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| every occassion i'm waiting for the funeral
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a little different for me.
i've noticed that lately whenever i become truely happy, i become scared, waiting for it all to come crashing down. i never let myself be fully happy, ungaurded, belly up. i'm broken in ways that i'm starting to now realize. i feel guilt for my happiness knowing others can not feel. i'm too scared to let myself enjoy much of anything, it's going to burn... it always does.. it's just a matter of when.
we discussed it tonight, my "quirks" my counting, my rituals.. my inablitly to say goodbye... the funny looks i get when i say goodnight mid-morn. so-long, nanight, catch-ya-laters. never goodbye. never. too concrete. i need to repeat things isay in a manner that is pleasing to my rambling mind. i could sit for hours planning my words so god won't come crashing down on me... be careful what you wish for. and after moving, my rutine a muck, i'm spun, totally lost, totally freaked that i will do something wrong. i know where it comes from.. some things i won't mention.. but others like loosing my grandmother.. i said before "if you tell me this tiny teacup doesn't hold my fate.. i wont belive you. she gave me a miniture china set.. it sat in my car.. i refused to move it.. it was there as she clung to life... it was the reason she did.. crazy i know.. i knew... but i couldnt move it.. i couldn't bare.. it was there and she lived... and when i brought it home..........................
i'm supersticious.. maybe o.c.d. .... maybe paranoid... these things keep me from sleep...
there is a song.. the funeral by "band of horses" that struck me yesterday... it's how i feel. just waiting fearfully, and even scarier.. i feel like i never will live.
ramble on..........
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Posted by Diaphonous_Me on 2007-12-30 23:56:44 | Rating: | Views: 53
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i don't think you have OCD, i think you have an overly sensative mind and heart, you worry to much about losing and somethimes forget to enjoy what you have without feeling bad about it, there is nothing wrong in being happy, even if it is only for a minute everyday, don't be to hard on yourself, you are a wonderful and creative woman, no one will hurt if you focus on your own self for a while, it does actually sound slightly like you have small panic attacks though, i get them occasionally, one tiny thing makes it feel like the world will fall in, and from what i know about you, some of your experiences in life make you unsure about your own security, which would bring on attacks of fear, leaving you unsure what you were worrying about in the first place
please take care of yourself, you are allowed to you know xx
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Posted by missmarie
on 2008-01-02 12:17:58
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thank you marie.. it's just hard i feel likemy actions will have a direct effect on the fate of others..that's a lot of weight to bare...
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Posted by Diaphonous_Me
on 2008-01-02 12:24:28
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i do understand that DM, but sometimes you must let your rational mind win an argument against the irrational, if you sit calmly and think about it rationally you can convince yourself that nothing bad will come from your actions, things happen purely because they do, if we had any kind of control over things then it would be life changing for everyone x take care x
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Posted by missmarie
on 2008-01-02 13:31:00
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