That’s right I am talking to all of you literate beasts out there that just happen to enjoy sponging off humanity. Worthless little rat bastards, who sleep all day get fed regularly, can procreate wherever and with whatever you wish (including shoes, legs, one another, towels, old soup bones, cats etc etc) and defecate on property without one single faux-paw of any kind concerned by canine social graces.


I am tired of seeing you and your equally decorated species reduced to modern bumper art at the whim of heavy traffic.  A festival of gore splattered on our city sidewalks, our streets are littered with your blood in patterns only Pollack would be proud of.

I am saddened by the freedom we have allowed you to partake of in such a dangerous jungle as the jungle of men. This jungle is far bitterer than the simple predator prey mentality you may grasp in your oh so educated minds. This jungle does horrendous injustices to ourselves, and far worse to those critters that call it home as well. If you do not believe me, count the number of suicidal squirrels (you know, street pancakes) that you can see on an average week in spring. If these wild beasts, with all their great natural instincts, succumb to our machines… what chance does an educated beast have when they are simply deprived of those same natural instincts?


I speak to you oh Dog, puppy in many forms. Great hunter, mighty protector. If you were but to keep a leash upon your manservant, I could promise a much higher lifespan in the wake of such evils as we hold most dear. Those boxes that go to and fro. Those ruffians who smell of danger and fear. The two legers with the nets and the loops, those strangers who offer food that makes your stomach hurt. The kind ones, the little ones… among all of these only your manservant should you trust, and even then it pays to be wise and educate your manservant into proper care of you.


So by all means leash that human up… Yes I know he likes to have his freedom as much as you do, it is truly for his own good, after all as protector and friend of your manservant isn’t it your duty to warn him of danger as much as it is his duty to do likewise for you? With a leash attached to your human you can warn him of dangers that you perceive far quicker by tugging and barking to draw his attention towards your desires. In like manner when dangers arise that you are unfamiliar with he can guide you, as is intended with a gentle reminder.


My illustrious Wolves in domesticated form, when you read these lines I hope you remember the contract, that which was formed ever so long ago between your kind and our own. You know our bond and our duty one to another so please please please… Leash your human.


In conclusion: To the owners of animals who forget their duty and responsibility to your canine wards I just want to say… Put a leash on your fucking dogs.