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| Suicidal Episode |
On unusual occasions, suicidal thoughts pop into my head and they are difficult to shake off. Today was one such occasion and the feeling has been bothering me since morning.
It may have something to do with my panic attack last night or a variable of things that happened from 6:00-8:30 A.M. in which most of my family gathered for breakfast at the table, something that rarely happens and is usually noisy and in some cases, catastrophic (for the food and the state of the table, at least). There are fork and knife marks in the wood and stains that can't be removed that somehow seeped into the tile around the edges of the table.
Here's how the conversation went between myself and my oldest step-brother:
Sam: Baby woke up finally.
Me: *Nothing*
Sam: Have a nice night in your crib? I'm surprised mom didn't have to come in and change you.
Usually comments like this don't bother me as I hear them often and the fact that Sam acts in such a childish manner while saying it amuses me more than upsets me.
Sam: Where's your pacifier, Mikky?
Me: *Nothing*
Sam: You'd better not wreck the house while we're gone.
Me: I don't think you have anything to worry about.
Sam: Good, because if you did happen to get into my room and mess with my stuff you'd find all your books in the fireplace.
He says this all the time. Besides, my bookshelves have doors and are locked up tight when I'm not using them.
Sam: Have a nice cry last night?
Me: *Nothing*
Sam: I heard you crying like a baby last night in your room. What happened, did a ghost scare you?
Me: It's none of your business.
Sam: Mom says she's gonna put you up for adoption.
Me: I doubt she would.
Sam: She wants to, she says you're too much of a hassel and she doesn't love you.
I've also heard that one before. He says it any chance he gets. Why he chose to say it while she was in hearing range is beyond me though. And why he switches topics so quickly is also a mystery.
Sam: Why'd you cry last night? Cause you saw me with Penny and now you're jealous?
Me: I'm hardly jealous of you.
Sam: You're just sad because no one loves you. You want a girlfriend but you can't get one because you'd run away from her the moment you saw her.
Me: *Nothing*
Sam: You wouldn't get a girl to like you anyway. You're too ugly. God made a mistake making you and the whole family knows it.
THAT hurt. A lot. He's never called me ugly before. In fact, he's never said anything about my appearance before. I stopped eating and left, not because I wanted to go look at myself but just so I could get away from Sam. I don't understand why he dislikes me so much.
Sometime at around 8:15-8:45 I also happened to hear my mother say "Mikael needs to freshen himself up, he looks like a tired slug most of the time. His clothes need changing too, he looks like a beggar child walking around this house."
So yes, I did go into my room later today and cried. Yes, I felt suicidal and I DID cut my wrists. I used a pen and threw it in the garbage can outside so that I couldn't use it again. Here's how my thoughts went while I cried and felt sorry for myself and sliced away at my vital organs:
- He's right, I don't deserve a girlfriend.
- I am ugly, it's probably because I never get outside. (Totally unrealistic, but at the time if felt right.)
- I'm probably a burden to the whole family the way I am.
- I should just disappear. No one would miss me anyway.
- Mom's right, why am I so gross?
- I can't do anything right with anyone.
Many similar thoughts went through my mind as well. I don't think my feelings were justified. Sam made one comment about me and I warped it and used it to fuel my sadness. And mom's remark was spoken gently. It's rediculous.
But anyway, I think I'm feeling better now, although I did do something drastic and I hope to never do it again. I'm glad I threw the pen away. I might be tempted to use it again.
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Posted by Dark_Eyes on 2009-06-24 21:21:40 | Rating: | Views: 105
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