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Why is it that everytime i feel like i'm closing in on happiness, it slips right through my fingers? Why can't i just smile and pretend that my life isn't falling down the tubes?
-Explanation... my parents sat me down right after christmas and told me they were getting a divorce. i wasn't exactly upset... My dad is an ass and treats my mom and i like shit, so i was actually a little excited that we all would be seperating. and yet... here it is.. mid july.. and he has yet to move out of the house. yet to stop treating my mom and i awfully and yet to realize he's making it harder on all of us. he's told me my entire life i was fat and not good enough. for anything really. sometimes the words didn't have to come out of his mouth but i knew.. does he love me? prolly in his own sick, twisted way.. but not how he should. sometimes i just really wanna go up to him, tell him i hate him more then anything for how he's made me feel about myself, how many times i stuck my finger down my throat to try and please him, how many hours i spent crying myself to sleep every night because it was never enough.
Why can't he see it? Why can't he see that 80% of the reason i can't keep a single freakin relationship is because they get tired of me being self concious all the time...watching how much i eat.. worrying about what those little side glances mean that i get sometimes. yeah, it's not all his fault.. but he planted that seed and i don't know how to get over it.
I don't know how to get over the fact that.. if i don't have a guy in my life that dotes on me even a little.. i feel worthless. i have never gotten that attention before i started dating years ago and now i feel like i'm reverting back to the days when it didn't exist at all. so i get so lonely and so depressed because some guy doesn't love me, or he doesn't want me or whatever. which is stupid. i just.. can't seem to shake it. i don't understand!!!!!
I just wanna be happy with who i am, satisfied with what God gave me, with the friends i have, and a mom who loves me more then herself.
..........................................but i cant..........................................
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Those must have been some upsetting and painful memories. I mean I'm still looking for that one girl. Not one sign of luck yet but I still manage to smile. Saying you can't makes you weak. You have to fight for happiness and protect it.
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Posted by Jose007
on 2008-07-12 02:30:22
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| Views: 37
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