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| Winter Soul (Public Version)
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Yesterday was "on of those days" that we all have from time to time. I wrote a long private post ... for my eyes only. Writing out my feelings proved helpful and healing. The following is the public version of that post.
There are those days when the mood in one's heart is like the weather outside on this middle of February day ... cloudy and a bit gloomy. The rains of yesterday (while washing away much of the ice and snow) have left behind dirt and brown grass, allowing me to see first hand how barren and forlorn Winter actually is. The gusty winds a reminder, to all, that Winter is far from over.
It's early afternoon and I sit here feeling totally overwhelmed. My sad heart feels every inch of the Grand Canyon space left behind by a rash of departures. The same story continues to play out, like a broken record ... only the names are different. My head hurts ... my back hurts ... I feel weak ... a chill runs through my body. Today the sadness acts as a waterproof barrier keeping the tears deep inside my heart making the ache of loneliness even more intense.
My surroundings ... cluttered ... messy ... papers, books, clothing strewn about. The clutter creating an obstacle course for anyone brave enough to maneuver it. Nothing is in it's place ... nothing even has a place to call home. My neat and tidy attempts are in vain ... a few days pass and it appears as if no attempt were made at all. My surroundings reflect my life status. Like my things, who have no specific place ... I have yet to find my place in this world.
The days and years drift by like a hazy hot Summer day. What I put off today ... I put off tomorrow and the next day as well. I wonder am I depressed or just lazy? Or perhaps a life lived minus human touch is truly unhealthy and finally catching up with me.
Hope is fading of ever finding the significant friend, I feel, I so desperately need. My complicated life circumstances and busy schedule allow less and less time for my search. Even a writing or phone friend seems to be something God doesn't see fit for me to have. Just as I settle in ... just as my mind has something pleasant to think about, it's all taken away in an instant. I don't seem to have anymore "start overs" in me. How does one accept and come to terms with the fact that hugs, kisses and cuddling are over for this lifetime?
Most of the time I don't allow myself to feel. Most days I cope. Then there are days, like today, when every little thing seems to draw me deeper into the darkness.
I have been watching the sun play hide and go seek as I write this.
Maybe tomorrow will be a better day ...
maybe a tiny seed of hope will return to my heart ...
maybe I'll gather the strength to start again ...
maybe I'll even figure out a way to attract love into my life.
Today is today ... it is what it is and I'm not going to apologize or feel bad because I'm feeling bad.
Everyone needs a pity party now and then ...
today is my day to party.
Peace.
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| Blog Comments
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Much better put than my recent post... but I hear you completely. I haven't given up the hope of finding that special someone... a dear friend. However, I don't think you have either. You're right, we all deserve a pity party in our honor every once in awhile. As long as we kick our asses out of the party once its done :)
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Posted by nadira
on 2008-02-19 13:11:42
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Colorado my heart was hurting so bad for you while I was reading this post. I was hoping to get to the end of it and have it just a STORY and not about how you are actually feeling in real life.
I believe in you! I believe you will find true love. Make sure you love yourself first. I know you hear that often but if you really embrace it you will see it's true.
If you are feeling lazy and blue take one step forward, work out for 2 minutes, then the next day work out for like 5 minutes. Go take a walk, clear your head.
I know anytime I get in a rut I think I don't want to do anything and nothing turns into more nothing and then it just keeps getting worse. So please do a little something just to get yourself going again.
I will pray for you!
Peace
P.S. Remember you are allowed a pity party just don't forget to put a time limit on it. Short time limit :)
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Posted by trevorjohn
on 2008-02-20 11:52:19
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Please listen to this Colorado, everything has a time and a place...this sadness will pass like the clouds from a storm. You will see a beautiful rainbow before you know it. Look for the rainbow Sweetheart, it is there, hidden a little maybe, but it will be there for you. God promised us a rainbow...have faith!!
Bless you!
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Posted by keepdreaming
on 2008-02-21 09:42:05
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Thanks for all the prayers, love and concern.
I'm a girl who has been given an extra dose
of feelings and emotions, much to the dismay of my family.
I actually feel blessed that I'm moved and feel passionate about
many things in this world. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Like every person I have good days and bad days.
We all get down from time to time and I think everyone
experiences times of loneliness and feelings that nothing
is right in their world.
I have never written about my feelings ... I wasn't even sure
I could. The first draft of this post was for my eyes only.
I was quite surprised that I was able to describe, in words,
the feelings inside my heart. So I did a rewrite, leaving
out much of the drama and whining, and posted it for all to
see. As I read other posts I learn of much bigger problems
and concerns than my own. It makes me feel guilty to
be whining and complaining about the little stuff
in my life. I guess I'm not used to other's making a fuss
over me and a bit uncomfortable with the attention.
I do appreciate and am touched by it.
No worries I will be fine.
May God bless your caring hearts.
Love & Peace
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Posted by ColoradoDreamin
on 2008-02-22 00:26:33
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ColoradoDreamin...you never make a fuss over yourself, and you of all people deserve to be comforted when you are sad. For goodness sakes Honey, look at all the wonderful uplifting comments and advice you always give everyone else. I for one, am so thankful to have gotten to know you through Thoughts. You have truly touched my heart!
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Posted by keepdreaming
on 2008-02-25 20:29:38
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Colorado- I miss you, are you o.k.
If you need a friend I'm here for you!
Peace
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Posted by trevorjohn
on 2008-02-25 21:31:31
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