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Life's Razor Blades

First of all, I would like to thank everyone for their continued support during these rough times of mine, reminding me constantly that this is not the end of the world. Which I do feel that, without this blog, I would have been having a much rougher time. Last night was pretty hard but I talked to someone from thoughts.com and I was feeling a little bit better. It really does seem to help to talk about it, and I am glad I don't have to pester those people that reply to those emotional support e-mails. I would have gotten tired of hearing from me by now, haha.

But on to last night. I believe my last post actually cuts off when Cassandra and I were talking about how she couldn't come over and she started crying. The events of yesterday are a bit fuzzy by now, if ever they were clear. She was at the store when she started bawling I believe, because she was supposed to be shopping and got in trouble. I called her back a little bit later and we got in to another argument, but this was a lot worse.

Okay, well, first I called her and her Mom picked up her cell-phone and told me that Cassandra was indeed cleaning and that she wasn't lying about that. I said that that was fine and asked if she could tell Cass that she wouldn't be able to call because I was online and I have dial-up. She gave the phone to C at that time and I told her myself, and she said she was busy cleaning and couldn't talk right now. I said that that was okay and she said she'd be online when she was finished.

I believe this was at around four. I called her back up at nine and she informed me that she had just been getting ready to get online to talk to me. I asked her if it had really taken her all this time to clean her dinky little house, and she said no. Well, what the crap? I asked her what she'd been doing, and she explained that she and her Mother had made dinner and that she had had a conversation with her friend, Chazi. Okay, again, what the crap? She can talk to Chazi but not me? She said they hadn't talked for very long, twenty-five minutes. A hell of a lot longer than the two seconds she spent talking to me. I asked her what was up with that and she got pissed, telling me how she hadn't talked to Chazi for months.

Okay, whoa, let's back up about a month here. I'll try to remember it as best I can, but it's such a small thing I'm surprised I remember it. C and I, talking on the phone. Someone else calls and she puts me on hold for a minute or two. I ask her who it was when she gets back on my line and she says Chazi. So, what? Months? I tell her this - Busted. She explains to me that she had lied about that as well and that it had actually been Brandon. So, if she hadn't ever been having a really serious relationship with Brandon, why would she lie to me about that? I am so frustrated I almost break down in tears, a slew of words escaping me before I can even really think about what I'm saying.

I didn't really say anything bad, it was more questions. Asking her why she would do that, if she wasn't cheating on me then, why lie about it? She tells me that she just wanted to be friends with him. Bullshit, and I know it. She knew that it would destroy our relationship if I knew anything about what him and her were doing, so she kept it a secret. Just like the liar she has made herself out to be. The accusations fly again - I don't claim to be a flawless individual, and I've dealt with this crap long enough. I asked her, "How do I know that that was Chazi now then? I bet it was Brandon."

We argue over that point for a bit longer before she suddenly turns away from the phone and says something like, "FUCK! Mom, tell him that I was talking to Chazi!" Before I really understand what's going on her mother has a hold of the phone and is yelling at me. I can hear Cassandra in the background, and even now, it's painful to remember. She's shrieking, crying, yelling at her mom, "Please! Stop yelling at him Mom! Please stop!" or something like that. Her mother lowers her voice several decibles but Cass has lost it and breaks down in to another fresh spasm of tears.

The screaming from her ends and I am left in a rather awkward situation, conversing with someone who knows nothing of the situation at hand. She accuses me of never believing anything Cassandra says, tells me that I'm unhealthy for her and that I need to start believing C more. I counter with the fact that she's cheating on me and has a helluva hard time telling the truth in the first place, and that I'd believe her more if she'd lie less, but most of these points are lost on her.

I was later informed by Cassandra herself that the phone was thrown at her after I said something about Cass not telling me the truth. She picked it up and asked if I was there. I can her her mother in the background tell C that she can't come down to my house for Christmas. My ex-girlfriend seems to go in to partial shock, but can only manage a little sniffle and a moan of dismay, expressing her disbelief quiet effectively. I remain silent, still doing my best to recover from what had just transpired. No matter what Cassandra ever does to me, I will never forget how bad I felt when I heard her shrieking at her Mom, losing it.

C heads upstairs to her room where we talk for awhile, and I explain to her what her Mom said. About how she had said I was unhealthy for her and that I doubted we'd be able to hang out anymore if that's how she felt. We were a good ways in to this conversation when her own phone rings, the one on her nightstand (We were on her cellphone). She moans quietly again, picks it up, and then says hold on and puts it down to go back to talking to me. "It's Brandon." she informs me quietly. I regret it now, but I asked if she knew he'd be calling. She said she thought it was her Mom calling upstairs to yell at her, and I do believe that.

