Speed- making all scenery a blur....., full of so much emotion.
The winding road led me to a tiny church, with a huge bell, sitting right at the edge of the ocean.
It was deserted, but the back door was left open, just for me.
I went there to cry, and to forget you.
To forever erase your memory from mine.
The best sermon I heard in my life, came from my own mouth, in the pulpit of that quaint mystical place.
My voice echoed from the high vaulted ceiling above me.
The encore came as I stood in front of the majestic doors, and breathed in the ocean.
Felt as if I was breathing in life itself.
I played there in that tiny church,....
played the piano
sang
lit several candles
read deep scriptures from the "fancy holy book"....in a distinguished strong voice...
Pulled a few pious faces....
Even put on a priestly robe from the closet.
Anger consumed me in that place with delicate stained glass windows....
Tears ....cleansing tears were shed in sanctuary.
Alone, secluded, in such a seemingly holy place.....
"Sneaking into buildings used to be a favorite thing to do as a 10, 11, and 12 year old.
Never to vandalize, only to explore....there always seems to be a door left unlocked, if you look for it."
First and only time as an adult, to attempt my sneaky ways.
Then....night falls,...I sit in a lonely pew...seeking an invisible God.
I half hoped he was hiding in that lil' haunted church....
A thought imprinted itself in my mind like a tattoo....
"You are the Church"
My bell rings constantly in this church- that I found within myself- that day.
ding ding...(grin)
Sitting on that pew, I was dealing with accepting, that everyone I had ever loved, had hurt me.
To cry pitiful tears....
River of Tears overtook me...mmm.
Life is really more than who we are....and how we feel.
I learned to stop being a soft hearted baby that day.
Feeling sorry for myself never changed anything.
It only left me wasted - drowning in empty days.
Days that I emptied myself....
Void of Life....
Self pity...
Wasting away on better things lately.
Leaving my "fantasy priesthood" in that tiny church....driving away was a hard thing to do.
I turned around more than once.
It was like being drug into the house by mother as a child, kicking and screaming, wanting so badly to stay out and play....
I took something with me though....
a secret place....with stained glass windows
A place where secrets to life lay hidden, and we find jewels of wisdom if we seek them.
I found that life is not all about me.
not about me?
A day to memorialize in my memory...the day that I learned....
Life is not all about me, and being self-centered has made me miss out on the real experience of life.
A new level of emotional freedom.
To discover, that I was not created to live alone and isolated, with 'feel sorry for me' thoughts.
Out of fear of being hurt, we retreat into self.
Not letting ourselves care about anyone, so we never have to be vulnerable.
Vulnerable looks like the word pain to me.
I once thought it better- to never have loved at all...than to have lost a love.
What a lie...even the painful memories of the ones I have loved, are better than no memories at all.
I seem to recall only the good memories anyway.
To live all of life as it is sacred.
Not just sacred in our church buildings and ceremonies.
No...like breathing that ocean air in while standing in the arch of that doorway....
The air I took into my lungs was sacred....
The scene of the ocean flooding toward me, was holy scenery.
Singing that song in that echoing church, had nothing to do with religion, yet it was holy.
Holy
Holy means- sacred, awe inspiring, deserves respect, spiritually pure.
A kind word is holy.
Making love is holy.
Sharing a smile is holy.
Watching children play is holy.
Picking wild flowers is holy.
The lesson in the Lil' Church on the Ocean....?
All of Life is Sacred
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