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I wrote this post several days ago. After looking it over I have decided to open it up to everyone for a short time. Being vulnerable is most difficult for me. When it comes to love and relationships, I'm evolving and learning new things each day. I don't think RF knows of this blog, but just in case ... RF, if you're reading this I hope life is treating you well. You are not a bad person. You are a man who needs and wants to be loved. Silence is not the way to go, my friend. For any relationship to work, open honest communication is a requirement, not an option.
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--Original Post--
This post is for friends only. There are many things I feel the need to talk about and work out, but as the months go on I'm coming to realize and accept that I'm a private person who doesn't want to put the things of my heart out into the public arena for all to see and comment on. So instead of going totally private I'm going to be sharing my personal side (from time to time) with friends only. The last several weeks the following has been on my mind and today is the day to get it out of my brain.
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I became acquainted with RF (who lives in my area) last Summer when I answered his pen pal ad. After reading my introduction letter he sent a quick reply saying "you are exactly what I'm looking for and I would love to continue to grow with you as a friend." As we continued to exchange emails I liked that he seemed honest and mature. One time he suggested we make a pact that if we had something to say ... we should just say it. He wanted to know what I expected out of our friendship and said he would do his best to make, whatever my wishes were, happen. He told me he was a man who spoke his mind and that I was the gift from heaven he had wished and prayed for countless times. One evening, before heading out for his nightly walk, he emailed saying that while he walked he was going to ponder ways to make my life different and better. During our "getting to know each other" time we discovered that our birthdays were exactly the same ... same month, day and year. We both took it as a smile from the universe ... his response, "maybe we have something here."
We met for a quick lunch at Burger King and even though he was a bit shy I liked him. When it came time to say goodbye we shared a kiss (on the mouth ... more friend type than romantic) and he gave me one of the most gentle and genuine hugs I have ever received. After our meeting I wrote him a thank you note saying how much I enjoyed his company and he responded saying he felt the same way and was looking forward to spending more time together.
We continued to email and IM for a while and then I sensed him drifting away. I called him at work and he was so sweet and reassuring saying he was going through some stuff and feeling a bit quiet. He enjoyed my letters and still felt strongly about me and asked me to be patient with him. For several weeks after that we would leave messages for each other on Yahoo IM. During this time I noticed his emails had become a bit more formal in nature. I called him several more times at work and again he was so warm and sweet, to me, that any fears I had were quickly dissipated.
After he failed to email me, upon returning from his vacation, I emailed him saying I needed to know what was going on. If our time as pen pals had ended he needed to convey that to me. He wrote back saying he was very sorry, but he had some personal problems to attend to and wouldn't be writing me or anyone else. So you can imagine my surprise when a short time later his ad, seeking a new pen pal, appeared on the site. In a way I wish I had set up a new email account and answered it as somebody else. Perhaps my undercover work would have allowed me to find out what went wrong between us. Since dishonesty isn't my style I copied and pasted his ad into an email and called him out on it. It was probably the most honest email I have ever written. I told him I felt he had been dishonest with me ... shared how I felt about him and how upset I was that a wall of silence loomed between us. I begged for a 10 minute conversation for closure and to clear the air. I never received a reply, but the next morning his pen pal ad had been removed. Now being a believer in Karma I knew that if I had bullied him into removing the ad there would be no new friends in my future as well. Even though I was a bit uncomfortable I called him at work. I could tell he wasn't all that pleased to hear from me. I told him he didn't have to remove his ad and, if he wished, to post it again. He said he didn't wish to and that removing it had been the right thing to do. I explained to him that I couldn't be friends with someone who refused to communicate and I needed to know what went wrong. He just kept saying "I know" over and over. As we ended our conversation I asked him point blank ... "do you think you will ever be able to talk to me?" and he replied quickly, "yes". I then said ..."so there's hope" ... to which he replied ... "there's always hope Colorado". That was in November and outside of a couple very short emails, we have yet to have the conversation I asked for.
Winter has come and gone and it's now May. I really thought (or hoped) we would be talking by now. This week is both our birthdays. In the beginning of our relationship we had discussed how special it would be to get together for a drink, coffee, or lunch on the shared day of our birth. I'm a person who can't seem to ignore special things. I think it's very unique and special that RF and I not only share the same date but the same year as well. I'm a bit miffed that our paths even crossed to begin with. Birthdays are hard enough without having thoughts, lurking about my mind, of some guy who got my hopes up only to leave and break my heart.
For some reason I want RF to know that, on my birthday, I will think of him. [I'm sure he won't give me a passing thought. It's always been totally inconceivable and foreign to me that I would cross the mind of anyone.]
