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Weakness, in all its glory

I have been told that my life will be like a fountain. With words spewing forth, frothing from decorative spouts, in lieu of the hydrous, calming blue.

Undeniably, my words are like water. They envelop my mind, drown my consciouness, float upon all aspects of my being. Inescapably, they are my constant companion.

What happens to a woman of words, a gregarious girl, when she cannot find how to say what needs to be said?

I suppose, the answer to that question is: simply, ineloquently. I am lonely and confused and tired and sad. I have had enough of trying to be something that I am not, in every facet of the word. I feel like the world’s biggest pretender; a false jack-of-all-trades. I know not my passion, I cannot pinpoint the meaning of it all. I am so, so, so lost.

And to add insult to injury, I have broken hearts and hurt others and made a fool of myself trying to find my way. I have hurt people who do not deserve to be hurt. And I have hurt myself.

The worst, gnawing part of it all is that I know the moment that I come to know myself well enough, the pieces will fall into place. And I will discover what it all means, and what is important to me.

The hazy, nebulousness of the right now, the place where I am, is painful. It is painful to be alone, painful to be with others, painful to sit at home, painful to be in public. This has, surprisingly, an easily definable source: no matter where I am or who I am with, I cannot help but wonder how it would be better if things were different.

If I knew what I wanted, if I was better, if I could go for what I wanted. And, the most frightening part: get what I need.

How is someone to assert themselves, to go for it, if they cannot seem to find what it is they are to be searching for?

The harsh, biting reality is this: the only way to know is to try. The only way to find out is to just do what it is that I cannot bring myself to do.

Posted by Clarissaag on 2008-06-15 01:29:52 | Rating: