipment. So yesterday was a bit stressfull... now I have expectations of being a cost saver to live up to. But I was able to get a piece of equipment that is listed at 118k for 75k and that is with delivery and set up and 2 year sevice... so not to bad I don't guess. I only had to promise them a chance to bid on any other major equipment purchaes we make for the next year. Which is a good thing for me... the more options I have the better I am. So it was a win win for me.

  I head home and think of what all I need to do this week... I wanted to take down a few trees and cord up some wood so that when the weather gets cool I can start sitting outside by the fire again... that is one of my favorite ways to relax. I have a few trees allready down from a few of the storms so I will work on those first. But then I rememberd I was suppose to get a phone call that night.... uhhgg. I was not looking forward to that, I guess it was a bad sign to be dreading hearing from her. 

  So I get home I let out the dog and I change clothes and grab my old work boots. I track down my gloves and find my chain saw, I know she wont get off for at least on hour so I will get some work done before I have to keep an ear our for the phone.

  I actually got alot done... I finished one tree and started on the second. When I decided I did not have to get it all in one day and I was starving... so I go inside give the dog fresh water and I hit the shower... I made a great little dinner... red skin potatoes, sweat peas and carrots, and a sirlion. I have some of those Hawian sweat rolls to they are great. Right as I finished up and fed my fish.... the phone rings... I dreaded it lol allmost like a tele-marketer haha....

  It was her and sence I see this blog is going to be long as it is I will shorten this lol.... She appologized for being a bitch right off the bat... those are her words not mine. Said she had had a hellish day and looked to the date as a way to make up for it... and then when everything atarted going down hill there she just wanted to give up. that it was not me nor the sax player... just she was really having a rough day. (on a side not I found out she was ummmm yeah having a visit from her aunt flo and that contributed to it.) So me being the stupid softy I am told her it was not big deal I just chalked it up to it not going as planned and it was ok. She asked me if we could try again?? I was like well.... and I was searching for an excuse not to.... but I went blank... man why am I dumb. I think she caught my hesitation, and she was like look the first weekend I was uncomfotable the whole time... I did not know you and I did not know what you were expecting and we did so much stuff that we did not have alot of time to really talk to each other... I was like yea your right... then she was like, and the second time we got together was a mess... I had not planned on having you find out about my family untill later and things just went south because you tried to be a good guy. Which is fine just not what I expected. And this last time my ex started a bunch of stuff and I allmost canceled but I though how nice it would be to go out and not haveto think about anything and then it seemed everything you tried to do or had planned was falling through and at that point I was just ready to go home... not because of you just to be done with the whole stupid day. I am normally not mean or snippy but when i am having a bad day sometimes I just get like that...... and she kinda let it die off there. Well I felt as long as we are bing honest this is my chance.

 I told her that I liked her the most the first time I met her at work and talked to her on the phone. That on our trip she seemed real stand offish untill she loosed up and started having a little fun tword the end. Then our second "date" was one shock after another and it just seemed like I was missing something big there you were not telling me and I was not seeing. And last weekend I planed specifically so that we could spend some time in a relaxed enviornment to just talk goof off and get to know each other.... to have it blow up in my face at every turn realy frusterated me... but then to have you cut at me the way you did really turned me off. At that point I was just being polite untill it was over. Then the whole sax player thing really kinda put it over the top. The fact you did not want to walk in the gardens bothered me at first then I was kinda like you... just ready for the day to end.

  The phone was quiet... man I felt like shit for saying all that...wanted to take it all back... it just kinda was a now or never kinda thing and if ever there was a test this was it.  I spoke first... I told her I did not say those things to hurt her feelings.. but it is important for me that people are honest with each other... and holding things in can be just as bad as lieing to someone. She said she agreed. She told me that she did not want to go to the gardens mainly because of her mood, but she could not just come right out and say look I am feeling pissy so i don't want to go... had it been any other time she would hve went with me in a heart beat... that sounded kinda suspect to me but yeah ok. Now I am feeling like I may have shown to many cards. She told me we should go out again and just start over. All our eggs in one basket if it works it works... if it don't then we will have a hell of a story to tell.... (I chuckled at that lol little does she know) I told her that would be fine. But I am working 7 days this week and I have a B-day party to go to Sat Night So I am not sure when the best time would be. She told me she has a few things on her plate to but she would call me later this week and we would figure something out. I told her that sounded good.
And that was pretty much it.

  But then about 9:45pm I got a text... "Sleep well" That was it... from her of course. Just kinda threw me off. It was sweat... I just don't know what to think about Dr. Jeckle and Mrs. Hide.....

