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| ~My Mother~ |
Everyone, well most everyone, always thinks their Mother is the very best~ And while I will not argue that most Mothers are great, my Mother is way beyond special :-) She and I share this special bond that made others around us jealous! ~LoL~ Really truth!! We are just so close.....I could share anything with her and vice versa. She adored me, I realize that more now that she is gone, than I ever did before. I am her only daughter :-) She loved telling me the story of my birth. She said she wanted a little girl so badly, and when the time came for me to be born...she was so excited, she hardly recognized the pain ~LoL~ And she told me that when I finally came out and started crying, and was anxiously awaiting the doctor's news of whether I was a boy or girl and when he told her 'little girl'...Mother said she forgot all about the pain and almost jumped off the table~ She named me after her favorite actress, Debbie Reynolds. I was born on April 1st...April Fool's Day...but my original due date was Mother's birthday, March 30th! I didn't arrive...then the following day, believe it or not, was her Mother (my Grandmother's) birthday, March 31st...still, no baby ~LoL~ then I fooled them all I guess, arriving on April 1 :-) Mother has always been there for me, thru my bad times and my (few) good times in life. Whenever I would make a decision, she stood by me, whether or not she totally agreed. All she ever wanted for me....was to be happy. I most of the time still talk about my Mother in the present, I prefer it that way :-) She was always happy to see me, hopping up and greeting me with a big ole hug. This was always. When she was the happy healthy Mother and even when she was becoming frail and having to use oxygen. I never imagined my life without my Mother...never~ I knew that everyone has to die sometime, but yet, I never let that thought come into my mind....until October 28th, 2005, when the word 'terminal' was thrown at me by her doctors. My whole world shifted! I couldn't think clearly...I couldn't eat.....I couldn't sleep...it was as if this was all somebody's else nightmare and not mine. My beautiful Mother was only 66, way too young to pass away and leave me. Sure, I tried to put on the brave smiley face when I looked at her, but deep inside, I was dying :-(
She would watch me all thru the year, before the holiday season, to see what I talked about...what I wanted....how my eyes sparkled when I saw something I would like to have ~LoL~ That's how she was. And when Christmas came, sure enough, the pretties were there for me...from her. We always tried to out-do each other at Christmas *haha* She would want to watch me open mine from her and I wanted to watch her open the gifts from me :-) And she loved the way I wrapped..she was always saying the wrapping was so pretty and she didn't want to tear into it, so she sat there, delicately taking the wrapping off, slowing and carefully *smiles* Mother loved Christmas......Mother IS Christmas, and Thanksgiving too. But Christmas made her smile the most. She was a gift giver, not just at Christmas, but always. Always crocheting things for other friends and co-workers. She is the most talented person when it came to crocheting, she would make up her own patterns, she made several afghans as gifts to couples, where she had patterned their wedding date into the blanket :-) I loved to watch her show off her newest invention...her eyes would light up! My Mother is the most courageous, bravest, compassionate, loving, caring, awesome woman I have ever met. I wish I had one ounce of courage in me. When we were told she was terminal.......the doctors left us alone and there sat Mother and I, on the hospital bed. I asked her if she knew what the doctor just told us, and Mother replied "Yes, I'm going to die".
Then she just reached out and grabbed me...and we held each other tightly, crying, for just a brief bit.
That was the one and only time Mother ever broke down after being told the news. We had a few conversations after, right before she came home under Hospice care, and I asked her one time if she was afraid to die, and she said to me "No, I'm not afraid, I'm just not ready yet"
I could tell she knew what she was talking about :-) And I also could tell after we got her home, that she knew her time was coming.
The doctors told me a time frame of about 3 months or so, but I never told Mother that. And I don't believe my Dad did either. But they brought her home on November 1, 2005....and Hospice was there with us when the ambulance brought her home.
God I wish I had a picture...my Mother was sitting upright on the ambulance gurney as they wheeled her into her living room......and she was just beaming!!! Smiling from ear to ear, because she was home! Her 2 sisters from Illinois were there as well, to help with Mother~
We all giggled as Mother was being brought in the door~ Then they helped onto the hospital bed we had set up in the living room and we all proceeded to get ready. Hospice was very helpful and they explained everything to us.
