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| Marriage chapter 4 |
My last email communications with my future employer in the UN had given me my flight details and said " be prepared to hit the ground running, this is an emergency" I flew to khartoum, Sudan, with great anticpation, unitil I realised that no preparation had been put in place for my arrival. It was still unclear as to where i was even going to get posted or what my status was, as in was I on contract or did I get a "P" status. It took nearly three weeks in Khartoum, staying in a hotel, and taxiing back and forth to the office in tuk tuks, The chaos and total lack of leadership was mind boggling. The left arm had no idea what the right ahand was doing. While I was in Khartoum waiting i had the misfortune of having to attend a monthly staff meeting. This was an extra ordinary event. It was chaired by the country director, who came in three quarters of an hour late, making the 22 international staff all on inflated salaries, wait. There was a nrevous tension in the air. people were feeling uncomfortable. When the big man arrived in a shuffling fluster, he presided over us with a venum, he called people "stupid" "ignorant" "lazy" he swore, he was swollen with anger, he smashed his fist down on the conference table, bang, bang, bang. The room looked at him with blank eyes. After the meeting I discovered that this was the norm. He was like a man out of control, crazed with lack of understanding. There is no doubt that the man was a very clever person, but his grasp of human relations was that of 'Rule with terror" As time went by it became clear that he was out of control, that the operation that he was managing was a joke and humiliating and somewhat bizzare. On more than one occasion I had my share of confrontation with the country director, his bellowing voice coming from a huge man towering over 3 inches from face. The encounters have left me shaken, humiliated and totaly demotivated. many good organised dedicated people left due to his terrorism, Including in the end myself!
My first task was to fly to the very west point of Dafur to a town called el Geniena, It is the border town of western Sudan to Chad. It was rumored that there were 10 000 chadian refugees along this border needing assistance and transferal to a refugee camp about 60 km east of Geniena away from the border. The task was to identify these groups of refugees and plan and implement the logistics and security to move them and there donkeys, camels, goats and meagre luggage through war torn Dafur to the refugee camp. Later the UN decided that no animals would be transfered at the expense of the UN. This created a crises for the already traumatised refugees. They had left everything behind on fleeing a war. Some of them managed to arrive with live stock, this was their future all that remained. Now they were left with the choice of leaving the animals behind or staying with them un protected. "Hobsons choice!" The actuality of the situation was very different, Villages had been attacked in chad, many of them close to the border with Dafur. Women and children had managed to escape and flee with some of their animals. Their husbands had been forced to join with the army or the rebels. The women children and elderly had set their camps up in sudan, as close to the border, out of Chadian militants way but still close enough to make a run for it back to their villages to maintain them and gather things, they also felt that by being not far from the border their husbands could come and find them. They did not want to leave, altogether less than 1000 people relocated. Those that chose to were sad and tired people, they had suffered terribly. Thye were incredibly brave, composed and dignified. It was very sad.
Once the operation was completed I was asked to fly back to the city of Nyala, the capital of Dafur, to work with our office there.
I took a helicopter, there was a driver there to meet me with a large toyota 4x4 with arials all over it. He assured me that it had been bullet proofed etc, even though i wish he hadn't as it had not crossed my maind that it should be! He drove me to the office block. I got out and went in to the office. I was taken through and in one office sat two girls working on their computers. I leaned over the desk and introduced my self to the first one, shaking her hand. I turned and put out my hand to intruduce myself to the girl opposite her and my life changed irrevocably.
Have you ever fallen in love? I mean fallen in love so that every nerve ending is alive. Sol that when you look at someone your sould leaves you and greets the soul of the the other person. Your heart goes in to giration. Where you have to sit down, try to breath, your legs will not hold you up. A love that consumes you, it takes over your very being. You are not in control anymore. The gods have taken over. Everything becomes perfect, everything is synchronised to perfection. there are no bars on any door. The colours are more vivid. the days are brighter. People are friendly and happy around you.
Once I had got over the shock, I was led to my office and shown my desk. The next week was torture. My first estimate was she was half my age. I could not sleep for on my mind. I was beating myself up. "Dont be stupid" "Wake up you dirty old man" What would she want with you anyway?" But the more i did this the more she remained steadfast in my mind. I could not shake it. I started writing poetry to her in the middle of the night. Then taring it up in the morning.
