Thoughts.com Blogs - Last Week's Thoughts

Since I'm a private person I rarely blog about the day to day things that go on in my life. Last week, for some reason, was a week filled with many emotions. I'm not sure I feel comfortable putting this post out for all to see. I'll try it as "public" but later might choose to exercise my option of making it "friends only" or "private". The need to clear my mind and make sense of my thoughts, feelings and emotions propelled me to write it. As most of my readers stop by to enjoy a bit of positive thought or inspiration this post might be of no interest. If that's the case, thanks for stopping by and feel free to check back on another day.
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Where do melancholy moods come from? My days can be sunny/partly cloudy and then as quickly as a surprise Spring thunderstorm my soul is inundated with stormy dark clouds. Most of last week found me in just such a mood with no reason or explanation (that I could think of) as to why. These types of feelings shouldn't be part of the Spring season, where extended daylight and warm breezes prevail.

On a good week the events of last week would have been just ordinary. Things to be handled and worked through without missing a beat, but downcast moods have a way of changing my perception, making everything seem wrong, overwhelming and impossible to fix. Last week nothing possessed the power to put a smile on my face.

Melancholy moods put me in a reflective state. I think of the girl I once was ... where has she gone? ... who has she become? ... and are her best days over? This stage of life has proved surprising to me. The never ending hot flashes were the only thing I heard about this time in life (excuse me ... now referred to as power surges). My mom would say ... "you just wait ... you have no idea ... it's awful .... No, more than awful." Since I had no idea I imagined myself going about my day looking like I just stepped out of the shower and had forgotten to grab a towel. Thank goodness the "surges" haven't been as bad as Mom described, but I was not prepared for the relentless insomnia that visits me nightly. Nighttime has become my worst nightmare with Mr. Sandman never making an appearance until 5:30 a.m. Another surprise has been the ebbing of my emotions. Straight line is the word that comes to mind ... not happy ... not sad. I can go months without shedding a tear. Several weeks ago my sister-in-law sent me an email survey. One of the questions being ... "When was the last time you cried?" I had no idea ... perhaps 2 months ago. I ended up putting "can't remember". A safe answer as memory loss is a common symptom at this stage of life as well.

Then after a very dry Winter (tear wise) last week brought the rain ... [Hmmmm ... April showers perhaps ... with beautiful May flowers not far behind.] I cried while straightening up the house .... during "Dancing With the Stars" ... during "American Idol" ... during my sleepless nights and yes even during the commercials. Now I can, at times, be a bit of a hypochondriac so all these tears and gloom were starting to concern me. Had my nervous breakdown finally arrived? Had years lived without human touch taken it's toll? It has been almost three years since receiving any more than a quick hug or handshake. Maybe I hadn't dealt honestly with my feelings after my last two painful relationship breakups? Or was something wrong that I didn't know about? At times I can have a sixth sense about things. Feeling that something is amiss, only to find out later there is some sort of trouble with someone I care about.

Looking back the trials (if I can even call them that) of last week were minor in nature and totally blown out of proportion by viewing them through the window of my low spirits.

On the work front three of my clients decided to discontinue their search for a new home. One client (a couple) had signed papers for a new construction home. Papers that required them to secure a construction loan within 30 days. They got cold feet and are now refusing to get the loan. They want to wait until their current home is sold. In this market there's little chance of that happening within 30 days ... of course miracles do happen. Can't say as I blame them ... after all who wants to be stuck with 2 house payments in an uncertain economy. Their paperwork is currently with the builder (Michael) and Michael's head listing real estate agent. Not sure how it's all going to be handled.

On the home front my water filter broke and I had to buy a new one. Not a huge crisis by any means, but with work being a bit grim I wasn't in a spending mood. On a positive note the old filter (one that screws on my faucet) lasted for many years. Using it is cheaper than buying bottled water and more convenient. So by the time I got to Target I was in the right mind set to make my purchase with no reservations.

On a personal front last week brought the loss of Stephanie, my hair stylist. I have written about her before on here. She has been on maternity leave (her second child) since December. In January I got a bad hair cut (to my horror only 1 inch of hair was left) so I have been letting it grow out most of the Winter. Several weeks ago my bangs were in my eyes so I went back to the same salon (I know) and got another girl who told me my bangs didn't need a trim. She finally, after much pleading from me, barely snipped them and when I asked for a little more to be taken off she refused. I'm mad at myself that I didn't refuse to pay for the trim.

So this week, with the arrival of April, I decided to call and find out when Stephanie would be returning. She was planning on working 2 days a week and I knew it might take a while to get an appointment. I felt it was well worth the 45 minute drive, each way, to get a haircut I liked. Of course I had hoped to find a closer salon, but that hadn't happened. When I called the salon I was told Stephanie had had a change of heart and would not be returning to work. A letter had been sent out and would arrive within the next several days. Stephanie's letter arrived the next day, telling of her difficult decision ... the desire to not miss her children's childhood ... and saying how much she enjoyed being a part of each one of our lives. That she considered us friends made this decision especially difficult. I was just devastated. Stephanie has been a part of my life for years. I so enjoyed her kind, sweet, caring personality. She knew my whole story and she was my only "in person" girlfriend. I so looked forward to our girl chats.

That evening I decided I needed a little comfort so I called my West Coast friend. [At one time I was involved romantically with him, but now we are just friends.] The fact that it's 3 hours earlier, where he is, makes him the perfect person for those middle of the night times of despair. I love this man dearly, but he's not someone who can offer me comfort. Why I continue to pick him for comfort (with the same results) is beyond me. After sharing the Stephanie saga, with him, he replied ..."Well, Colorado, if Stephanie really were your friend you would have her home phone number. She was only a friend in your mind ... hair stylists are a dime a dozen ... find someone new and get over it." Probably some truth in his words, but not what I wanted or needed to hear. After bidding goodbye to, "Mr. Sensitive", the April showers returned.

Thursday I tackled my dining room table which was piled high with everything under the sun. [My dining room table is a thorn in my side. I can clear it off and within days all my work is in vain as it looks like no attempt was made at all.] This time, much to my surprise, the cleaning went well and quickly. I filed papers and organized the catalogs for quick reference later. As I worked I pondered the question as to why I wasn't feeling more upbeat and happy. Maybe the universe was trying to tell me something was amiss ... that someone was going through a sad event or struggle. Decided to call my Mom for a family update and to make sure all was well with her and Dad. Her first words were a question, "Did you get your Dad's email?" ... No, I hadn't gotten it, which is no surprise as the email servers at the retirement community are as slow as the elderly residents. She then informed me that my uncle had passed away, in Florida, on Wednesday at the age of 91. Maybe that's why my heart was feeling sad. Mom was handling it pretty well. Uncle K is her oldest brother ... the first born in her family. They were not that close. Several years could pass with only the exchange of a Christmas card between them. Last August when my parents moved to a retirement community [a move that was very difficult for my Mom] she received a surprise phone call from my uncle. They ended up chatting for several hours. Mom said it was the best talk they had shared in years. She feels so blessed to have the memory of that conversation. Shortly after the call my Uncle's health took a turn for the worst. Uncle K is the first of my Mom's siblings to die (Mom refers to it as the "first break")

Since he lived in Florida I didn't know Uncle K well. I probably saw him only 2 or 3 times in my life. Upon meeting him I was surprised that he possessed a wonderful sense of humor. He was a prankster who loved to joke around and laugh. Very different from my other aunts and uncles whose personalities were more reserved and serious in nature.

My Uncle K loved photography. Every summer he left the Florida heat and humidity behind and headed West to Yellowstone, where he spent the summer months, capturing on film, all the beauty found there. At times he would include one of his photos in my Christmas card. Always something pretty and feminine in nature such as a pretty flower close up shot. Last Christmas, knowing he wasn't feeling the best, I included a photo of my perennial garden in his holiday card. My thought being he would enjoy it as his ill health prevented him from getting out much to enjoy our beautiful world. I'm so glad I did as it turned out to be his last Christmas on earth.

Uncle K's penmanship possessed a bold fancy flair. In his younger days he had taken (for fun) several writing style classes (calligraphy and such). I have always found it intriguing that no two person's handwritten words are the same. When a person leaves this earth they take their handwriting with them. How many times have you received a letter and immediately knew the sender just by looking at the handwritten address?

Uncle K's funeral will be this Wednesday (April 9) in Michigan. He will be laid to rest in the small town of his youth. His only child, a son who never married, will be driving up for the funeral. Last year K Junior sold his Michigan home and moved to Florida to live with and care for his dad. My family is not close. I can't remember the last time I saw K Junior and wouldn't know him, or any of my cousins, if I passed them on the street.

I'm going to try and attend the service. Should be interesting getting reacquainted with my extended family. I hear my sister might be attending as well. Her and I are somewhat estranged. I haven't seen her in years and we only speak, by phone, if a problem, concern or crisis arises with my parents. The "whys" of our relationship (or lack of) remain a mystery to me. I imagine my sister's husband will attend as well. He's very unpopular with the rest of the family as his constant demeaning, snide, sarcastic comments can make you feel like elephant dung in two seconds flat. It would be so much nicer if he stayed home ... but what can you do.

The weather was beautiful here this weekend. Winter finally relenting to make way for Spring. Both days sunny with highs near 60 degrees. It was wonderful giving the Winter coat and mittens a break. Saturday I felt tired and emotionally drained so I played hookey from work. That's why I have a business partner. It wasn't that busy and he easily handled all that needed to be done. Ended up cleaning my bathroom and enjoying the peace and quiet of some down time. Something that we all need from time to time.

Wishing all my fellow bloggers a fantastic week. I hope Spring is making an appearance in your area as well. Peace.

Posted: April 7, 2008