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Slipping Sanity

I am honestly not sure where to start on this one. Everything feels irrelevant now. I feel as if all of the progress I made has been ripped away, and Cass didn't even need to look at me to do it. I have been depressed today to the point where I have actually scared myself. Decently sure I know what caused it, but I suppose I will point out some things about Monday too.

It was snowing really bad when I woke up, and when I got to school, everyone was talking about how we would be getting out early. We got up to third period before everyone figured out that we were getting out at about twelve. Fifth period came around and I went upstairs. My tech advisor wasn't there so I was just kind of messing around. All of the computers in our school are remotely connected, and so I was checking out some of the computers via Remote Desktop and came across Jordan, the one I hate.

I opened a direct link to his computer so I could see what he was doing, something dealing with poems and whatnot. He was on his e-mail was all I could immediately tell, and we aren't supposed to be doing that in school. I don't make the rules, I just follow them. After spending about a full minute watching him look through his e-mail I took control of the mouse and keyboard and typed in on a seperate windows login space, "I see you".

I have a pretty good idea how creepy it is when someone does that on your computer, I was sitting next to a kid once that had it happen to him. Of course, immediately, Jordan freaked out. He typed back something like, "sorry I was just checking my email to see if my poem had been approved". I don't care. I told him congratulations anyways and he said thanks, and I told him who it was. He still seems to think we're supposed to be all buddy-buddy even though I told the kid I didn't want to talk to him anymore.

Anyways, he asked if I was going to tell on him about the whole e-mail ordeal. See? Everyone knows the rules, some of them just choose not to follow them. I don't know why I would even say this to him, but I couldn't resist. "No, nobody cares, but I should. For Cassandra". Stupid me. "What do you mean?" "Forget it, I shouldn't talk about her". Of course he is quick to jump on this statement in what I can only interpret as an attempt to take advantage of me. "Wait, you are not going to get over it if you don't talk to someone about it."

I explained to him that I did not want to talk to him about it, because he is Cassandra's friend in the first place. Just typing that out pisses me off after everything she said about how she hated him. I actually believed what he said next, a bit, telling me about how one minute she is friends and the next she is blue in the face telling him off or something. I told him that, either way, I did not want to talk to him about it because I had once told Cassandra that I would beat his ass for what she said he did to her. Jordan tried to ask what she said, but I interrupted him with the fact that it was almost time to leave.

So I left. I did not talk to him for the remainder of the time I was at the school, and I hardly talked to him today either. Today has been a rough day though, for no real reason. We had a two hour delay so I got some extra sleep in. I was actually having a good day until I saw her, and it never really hit me until I saw her walking down the hallway talking with -- Yes, you guessed it. Jordan. I am glad I did not trust him. Ever since I was right about Cassandra cheating on me, I have been listening to my gut a lot more.

What gets me so upset is that she acts like nothing happened. She has been acting like nothing happened all this time. There is no guilt, she is not ashamed of herself at all. It is unbelievable. I almost lost it right there in the hallway. I turned though and went to my next class. I was so miserable, it was Drawing I. Gabe kept asking what was wrong and if he could help, and I told him probably not. I just wanted to leave, I almost did. Even now, I am upset about it.

I keep forgetting to mention this, too, but she has been lying to people about why we broke up. So, not only did she play me and doesn't feel a hint of remorse, but she is making people dislike me. The friends we used to have in common are no longer. Most of them don't talk to me now. I feel like I am really losing it this time. I have been contemplating things that are not really healthy to contemplate. It is not like I am thinking about beating her up or something stupid - no amount of physical pain could compensate for the emotional and mental turmoil. You can make a bruise or a broken bone stop hurting. You can not do that with emotions.

I don't know. I just feel so terrible. Like I am back at the start, only this time it is worse. At least I thought she still cared about me at the start. I really am afraid that I am going to lose it in the middle of school or something, or I might do something stupid. I guess I will see how I feel in the morning, but if I don't feel better, I can't choose not to go to school. I am ending this post now, before I rant further.

Good luck out there, other bloggers. Thanks for taking the time to read, as always.