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So Go Ahead and Leave Me...

So, I know I said that I'd post on like the twenty-sixth at least, and believe me, by now, I feel like it's way too late to be bringing all this up. It really does feel outdated, but I really just haven't been in the mood and everytime I was I was so tired I just wanted to sleep. I mean, that, and I've been doing my best to distract myself from thought all together. I'm pretty good at it.

Okay, so... My last post was on the twenty-third then... The twenty fourth, then... This was the day of the party, actually, when my brother came over. My grandfather, my uncle, and some other people who were to be other places on the twenty-fifth were here I guess. And the ones that didn't get along with the people coming over on the twenty-fifth, mainly my grandpa and my grandma. I was surprisingly happy. Some of my grandfathers relatives had come all the way up from Texas and they had brought their kid with them, who was fifteen.

We played some video games on my Gamecube for awhile and eventually they all went outside to play in the three feet tall snow drifts and throw snowballs at each other. I didn't really hang out with them for the rest of the day, but mainly with my Mother. She left to get my brother and, as part of our Christmas Eve ritual, we opened one present. It used to be the present that our distant Aunt Patsie and Uncle Stan sent, but ever since our uncle passed away they haven't been as consistent. I don't blame her.

So my brother came over, we opened a gift, and then his girlfriend and him crashed on the couch to stay over the night. I don't really recall what I was doing at that time, actually. I think I was doing something on the computer, but I don't recall what. Maybe I was actually sitting at the computer while playing on my PSP. I don't remember. I do remember trying to convince my Mother to take me to Cassandras to drop the presents off, but there had been a big storm and she didn't want too. We made a crazy bet.

I live on a chicken farm, kind of. We have chickens, and we sell the eggs, but not like, mass market or something. Just to friends. Anyways, she told me that if I could run out to the chicken coop and back she would take me to Cassandras. I'm not sure why I wanted to go over there so bad. Maybe I just wanted to see her again, or maybe I wanted to get rid of the presents and be done with the whole thing. Whatever the reason, I did it. They didn't think I could, but I did.

It wasn't easy. I put on my shoes and stepped outside in to the crisp, cold night-time air. It's always so quiet out here, and I like to stop and listen to it sometimes. I did that now before turning my gaze towards the chicken coop, where a snow drift was pretty much blocking my view of it. I knew I had to do this quickly or else surely I'd freeze to death. I am not, under any guideline, what you would call athletic. I refrain from most school extra-curricular activies. I sit there and listen to them tell other students how they'll get them pulled out of [insert sport here] if they don't do get better grades or if they do bad on tests/worksheets/whatever. I don't need that.

But back on topic. I hopped off the porch and immediately made a mad dash to the chicken coop. The snow, undisturbed for the most part, sunk slightly under my weight but I was making good distance quicky. Then it all fell apart. I was getting close to the snow drift and the snow just kind of... gave up. I fell down and was met with an icy cold bite. The snow was sooo cold, of course. That's how snow is. I took this moment to pick myself up (did I mention I was dumb enough to do this in my hoodie, jeans, and with normal sneakers? Forget warm clothing!) and and brushed myself off, and finished the mountainous climb.

I thought about entering the chicken coop and getting warm, but decided it would just smell bad. I made a show of touching the door and jumping up and down before making my way up the steep side of the drift, which was hell, let me tell you. I finally made it back up, and now I was getting short of breath. I didn't want to stop but I was really short of breath. I pushed myself back to the door and walked inside. Without a single word, I took off my shoes, walked upstairs to the kitchen where my parents were, and turned on the hot water to run my frozen pawsies(hands) under it.

We still didn't go.

Now, Christmas Day. I didn't want to get up, I was so tired, but I made myself. Took a shower and threw on my red hoodie and my white shirt, blue jeans, and got ready for hell. That's how Christmas is. My mother insists on opening presents one at a time, and we go around in these circles that have like, eleven people in it. There was my brother, his girlfriend, my two step brothers, my Mom, my step-dad, my uncle, my other, oldest step-brother, HIS girlfriend, my uncle, and me. Wow, I guessed at eleven, but I was right. It's hell, and it took like two and a half hours. I felt like crap pretty much the entire time.

It felt like everyone and their love was there. My uncles girlfriend showed up too. My girlfriend was supposed to be there. Even now, it makes me feel terrible. I wanted her to be there with me, opening presents and oohing and aahing at all I and my relatives had bought her. But now, this was what she had wanted. I was sour through the whole thing, but I managed to perk up whenever someone noticed. Then they'd stop noticing and I could go back to looking like I felt. I didn't want the attention on me, which was another reason I was so bitter during the entire thing.