Now my Mother was in no way, 'out of her mind'.....she knew all of us perfectly well. She laughed, she ate like a little piggy ~LoL~ She could even get up and go to the bathroom, but she did need some help with that, as she was weak. But her spirits were awesome! She never let on that was she afraid....or scared........or showed no signs of being terrified, of anything! She seemed to be happy to be home :-)
We were planning a huge Thanksgiving dinner, family from all over where to come....because, we all were thinking Mother might not be here for Christmas. And she helped in planning the dinner. She even made the comment.....she was excited about Thanksgiving, because in her own words "I might not be here for Christmas"
God that killed me to hear her say that. I remember having to sit down on a chair and catch my composure.
The times I was away, to tend to my home, my Aunts would tell me, all Mother did was talk about 'me'......how her Debbie was going to handle all this.
She knew I was going to have a hard time......we are best friends! When I was a little girl, we would get matching pajamas ~LoL~ So cute, I remember the yellow frilly ones :-)
But, I never got my 3 months.
Not that I really had anything planned, just spending time with my Mother......but I lost her exactly 2 weeks after she came home, on November 14th, 2005.
I can't get excited about Thanksgiving anymore, in fact, I hate to see November even come~
I don't see how people can say it's the 4th anniversary of her death...to me, the word Anniversary is more of a word to mean celebrate.
So I call it my Mother's Angel Day :-)
And I always release 14 purple balloons, with little "I love you " notes attached...on that date~
I have felt like a huge part of me is missing....ever since that date. I remember that date just like it was yesterday...every move I had to make, every decision....every detail......I was moving like a zombie...I knew this was all was happening, but yet, I kept hoping it was somehow not really true.
My Mother would never leave me........
But she did...God called her home. So she would be in no more pain, she was no longer suffering...she was so peaceful looking lying there.
I remember doing her morphine patches, and talking with the nurses at Hospice, making sure Mother was not in any pain, because she watched her Daddy die from lung cancer, and according to Mother, he laid there and suffered, they had no means to help him back then. Mother had constantly asked her personal doctor, to make sure she was in no pain.
And she wasn't.
I would sit beside her on the bed, while she slept, and I would watch her like a baby :-)
Smoothing her hair, kissing her forehead, telling her how much I love her~
And while she seemed to be doing fine in the first few days she was home, the day before she passed, everything changed~ I don't know why or how, but she just abruptly changed, and I knew in my heart...she wasn't going to be with me much longer :-(
My Mother kept every card I ever sent her after I got married ~LoL~ The gifts.......oh my God, she kept everything I had ever bought her. If she didn't have room to display it, she kept it in the box, complete with the wrapping *haha* tucked away in her closet :-)
When I was going thru her things after she left me, I was amazed at just how much stuff she kept, and it was all from me *smiles* Her baby girl :-)
I have most of her things here now, in my home. I even have the pajamas she passed away in..I have several other things from when she was home under Hospice care. People tell me it's not healthy for me to have all those reminders, but you know what?? The stuff in my mind is always there.....I will always be reminded.
I have her oxygen tube she was using. I have her medic I.D. bracelet she was wearing plus her watch and her cancer band...I asked them to remove those at the funeral home as I wanted to keep them.
I even have her last cigarette ~LoL~
She thought she was going to get one last smoke in one day, and the doctor admitted her into the hospital, so she quickly handed me the cigarette..and when I went back to my car, I tucked it in the console. I found it about 3 months after she passed.
But I have kept it ever since~
She was the one I went to when I needed to talk, and she always understood....she never judged me, never judged anyone!
Every person in our town loved her....the funeral home was packed and all I kept hearing was "what a wonderful woman your Momma was"
But, I already knew that......... *smiles*
So...coming up is another November 14th.
I can feel the feelings of sadness already start to overtake more of me.
I was so angry at God for taking her from me.........still have some anger actually.
I know she is in a better place, I know she is no longer hurting...but I want her here for me, because I'm selfish :-)
I guess I don't really mourn for her, I mourn because she's gone.
I miss my Mother way more than I could ever express here~
(I love you Mom)
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Posted by Dabs on 2009-11-04 10:16:30 | Rating: | Views: 226
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