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People are always pressuring us to go forward, but sometimes, I don't think it's such a bad idea to go back. Take for example, once a self reliant loner who didn't need anyone. Friendships for me were a curious novelty once I got over that whole suicidal crying phase that ended in about year 6 and stopped giving a shit. I think our personalities aren't static, they are shaped and changed by the decisions we make, the company we keep and the all important question of who we want to be. Are we doing the things that will make us our "ideal self", or are we making excuses and being stuck in the same rut that's kept us company for the last 12 years? An old acquintance (one of the people from grade school who was actually civil to me, god bless her heart) recited the positive platitutde, "Be the change you want to see", and unless you are a very good deligator, this particular platitute is probably true. What changes do I want to see? Well, I want to see fat people sent off to forced labour camps until they're an acceptable weight, but besides that I want to see an innovation in sex offender treatment. I, of course, possibly with the help of a few wiling lab assistants, am gonna have to be that change. I've also been thinking about the concept of responsibility. I don't strictly remember being a care free child. I always very moralistic and was concerned with making the right decisions since I could talk (and before, I was a late talker.)
From the time I was 15, I knew I wanted to be involved in 'fighting crime' but I've progressed beyond the desire to be a homicide cop to being a psychologist, because I'd rather treat the problem than just put someone in prison. However, I'd still like to do this job, so, being the prospective workaholic that I am, can probably do both (although the sex crimes squad would probably suit me better.) Then, I got to thinking this is just the thing that gets me into trouble- taking on too much responsibility, being too mature for my years. I've had to try and relax just to get by, but that's not necessary now. I have no reason not to concentrate exclusively on my career, and my writing. My friendships seem to have evaporated. Lucas is working. Maddy is too annoying and as for Tammy, she's gone to London, possibly forever. Hence the fact that C.S once again has way too much time to think and reminisce. I'm just trying not to be bitter, accept the fact that this is who I am. The writing is going great, and I might post a little from the new book. It's called Smash. Which is abstract and all that but sounds a bit too much like that Ryan Phillipe movie Crash.
I tried to love. I tried to be loved. I failed. I was failed by those who I thought could make a positive difference in my life. I tried to act surprised.
Being alone is comfortable, and I will only come out of this isolation if I smell cookies.
Peace. C.S. |
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Posted by CynicalSweetheart on 2008-02-06 03:44:31 | Rating: | Views: 44
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