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I keep thinking about the past. I know that doing this is only going to make me misirable, but I keep doing it anyway... I think about how I could had done things diffrent, and what would had happened or wouldnt had happened if I didnt text ryry and told him that I was about to kill myself, and if he hadnt called me, and if I hadnt went over his house, and if I hadnt met david... But all that happened and I'm still here. Every day that I live feels like a mitsake.. Like I was sopos to die that day, and that everthing thats happening to me now isnt sopos to be happening. I should be dead, but I'm not. Me being here is a mistake... Someone like me dosnt deserve a life like this. I live in a house, and I get three meals, and I have a bed to sleep in. I dont want it. I would rather live on the streets, thats what I deserve. I dont want any of this realy... Except david. I do want him. But I know im not being fair to him. He dosnt know why I cut, and atempted suicide before I meet him. He dosnt know about anything that happened before I met him. He deservers to know... I fell bad that Im too week to tell him the truth. I guess we all have seckrets. Untill he knows I cant love him... The other day he said 'ash I think I love you' and I couldnt say it back... So I forced it out. And I said david I think I love you too.' Its a lie. I cant love anyone till I can love myself... And I dont think that will ever happen. Lie I said I dont deserve anything I have. Maybe its a sepuriorty complex, lol. I have or shoud say had a caring complex; I cared about everyone else more then myself. Which isnt nesacarly bad, but when you cant help someone and you cut b/c of it thats not good. And that what I had. Enfisis on HAD! Caus now i dont give a shit. No one bothered with me so Im not bothering with them. I wont put myself through all of it again... Being riped apart and my age is sad. Its really pathedic. Oh well.
[[srry for the spelling erors, this computer dosnt do spell check]] |
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Posted by CutUpAngle225 on 2008-02-13 13:37:56 | Rating: | Views: 49
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