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| Back and overanalysing- The build up
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I was lying with Mr Brown Eyes tonight on my bed, innocently flirting, (giggling, touching, hinting… or maybe it was heavy duty flirting, but whatever-) when we just kissed. I’d been thinking about it for ages. I liked this guy for three years. And it felt good, but surprisingly, the sparks didn’t fizzle as hotly as I expected. When you like someone, do you have to strike while the iron’s hot? If there’s too much build up, do the sparks die?
Perhaps evolutionary theory can explain this. You see someone, you check out their great child bearing hips or strong jaw line and powerful build (mock, mock) and you lock in on the target. Pretty soon you flirt and if things slip along like mother nature is conspiring to do you end up in their bed wondering if you really just did that?! But what happens when your brain intervenes on behalf of your body- or perhaps your heart- and hits the breaks. Maybe everything just gets out of whack… Mother nature decides the target is not worthy of your reproductive energies and sends you on a new quest… Meanwhile, that annoying brain of yours is still pointing out how lovely Mr Brown eyes, or whoever your swoon worthy object is, is still the most gorgeous thing to walk the earth. And not only that- but their personality is mind blowing. So they become out of sink. Mentally, you are probably still in love with them. Physically, your reaction to them dies down as your brain has convinced your body not to be responsive to them. And… there is that little (probably bullshit, I’ll admit) evolutionary theory that your instincts are trying to veto your efforts to more promising sexual conquests.
So maybe you fuck a few other people, but that old crush is still firmly in the back of your mind somewhere… And when the time capsule is tapped with that long imagined kiss, the results can be unpredictable. Maybe mind blowing sensations, delicious orgasms and enough heat to power a nuclear plant? Or maybe… just “nice.” Which is what I got, which is why I am very unhappy. And, our sexual preferences are incompatible. I am a freak and he is a lady, so to speak. So that leaves me thinking… Do I throw towel now, or later? I have increasingly divorced sex from emotion, sex from relationships in my head. Although in practice I have trouble with emotion free sex and feel quite connected emotionally to a partner during sex, my head seems to have gotten a lot of power. And I’m not sure if I like it.
The ability to act out something mentally is the precursor to fulfilling the act physically (as any serial killer will tell you), and if the sexual acts and relationships that buzz through my mind in the late night hours at half past insomnia are anything to go by- only the wildest guy will be able to “satisfy my needs.” I don’t know why I seem to hate smugness of that phrase. So what’s a girl to do? The most rational conclusion in the end is probably that my self esteem took a beating, with Mr Brown Eyes waiting 3 years to tell me that he liked me, leaving me analyzing his every move for the time I was completely obsessed with him (about two years, didn’t see him much in the last.) So now I am pretty numb. I can barely feel his kisses, like being kissed through a cotton sheet. My mind has shut down because truthfully, I have experienced profound mental and emotional agony in the last few months and years- and I have come close to killing myself. (As my last post would indicate.) For now I am coasting, “living” at about 70% capacity. Let that be a lesson kiddies. Stay open, treat yourself with respect, pick partners who make you feel good and who are eager to be with you.
One good thing that has come out of this whole thing… I’m less worried about small risks, about being “embarrassed” than I used to be. Today I just went for that kiss. I can see things like this happening in the future. I’m a different person. Maybe because I don’t care so much about getting hurt, maybe because I’ve developed that shield that other people seem to have. I don’t know… but I kind of like it. Today I bought a brand new red trench- and Mr Brown Eyes said it looked great. I seem to be attracting the wondering gaze of the opposite sex... Amusing.
-C.S.
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| Blog Comments
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I thought I had posted to this, already, but I don't see the post. Anyway, a couple of other thoughts occurred to me.
I suspect most men really aren't the greatest lovers, in terms of techniques. They get by, as lovers, because they're perhaps loving, or even because they're charming, but not because they can actually make their women come all over the place. So that may be the problem with your guy. If so, find a book for him that YOU think clearly explains what a man has to do to make you come (probably a book on how to go down on you, or how to use his hands to make you come, as intercourse itself often inadequate to do the job).
The other thing is, if you're going into a relationship with a primary view toward how this person will make you feel, then, yeah, it's probably going to be a bit disappointing. You don't have to be religious, or "born again," to appreciate some of the things that Jesus said. And one of the most powerful things he said was something he said to his apostles: "I am among you as one who serves." If you take that attitude into a relationship, your only disappointment will be if the fellow rejects you.
When it comes to the woman I love, my greatest dream is to please her in every way I can, and to forgive (and, where possible) to overlook her every flaw, to make her feel like she is the queen of the world. I'm not a home-repairs kind of guy, but I actually would love to do her home repairs, mow her lawn, weed her garden. . .
But that's just me.
To be able to make that one woman happy. . . That's the sparks and the sizzle, for me. And if I can make her happy in bed. . . That's the real fourth of July fireworks for me.
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Posted by MyGallimaufry
on 2008-06-24 11:46:18
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I deleted ur other comment as it made me uncomfortable... We haven't slept together- so I'm not ready to hand him the How To Make Her Think You're Cassanova manual yet.
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Posted by CynicalSweetheart
on 2008-06-24 11:54:06
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You are getting stronger, and I'm glad. "Oh my! What an odd statement from the BootLady!" But it's true. Don't let the lack of fireworks put you off, girl. If this is something/one you wanna explore then explore. Books? Meh! I see nothing wrong with telling/showing him what you want. (Hey, I'm old - I can say whatever I want! lol)
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Posted by BootLady
on 2008-06-24 18:16:26
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What I said was based on past relationships. The one common thread among my past loves was that they all made me feel like a million bucks.
Extreme confidence? I don't think I spoke about anything "extreme." Actually, a bit of timidity and fear in a woman has its charm, too; especially in an otherwise confident woman. Anyway, the survey to which I was responding only asked questions about what men thought about women. If it had asked my opinion about how a man should be for the woman he loves, I would have given similar answers.
Sorry if something I said about sex was offensive or distressing to you. That was not my intent.
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Posted by MyGallimaufry
on 2008-06-24 21:02:13
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Good for you! You are intelligent and interesting at the very least, very attractive qualities in a person ^_~
It doesn't seem like Mr. Brown Eyes is right for you, and I TOTALLY agree about choosing someone who is good for you and makes you happy, after spending 9 months with a guy who never fell in love with me and made me feel like shit.
Don't beat yourself up about not being into that guy very much! Sometimes a person seems fantastic and super sexy upon first meet, but then after you get to know them the flame sort of goes out and you don't want them. This is what the guys refer to as the "friend zone"
Interesting thoughts :)
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Posted by Omphalos
on 2008-06-26 14:44:49
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