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| Do you have to let it linger |
"Whenever I feel your memory is breaking my heart
I'll pretend I'm okay with it all, Act like there's nothing wrong
Is it over yet? Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets? Is this what it feels like to really cry?
Cry
I'm talking in circles , I'm lying, they know it, Why won't this just all go away?"
-Cry Kelly Clarkson
Three weeks from today it will have been a year.
They say time heals all wounds...I wish that saying came with an approximate timeline.
In the beginning it's like I physically couldn't FORCE the hurt from my mind and my heart, it was constant. I would compare it to the death of a best friend. I tried to run from it, I tried to numb it...nothing worked. The hurt would just continue to bubble up like a lunch that wouldn't digest. I've never been so low in my entire life. If I didn't have responsibilities I would have laid on the floor and stared at the ceiling until the Lord himself decided to pick me up. I was fine with leaving this world. But, I concentrating on surviving..each second...I kept taking one step at a time, sometimes literally.
I'm thankful that I even survived. I've never felt emotions as intensely as I did with the situation. The intensness scared me in a way, I didn't know something could hurt THAT MUCH. But, all in all...I made it. I made it....it will be one year in three weeks.
Yes, the hurt lingers and bubbles up every now and then...but it's managable. The thought of him still feels like a kick to the stomach but it's then that I remember that all I really have to do is survive the moment.
I'm 100% positive that HE has moved past the situation. He now has a girlfriend who adores him and well on his way to a life that doesn't have any space for me. Good for him, I'm glad he's finally found his happiness....I am...really.
I'm sure I'm supposed to be the crazy ex that hates him and anything that is remotely connected to him, but that's just not me. I don't have it in me to HATE...him or anyone else. I guess that's why it's so hard for me to grasp that he HATES me. Not only does he HATE me, but I've been told that he'd enjoy it if I wasn't on this earth at all. Heh...yeah...let's just let that one float out of my conscieness, shall we?
There still remains so many questions...I know they'll never be answered. I don't think I'd agree with the answers anyway. There's no peace that will ever come to this situation, I get that. It's just that...I despretley want to get to a place where this won't HURT anymore. That place where when I think of it I can say "Ehh, lesson learned." I have a feeling it's going to take longer than 365 some odd days.
But for now, I'm still surviving, still putting one foot in front of the other.
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