My oldest step brother didn't even realize I didn't have a girlfriend any more - I broke my phone awhile ago and it didn't charge, and they had got me another. He was sitting next to me and I opened it and he said, "Hey, you can call your girlfriend with that!" I saw my Mom give me this kind of pained looked, as if she had felt that one. She might. She tried to tell me later that most people had gone through something like this, that my brother had, that she had, and that it sucked, but that I'd get over it. I know all this. I know she's just trying to make me feel better, but I'm not dumb. She even gave me the "million fish in the sea" thing. She gets an A for effort though. I know it hurts and I know I'll get over it, but you know what they say... "I'm grieving, it's a process."

So we finished all that and my Mom asked if I wanted to take those presents over to Cassandras. I didn't see why not, I mean, it was Christmas. So we got them all together (there was an entire box) and I called her up, told her I was coming, and then we left. Mom and I didn't talk much while we were going there, and I was okay with that. I was sniffling a lot, I don't think I'm fully over my cold, or maybe I'm getting a new one, but she thought I was crying. "No," I wanted to say, "I'm male, I'm not supposed to be emotional - If I'm going to cry, it will be alone, because that's how I feel now." but I didn't. I don't need or want any drama like that anytime soon.

The whole emotionless male thing is something I'm not going to rant about now though. We got to her house, and I couldn't carry all the presents. There were the ones in the box and then the ones that hadn't fit. So I grabbed the box. Her Dad was outside, we didn't even make eye contact. He was working on her car. I propped the box on the railing, opened the first door, and knocked on the glass. Her dog barked a few times and then went quiet. I know people hate it when you knock more than the first time, but I must have waited there for a full minute before she appeared.

I think she had showered - Her hair looked wet and she just looked clean. I don't know how to describe it, maybe some of you know what I'm talking about. It was almost like she was expecting something though, a word of kindess or something. She would be sorely disappointed then. I handed the box to her. "There are more." She got wide-eyed and put on that tone that I recognized immediately as the playful, "haha,that's funny in a ridiculous kind of way, don't you think?" and then she said, "Wow, are you serious?". Maybe I am imagining things, can anyone even recognize a tone in such a short sentence? Well, I am pretty sure I did. I think I said yes. Such a small detail.

I guess she put them in her house, but I wasn't paying attention. There was no need for her to follow me; I was going to bring the rest to her. Follow she did, though, around the truck to the passenger door. I got out the presents that my Mom had put on my seat and turned to hand them to her, and she gave me my presents. There were three - Axe body spray, a chococate santa, and chocolate covered cherries. They were wrapped, of course, but I opened them when we had left. I guess I was angry, because I handed them to her and I know I wanted to say something that would bring some kind of response from her. She seemed so happy, and here I was, being miserable.

She had ruined my Christmas, in my opinion, but alls I could think to say was "have fun.". Totally lame, I know. I wasn't thinking straight. It would have been better if I had even said "enjoy" which is practically the same thing but sounds better. Oh well. I got in the truck, without saying bye, without saying Merry Christmas or anything, and she didn't either. We drove away. That was it. Mom thought I was crying again as we drove home but otherwise we didn't say much. We got home and that's where the trouble began...

This has already become ridiculously long, but aren't most of my posts like this? Oh well...

I am a bit of a selfish jerk when it comes to being hurt. I never feel like I should be the only one suffering if I'm not the one that caused myself to suffer. In this case, Cassandra did it. So, being me, I wanted to see what she thought of her presents. I got more than I bargained for. I did call her up. It was a mistake, a dumb mistake. Someone told me that talking to her would make it worse. They were only too right.

I am getting tired, though, and this post is already disturbingly long. So I'll break it down for everyones sake. I called her and we talked, she told me that she was wrong, that she did love me, that if she didn't, why would she still miss me? We did talk for awhile. She was still talking to Brandon, apperently, but she wasn't dating him. That was confusing to me, but she said she needed time to think. She actually told me she wanted to date again, but that she didn't know if I'd be happy or if everything would work out.

Really long story short, we were kind of arguing and I told her I shouldn't be talking to her and that I should hang up but that I didn't want too. Eventually, while we were still talking, someone called. I can only assume it was Brandon. All of the sudden she flipped out, "Well if you won't make a decision, I will! I'm hanging up!" and she did. It was done again, just like that. I was hurting again as if we'd just broken up for the third time. It was terrible.

It's been a few days since then, and I thought I was feeling better, but I'm not. I was sitting down and someone put their hand on mine and I immediately thought of Cassandra and how she used to do that when I was upset. I almost started crying. If I can't handle that, how am I supposed to handle going back to school with Cass? I'm not sure, I feel hopeless, like it won't be okay as long as she's part of my life. I need help, any help, please.