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It is pretty late right now, but I am long overdue for a new post. There are some things I should get out about the past few days, though I have talked to some people about them and no longer feel that they are something I had to get out right at that very moment. I am not so sad anymore, but that is more because it has been replaced with a kind of anger that I can't really explain. The kind that makes you want to throw things at the person that made you feel this way. I know better than that, of course.
I will start on Thursday, when all of this went down. It was after school. I was still depressed as hell. I was sitting laying on the couch watching television. I think I cried that day, or maybe it was Wednesday when I sat up in my room for awhile and cried. Anyways, I was watching television and I couldn't take it anymore. It felt like not talking with Cassandra was doing more harm than good. So I texted her, told her I missed her, hoping for a response. I had texted her Wednesday too.
She actually replied this time, and said that she missed me too. I felt my heart leap, the prospect of her still giving a damn causing my stomuch to do a joyful yet somewhat sickening jump. We had a bit of a conversation, and she said she wasn't happy with how things turned out. This, too, sounded like good news to me. I don't remember most of the conversation to the nickle, because I deleted it off my phone already. I told her I was home alone though, and that she could talk. She said she was scared. Scared of talking.
I told her that she didn't need to be afraid, that I would never let anything happen to her. She didn't respond for awhile, and then called me. We had another conversation and she said she was scared to come over because she didn't want to argue. I said we didn't need to argue. Clearly I was desperate. I don't remember where the conversation went, but she wasn't at work. Apperently her work schedule had been changed. I already doubt that, but I wasn't concerned about it right then.
Then things turned to shit. She had already said she wanted to come over, and all of the sudden, after we had gotten off the phone, she told me that she was already going to a movie and wasn't coming. Okay, I was fine, but I told her that things weren't going to get better until we talked. I wanted to know who she was going with, but told her she didn't need to tell me, and she said she was going alone. Again, I don't remember much about what happened. I think we were talking on the phone again though and she started to try to blame everything on me. I flipped out and said that that was her issue, that she was never wrong. She hung up.
I was so angry I tried to get a ride to the movie theater off one of my friends, but he couldn't. No one could. I even tried Lindsey. This was where things got ugly. Not with Lindsey, by the way. I called up L and was talking to her, saying I was having an issue and really needed her help. With great hesitation, she listened to my plea, but she couldn't help out either. I hadn't even mentioned Cassandra yet, just that I needed a ride to the theater. It was then that it was revealed to me that Cassandra was out with another guy.
I wanted to go more than ever, my rage absolute. I had every intention of showing up there and waiting for them to get out, and jumping him. When it became evident I was not going to be getting a ride (dang I have a lot of friends, cough.) I started to cool down and realized that that would have been stupid. The dude probably didn't know what was going on at all. Poor guy. I let it slide, but I made sure to leave a voicemail message on her phone. I had already left two others, one from when she hang up on me and another apologizing and explaining that I was just frustrated about all of this.
See, because it was when I learned she was chilling with a different guy that I realized just how much she was playing me. In no uncertain terms did I leave a third voice mail, explaining to her that I knew she was out with some guy and that if I saw her, shit was going to get ugly,and that she had better avoid me like the plague. She didn't take me seriously at all on Friday, at least not at first.
Cass has to walk down my hallway to get to her first hour class. She made sure that Jordan prick was with her, though he kind of broke away when they spotted me. I guess he knew what was going down. C even made a sort of half-circle to avoid me, moving towards the wall. I just stood there and gave her this cold stare. I can be intimidating when I try, and I wasn't playing around. I was still mad, but I was tired too.
So, naturally, she didn't come to third period study hall. Or lunch, which it was our lunch day. I only saw her in the hallway, actually. Maybe three times, which includes that morning. It was refreshing to not be burdened down by the constant reminder. However, on a day like that, it probably would have been a reminder for how much she needed some morals or something beat in to her. For once she was not a constant reminder of what I had lost.
Friday passed decently quick, probably because of all that. People were telling me I seemed like I was in a good mood Friday and Saturday. I imagine I was. I didn't feel burdened down like usual. I talked to Aja a bit, she seems to be doing okay. I guess she wasn't extremely heartbroken in the first place though, and her boyfriend is really probably too young to be all that messed up.
I did talk about her about Cassandra personally a little bit. I told her about how I was upset recently because of how Cassandra didn't regret anything, wasn't feeling guilty or ashamed of herself or anything. Aja seeemed perplexed, really. She asked me, "She really hurt you that bad?" and I told her yeah, that I had really cared about her.
I guess that's really I want to get out about that. I wish I had more to type, but I don't. I am drawing a blank. So, good luck out there all you other bloggers.
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Posted by Chance777 on 2008-01-28 03:32:17 | Rating: | Views: 141
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Just stopped by to read your post, glad to hear youre somewhat better. Its a two-steps-forward-one-step-back-kind of thing. :-) That which doesnt kill you, will make you stronger!!
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Posted by greencat
on 2008-01-30 15:41:56
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Heyman I feel you, same shit happened to me before and it licks donkey scrotum, but your starting to become obsessed and thats REALLY bad. If you and her are done, dont contemplate hurting the guy shes with now cause thats unhealthy for every bit of a salvagable friendship you two may have with one another. Just chill and flow man, chill and flow.
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Posted by PublicAutopsy
on 2008-02-21 04:43:11
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