I could not stand near her, I tried to avoid her beautiful black eyes. Her long jet balck hair. I tried to ignore this angel! The UN has a ritualistic greeting and farewell of kissing eachother three times, two on one cheek and one on the other, I avoided having to kiss her good bye or hello, for fear of never letting her go. Soon we went on our first mission together. We had heard that the "Janja Wied" or "devils on horse back" in english, had a tacked a village 30 km north of Nyala. We heard that everyone was dead and the village had been burned to the ground. We had to go and asses the situation, See how many people had been displaced by the killing and what could be done to assist the survivors. It was on this trip that I learned that "M" felt exactly the same as I. "What are you doing?" she asked one quiet evening "What do you mean?" I asked " Why are you avoiding me, cant you feel it? Cant you feel what is going on?' " I cant concentrate with you in the room' she continued "In meeting I have to try and place my chair in a place where I cant see you!"
And there it was, in the open. From that moment we were never far apart. She was engaged, she had lived with her fiance for four years, they were about to get married. I was married! I had two kids. The following weeks were intense. They were full of supercharged feelings and emotions. Niether of us could move it the physical level, we knew where we belonged. It was dangerous and exciting. her telling me that she had never worked with anyone as exciting and interesting as me, and me telling her that i never met anyone that i respected as much as I did her, I was in awe of her intelligence and wit. I was in awe of her bravery. i loved her humour.
Our leave arrived at pretty much the same time. I was going back to my family, she was going back to her fiance, we had discussed that it was over. We had not slept with eachother! We had not even kissed. Noone else knew what was going on, although they all knew something was up. How could they not. I would ask to be transfered on my return from a weeks leave. I would not see her again. We hugged and held eachother and caught our seperate flights. I arrived back to Spain and a warm welcome from my wonderful family. But I could not get "M" out of my mind. We had agreed not to phone eachother. There was not a moment when she was not with me. The stress on my marriage weas bad enough without this added burden. As the days went by the aggression was more open. There was a distance between us, a mistrust. It was very difficult. Eventualy I asked "A" out to dinner, I said that we needed to discuss our relationship. She agreed. We went to a Japanese restaurant and sat outside eating sushi in the warm medidteranian air.
"So what did you want to talk about?"
"Well" I said "Things aren't to good between us really and i was wondering what we should do about it" " I have given it some thought and-----"
She interupted "I want a divorce!"
I looked at her, my heart was pounding but apart from that i was numb, "That's a bit radical don't you think?" "I was thinking more in the lines of a trial seperation, I am mostly away at work any way, nothing has to really change" "I can come back when I am on leave and you can go off somewhere while I look after the kids" "They never need to feel the difference, lets just try it!" " you will be free to date if you want, lets see if we can get things back on track, it is worth the try"
She looked at me and said " No I want a divorce, I do n ot want to be with you anymore, we will never be back together again, so what is the point of trying?"
I tried another tact, "Did your brother put you up to this?" "This is not you talking A, this is someone else talking." She had just got back from a visit to her brother spending over £3000 pounds of our money! He rbrother could not stand me and the feeling was mutual. "It has got nothing to do with him, this is my decision, this is what i want!" I knew she was lying i copuld see it in her eyes.
"A if this is what you want, then what can i say, it does n ot sound as if this is negotiable."
"It is not," she said.
we both had tears, we were holding eachothers hands and comforting eachother. It was painful. I was shaking.
She stood up , looked down at me and said, "I am leaving it to you to tell the kids" she left.
I have not seen her again. Seventeen years of marriage and adventure, two children, and she was gone! It is now over three years, and she has gone from my life, and i hers!
I think of her often, we talk on the net and phone. She is in love and very happy which makes me happy. she and I were a miss match, we love each other and we wish the best for each other, but we can not live together! It is over! Some time i feel that it is not over, I regret so much. I was not the best husband/partner. I was not good. I always knew her happiness would come from my departure. I wish that it had been different. i wish that I could grow old holding her hand while oyur grand kids terrorise us. I wish that we could walk along the sunset with kids and grand kids playing in the surf, I all but lost the teenage years of my kids!!". But it is not to be and what is, is. 'Ench Allah" or "the will of God"
I have a question that keeps coming back to haunt me;
"If I had not met 'M' woulod have i put up more resistance to the divorce and fought harder for our marriage?"
(Only one more chapter to go on this subject!!)
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Posted by Chomwedzi on 2008-12-18 12:11:02 | Rating: | Views: 36
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