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| Blind Dating: Bad Idea |
Well, thoughts, it certainly has been a long time. I know no one really cared that I was gone. I'm not going to be one of those pretentious douche bags that leaves a site for awhile and comes back like everyone actually missed them when they were gone. Truth be told, I have just had a lot on my mind and plate while I was gone and I didn't wanna be bothered with trying to think of something neat to say to all of you. Yeah, sick burn right? However, I do have a story that might interest you all.
For the life of me I don't understand why people bother to set people up on blind dates anymore. It is pretty much established that one of the surest ways to ruin whatever pseudo-friendship you had with an individual is to set them up with someone they don't know that you think they have an off chance of getting along with. Let's face it, for every “we met on a blind date and then got married and now we live in a perfect relationship” story you hear there are a hundred more stories that are absolutely horrible. This is going to be one of those stories.
When I was still in the Army I got set up for my first ever blind date. The girl was the friend of one of the girls that my friend was dating so he, in an effort to get better head offered to set me up with her friend so she wouldn't have to feel badly about having to be away from her buddy for an extended length of time while she gobble down his man meat. Now my friend's woman promised me, swore up and down that she had a great personality she was so funny she was awesome to be around. All of those phrases are code words for “This girl is extremely ugly.” That's the warty it goes and I have no trouble reading between the lines. I knew what I was in for, or so i thought. it wouldn't have been the first time that i gave a dog a bone though so i promised that i was going to be respectable like and we agreed to meet up with them at this bar that i never drank at because it was filled with yuppie douches that honestly needed to be dragged out into the street and kicked in the face for being such mindless pains in the ass. Like if snobbery was a crime everyone in this place would be going in the house for 25 to life, no shit.
So we go to the bar and there are a fuckton of people there. A metric fuckton of bleached blond guys and Paris Hilton sunglasses sipping on appletinis and schnapps and me and my hillbilly friend who had to literally suppress the urge to vomit after walking into the place. Now the first rule of bars is that you do not for any reason bar smoking. Guess what this bar did? yeah, no fucking smoking. Why is it that people want to ban smoking from bars? it isn't like anyone is going there to get healthy or talk about jesus. Enough about that. Let's talk about the date.
My friend immediately points out his girl who I recognize from the week before when he picked her up. Sitting beside her is the girl that i guessed was going to be my date. Rule number two of bars is that you never gauge how someone looks based on distance in bar lighting. bars are intentionally kept dark so that drunk people can feel like they are really bagging a prize when they are really making out with a manatee. Now the girl was not a manatee. She looked more like Chewbacca.
i have never in my life seen anything like this girl before. She was bout seven feet tall and about three feet wide and absolutely fucking covered in hair. As we moved in i thought that it was the shadows playing off of her I noticed that it was wiry hair all over her body. it even stuck out in little points when she bent her elbows. Who the hell has hair on their elbows? I thought about running because I suddenly felt like I was in one of those When Animals Attack shows and waiting for the gorilla in the enclosure to jump on me and rape me.
We sit down at the table and I buy the first round. I bought a double shot of bourbon on the rocks, a beer chaser, and a jack and coke with a splash of lime for myself because I had a feeling that i was going to need it. My friend and his girl square off and start talking so I am left to introduce myself to the wildebeest in front of me.
“Hey my name's Johnny.” I checked to make sure I sounded sincere. Close enough.
“My name is Teresa.” she said. her voice was a full rich baritone that would have (male) singers around the world crooning for a voice like that. I honestly don't wanna know what was wrong with her. I swore to myself that i wouldn't ask.
“Right on. So Cristy (points cause I remembered Other girl's name) tells em that you like horror movies. That's awesome, what's your favorite?” I love horror movies and you could tell that because I was wearing one of the vintage Texas Chainsaw Massacre T-shirts at this place.
“I like Night of the Living Dead but Texas Chainsaw Massacre kicks ass.”
Maybe this wasn't going to be so bad. i can talk movies for hours and I committed myself to the idea. if I was just really friendly we could just get through this and then have a good time with no physical requirement involved.
We wore into a long conversation that went really well. She was funny and did have a great personality underneath the carpet she wore all over herself. I didn't know that apes thought about philosophy but life is full of surprises and we ended up talking about Voltaire and Nietzsche interspersed with Vincent Price and both of the Lon Cheneys. I had a good time, until she moved in for the kill.
When she laughed and kissed me I didn't know what to do. The wing man in me cried out to be there for my man who was trying to score but my mother always told me not to stick my dick into livestock so I was at a loss. I tried to play along and just ended up whimpering meekly which I suppose she took as a moan of pleasure. The liquor wasn't going to be enough, her beard tickled me and I suddenly knew why girls want men to shave before they get action. I wanted to cry and die at the same time.
Then I was saved, she pulled away. “I'm sorry johnny, IO like you but I just came out of a long relationship so I don't think I can do this right now.”
“No, that's cool. I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do.” I thanked my lucky stars.
“Oh fuck it, I do want this.” She was on me again straddling me. She ground her hairy crotch into me like she was an animal in heat. I heard her panting for breath and the way she tongued me i couldn't help but think about Turner and Hooch.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw my friend just staring. I knew what he was thinking. he was simultaneously glad to be in the company of the world greatest friend and never ever going to let me hear the end of screwing a yeti.
Well to make a long story short I didn't. She ended up breaking down again and leaving before I would have to take her back with us. She took my number down and never called so i was in the clear.
The moral of the story? Never ever blind date. Your friends do not have your best interests in mind.
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Posted by DeeperDarker on 2009-08-29 22:50:22 | Rating: | Views: 123
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