  ]]> 157089 2008-09-29 14:28:30 i have been slammed at work so this will be short... I have gotten a few emails about this and I did not want to say anything untill it was finished.

 I have accepted the 15% increase in pay and what I will say are undisclosed bonuses. But I will say is they will if this works properly exceed the actual pay increase.

  So for now I am to stay in NC and my only stipulation was a 1 year contract before I will accept or consider any other offers. Which is funny because I have ever only gotten this one offer and that was from a friend. So that was not hard to deal with. And I am salary exempt or something like that... so now if something happends and I leave early and I only work 35 hours... I still get paid for 40... but if I work 65 hours... I get my salary plus the hourly time and a half for anything over 40.... so not a bad deal... But yeah that was a bright spot in my day.

  Smile.... just because someone has to  ]]> 157007 2008-09-29 10:46:00  sorry I took so long to post this I just had other things going on...
 
 I am going to try and make this as short as I can... The coffee was great and we talked about 15-20 before deciding to head over to the accidental artist... their oven/kiln thing was broken... so you could buy pre done stuff but you could not do any of your own... ouch... I told her that was ok I had another plan as well she smiled at that and we headed a few doors down to the fudge depot... closed on vacation.... ahhhh man WTF so then she looks at me and said something like, "Nice way to plan the date...." then rolls her eyes... I could not tell if it was a joke ot she was serious... I just smile and laugh it off I tell her I had not even considered it might not be open but we are down town and it is a beautiful day... let walk around a bit an look at a few shops... I thought we could head over to the gardens and get a few pictures I need to send them to someone. She said that going for a walk sounds nice but she would pass on the gardens... the palace did not interest her much... humm ok I have struck out three times on what I thought was an inventive well planned date... all I need now if for it to rain and I will say fuck it i am going home.
  I told her that was fine I would just get them when we are done, (at least now I had an out when I was ready to take it) and we proceeded to walk around a bit. She seemed to know alot about the shop owners and such I guess her dad is on some committe and all the biz owners have dinners and get togethers. We stop at this street vendor and get an elephant ear and sit on a bench next to this historic church... there happened to be a sax player on the corner there is a nice breeze I thought ok this is turning around... we talk a little just small talk mostly, a little about work.. a bit about a bridge that is getting redone here in town. I get up to throw the plate away and I drop some money in the sax players case he was really good. And we start walking again, she asks me why I dropped money in his case... I told her cause I enjoyed lystening to him play... I was a bit caught off guard by the questions I thought she was feeling me out. Then what she said blew me away... "Ya know by doing that you just invite more beggers like him to be out here. If he does well he will come back and others will join him. The people that own these shops here need the money too, and don't like it when people are pan handling." I was like wow... I explained to her, "that I did not consider that pan handling... and it adds charature to the city. I enjoyed having him there and I have never really seen panhandlers in the area here. Sometimes you see them sitting with their signs on the side of the road." her reply was, "It's only a matter of time." I was dumbfounded... I mean i see her point in an odd and obscure way.. but umm come on... give me a break. So we walk a bit more, and I see the galery has an exhibit I ask he if she likes art and would like to check it out... she shrugged and said sure. So we go in and its beautiful... it was not one person but an assortment... some glass work and oils, something odd done with food that I did not quite get... lol I guess it was the dumb football player comming out in me. We walk around there a bit spend about an hour or so there... I ask her if she would like to get something to eat and she declined but said if I was hungry we could get something. I told her I was fine I just kinda wanted to make sure she was cool. We had a bit of small talk and walked a bit more down town. I notied it was 4 and the gardens closed at 5. I told her I should really go to the gardens and get those pictures. She asked me who they were for exactly, I told her for my grandmother. She said that was nice of me. I asked her If she was sure I could not talk her into going? it was nice out and I would enjoy the company (I was being polite, but not begging so you do not get the wrong Idea... actually hopping she would say no.) she declined and said she had some shopping to do and she would call me sometime monday night. I told that would be fine and I look forward to talking to her then. I walked her to her car and gave her a hug that from her end was a quick one handed deals and spun around so fast to get in her car as quick kiss was out of the question lol. So I stood there and watcher he go on her way and I headed to the gardens... which made the rest of the day all better...
 after which I hid a few antique stores, stoped at the store got some beer and headed home... where the family mess started up.... that's a whole different story.

  so to sum it up, I may go out with her again if she brings it up... but I doubt I will ask her out again. Just something below the serface I can not put my hand on... and she is not turning out to be the person I thought she was.... or wanted to be. ]]>