I got to thinking how I would go about this. I'm not brave enough to call his work and I imagine he has me blocked on email. So I decided to go the route of a note sent to his place of employment. Since I don't know how things are handled at his work (or how private mail is) I decided to send the note from my real estate office. I get birthday cards, each year, from my tax accountant, hair salon and car insurance agent. Even if RF's boss or secretary were to see it nothing would be thought as it's normal and good business practice to acknowledge the birthdays of clients. I felt a birthday card would be a bit much so I wrote the following to him on a note card with pretty flowers on the front...
"To RF - The man who shares my birthday.
Hoping your difficult times are a distance memory and life finds you experiencing contentment, joy and happiness. Give me a call when you are ready to check out some investment properties. Have a wonderful birthday."
I signed it with my name and real estate office.
I mailed the note yesterday morning and no matter what happens feel peaceful about my actions. I don't hate this man and truly do wish him the best. It bothers me that I don't know what happened between us and I feel bad that I didn't present myself in a way that he felt safe sharing his thoughts and feelings with me. I can usually spot a "player" a mile away and feel a bit uneasy that I was duped by him. I'm not expecting any kind of response, from my note, but do take a bit of satisfaction that I'm a big enough person to send wishes of happiness his way.
I believe there's a lesson in everything that happens to us. For months I tried to figure out what lesson I was supposed to learn from my encounter with RF. One day it finally dawned on me ...
While life experiences (losing a loved one, divorce, job loss, etc.) create a common bond between individuals it doesn't mean people, in similar situations, are looking for, and want, the same things. RF and I bonded because we had gone through similar experiences. I made the mistake of thinking since we were both in the same spot we desired the same thing out of a friendship. Which obviously wasn't the case as he no longer desires to be part of my life. RF was everything I had hoped and been praying for. I fought so hard for this relationship because I sincerely felt RF was my answer to prayer and I'm not someone who throws God's gifts away. There was to much right not to believe otherwise. Like the song says, "If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am." I have asked God a million times why He would tease me and then take it all away. In many ways I'm not over RF as I feel there is unfinished business between us.
Another somewhat strange event, in regard to my birthday, happened yesterday as well. I had planned to spend my day in the small town of Chelsea ... an hour's drive away. I love small towns and country drives especially during the Spring months. I thought I would get a bite to eat at the Chelsea Grill ... while not fancy the atmosphere is warm and inviting and the food is good. Last evening on the news I learned the strip mall, where the grill is located, caught fire. While not totally destroyed the restaurant sustained major smoke and water damage and will be closed for quite some time. Not sure if there's any hidden meaning to this or lesson to be learned ... most likely only that I need to be more flexible and come up with another plan. |
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Posted by ColoradoDreamin on 2008-05-06 11:55:07 | Rating: | Views: 85
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CD, I'm truly sorry that you, of all the people, have to go through this. This is something you really dont deserve. If RF was truly going through something, he should've atleast given you a slight idea of what was happening. That communication is really important. I can imagine the bond that you have with him...I can understand those feelings. I think it was really good of you to send him that note...hope that makes him realise what a jerk he has been (sorry, but he has)
I hope he either realises and gives you a call to explain himself, or you get the strength to move on. Life is hard, but we're here for you, always.
Sending you lots of smiles and a big hug...
(Think of a puppy sleeping on its small little bed, a baby laughing, children playing, a hot/cold shower...a long drive...making you smile??)
Keep us updated....
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Posted by angelwings
on 2008-05-07 01:33:21
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My thoughts are with you. Reading your post sent me back to the days of when I was working at the nursing home. Just as she will always be in my heart so will RF be in your heart. dj
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Posted by mizrabl1
on 2008-05-09 13:42:33
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Oh CD, It's amazing how some men can't handle any type of confrontations so they avoid them. Surely he could of explained to you why he backed away. It would have closed the doors for you and you wouldn't have to carry this weight around with you wondering what YOU could have done differently. Well Sweetheart, I'm here to tell you, YOU couldn't have done anything differently, because it wan't you. The problem lies with him. He has things he hasn't dealt with or is not ready for a one on one relationship, otherwise he wouldn't have posted he was looking for a penpal so soon after he started avoiding you. I think you did a extremey classy thing my sending him that birthday card and taking the higher road. Now i would just let it rest, as hard as it may be. If you have to fight for him this early on, he is not worth it. He should be "wowing" you. I hope none of this is too upsetting to hear, but Sweetie, I just think you are entirely too special to lower yourself to chase after him. Does this make sense? Ther's a good man out there for you. Just hand on honey!!
Luv U!
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Posted by keepdreaming
on 2008-05-10 01:07:42
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CD - just goes to show he wasn't right for you, as you are too good for him. Doesn't make it any easier does it.... I know.
I have a little saying for you which is pinned up in my study where I sit and type away ...
"See that any time you feel pained or defeated, it is only because you insist on clinging to what doesn't work.
Dare to let go and you won't lose a thing except for a punishing idea."
I wish you only the best my friend.
xoxo
:)
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Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-05-10 08:14:07
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