Well my mother and brother left this morning, we had a nice couple of days around London and they kept me company whilst M is away. I took them to the British Museum, which is always entertaining and interesting, also to Camden Market for some shopping. We went to the theatre on Tuesday night to see Wicked, which was a excellent production. I have read the book, and although it differs quite alot from the book, something which usually annoys me greatly, it was still very good as a standalone production.

Today, I have not really done much other than play World of Warcraft to keep myself busy. I did spend sometime earlier looking at university courses, but due to my useless A-levels (far too many problems during my finaly year at school) and complete lack of any talent what so ever, I don't really have much choice...or any choice for that matter. There was not a single course I could find suitable for myself. I know I cannot go to university any time soon, but it would be nice to have something to work myself towards because I would definately like to do a degree sometime in my life. We are hopefully moving to New Zealand in a couple of years and I would have liked to get my degree done here before I go, but I don't think that is going to be possible. I was thinking, to tie in with my current business plan, of taking costume design, but unfortunately my lack of drawing ability and any experience with textiles within the last 2 years hinders me slightly...It's a possibility that I can spend 6 months or so working on a portfolio of designs and finished corsets and see what happens from there.

My main problem with myself...one that I have always had, is that I lack any form of talent. I can't sing, dance, play a instrument, draw, cook etc. It's not through lack of trying either, I'm always getting told off for singing, I try my hardest to dance, then make a fool of myself, I've tried a couple of instruments, none of which I have been able to get the hang of after 6 months, I cannot draw at all...I always failed to keep in the lines when using my colouring book as a child...and I've given M food poisening a couple of times because my cooking is awful. They are just a few examples...I'm not particulary intelligent either, so I don't excel in anything academical. I just don't feel there is anything about me which is interesting or special. M tells me that being nice is my talent, that always makes me feel pretty crap. Anyone can be nice, just some choose not to be, why should being nice be a talent when people should just be nice anyway? It's like "Sorry hun your pretty crap at everything, I can't think of anything that makes you great, but your good at being nice!" Annoyingly M is not the only person to say being nice is my talent, one of my ex's has, and a couple of my friends. It makes me feel really crap, I have friends who are amazing artists, poets, creative writers, dancers, musicians, models or just generally super intelligent and then there is me...I'm nice. Whenever I used to say to them I didn't have a talent they would usually say oh me neither, then I would reel of their list of talents and their excuse would be "oh well i'm not really good at it" but thats not the point! They have a talent and they can work on it! I have nothing..except maybe whining all the time...I hope that when I get round to design and making my own corsets I am good at it, or at least in a position where I can work on it and make it my talent.

 I guess I am feeling a bit down today, unfortunately when I'm alone I think alot about myself and my life and usually end up feeling crap. I'm feeling lonely about my lack of friends situation, although hopefully soon that should change, I'm feeling loney without M. And I'm feeling like the most useless person in the world right now.