The funny thing about me is this:
Sometimes I know I need help, and there's no way I can do this on my own.
Then there's times like now:
When I actually feel really happy, really hopeful, and i see no reason for ever wanted to die.
These are the times when I love what I'm doing, no matter what I'm doing, and I love life.
These are the ups.
When I'm up, I only hate the downs.
When I'm down,
well..
I just hate everything.
These are the times, like right now, when I KNOW I'll be okay, and I have amazing friends,
and I don't have everything I want right now, but what I have is good enough.
These are the times when I smile, and laugh, and am just actually, truelly, happy.

But somewhere, in the back of my mind..
I'm thinking..
I'm, happy. Now.
What about later?

But then I don't care.
Because i love life, and i'm going to be alright after all, and I see everything in this different light.
Like,
I'm blessed to still be alive, and I've been given a second chance.
Not..
by God or anything.
But..
I gave myself a second chance
by going to the hospital instead of letting myself die.
So..
why would I want to fuck it up by letting myself be consumed by the downs?

The only scary part is..
I feel like this now,

but who knows about tomorrow, or the next day, or even the next hour?

These mood swings CAN"T just be being a teenager.
They're... way to extreme.
Extreme happiness.
Extreme depression.
or
rarely
Exreme blankness.

Almost no inbetween, gray areas.

the councillors at KHP believe i may be bipolar.

Right now though..
I can't identify with the person that wrote them those hopeless, depressed, posts.
That CAN'T have been me.
I didn't really think that...
Did I?

I'm just a normal, everyday girl.

I’ve only got forever and forever is fine


Sure
once in awhile
okay
alot
I want to get hit by a bus.

but
I'm just a normal girl.

no problems that need councilling.

This was no accident, this was a theraputic chain of events

Okay so..
I DO need councilling, 
I KNOW I do.
Because once I get back to being down, as much as I may fight it..
once I do..
I don't know..
but..
I know I need help NOT getting down.
And if they're right,
and I need medication to help that.


this just.. can't be real.
This CAN'T be happening to me.
It's to unreal.
Nothing like this happens to ME.
Only to other people, and no one I'm ever close to.

I'm so in denial here, it's insane...
I can't even describe how I feel about all this.
Because even I don't really know.

But I know this,
even if I don't believe it all the time..
I WILL be okay.
I am right now,
so that just proves it.