Not that it matters. She tells him to hang on again and I guess he hung up or something. Another argument ensues, go figure. I tell her that if she wants to make this relationship better she needs to call him back and tell him that she can't talk to him anymore because she's dating me, that she doesn't want to talk to him. Her voice breaks slightly as she asks if this will make our relationship all better. Not knowing if I'm telling the truth or not, I tell her yes. I think I knew from the beginning that it wouldn't happen the way I thought it would.

My wrists are getting tired, taking a break... Okay, I ate dinner and my wrists say it's okay to continue.

So anyways, she calls him back and says, "Brandon, I don't want to talk to you anymore because I'm dating JD." I am told there was a long pause, and after a bit, she asked, "Understood?" and he said something like, "Yes, more than you know." and hung up. I knew it was over as soon as he hung up and Cassandra started crying again. She loved him, more than she loved me. This drug-dealer and abuser from another state entirely that will never come and see her. I asked her why she was crying, and she said it was because he was her friend and that she would miss him.

I ask her if she'd rather be with him, she says nothing, and neither do I. After a bit she says she doesn't know, and I sigh. I know it's over, I'm tired of fighting over this. I'm done worrying. I know that even if I tell her not to talk to him anymore, she will. That's how she is - she does anything she wants if she wants it enough. Eventually I told her that she had to pick between us, that I wouldn't hold it against her if she picks him or anything, I'd leave her alone and we wouldn't have to talk anymore.

She expresses her concerns - she doesn't want to stop talking to me, even if she picks him. I tell her that if she does pick him, I don't need the constant reminder that I failed, that I lost, and that she would rather be with someone who will never work out. Cass seems to understand, and we sit there for awhile in silence, and I ask her if she wants some time to think about it. She says yes, and, I'd already said this before, but I told her that I knew he'd call back. I asked her to call me when she had decided, and she said okay.

This is where I get a bit pissed and at the same time, sad. It was approaching 1 in the morning and I called her back. Twice. She answered the second time and I asked her what was up. She told me I was right, that he had called her back and told her he wouldn't call her anymore and hung up. She had called him back and apperently they were JUST getting off the phone. This is bullshit. I asked her if she had decided, and she said yes, and she had picked him. I can't help it, I want to throw the phone across the room and scream and cry.

But I am not really like that, and keep my emotions in check. She had decided this while she was talking to him, which, if you ask me, isn't fair at all. It's a biased decision, and I tell her this, and then say that I guess it's her choice. She should know what she wants. I tell her that there's no way she can ever take this decision back and she says she knows. I ask her when I should bring her presents over, and she says she doesn't know, whenever it's convenient for me. That's dumb, because it's never going to be convenient for me now. Ever. As long as I remember this.

I want to hang up and I almost start crying, but I hold it back. There's no reason for her to need to hear that, and she doesn't deserve it anyways. I mean that in a bad way, too. She doesn't deserve to hear my cry, because she has never cared. She told me that she had never loved me, that she just thought she did, and that she really loved Brandon. I choke back another sob and tell her I can't believe any of this. Eventually the conversation ends when I tell her that I thought she was something good in my life, what I'd been waiting for, and I think she started crying. I tell her good-night, she says it back, I say bye, she says it back, and I hang up.

I must have laid there for a long time just thinking, wishing at that moment that I was dead and wouldn't need to feel this way. All this time I had been paranoid of all of this, and all of my paranoia was justified in the end. Pretty sad, really. I think it'll be a long time before I can date anyone again, or even want to. Pushing myself from the couch, I wandered over to the computer to browse the web and try to cheer-up. Not much luck. Before long, though, I can hear my Mother wake up. She's walking down the stairs and I can hardly contain myself.

I stand up and turn the corner, she's saying something but I don't hear it because I can already feel my expression changing, contorting in to the same one I used to make when I was four and I had skinned my knee. I can't remember the last time I cried to my Mom it's been so long. I wrap my arms around her without thinking, she does the same, and I put my head on her shoulder and let out the most unmale-like wailing cry-thing ever. Just bawling my brains out, and my Mom, probably thinking I was hurt physically or something, is standing there, "What's wrong, JD? What's wrong?" because I don't think I've ever cried like this around anyone but Cassandra, and even then, it wasn't like this, and she hadn't been there for that.

I swallow roughly several times in an attempt to get my throat clear enough to explain, and at the same time, I really didn't want to stop crying. I knew when I stopped I wouldn't be able to start again. Still, I got myself under control enough to tell her that Cass and I had broken up again, and this time it was for good. At first, she didn't even believe me. I let go and walked back to the computer and explained to her in a very short short version what happened. She was pretty mad too, and she tried to call her and texted her several times. C was either asleep or too scared to answer a call from my Mom though, because she never did.

We haven't talked since last night, though my Mom has tried today to talk to her, and got through her cellphone once to be answered by Cass' mother, and my ex-girlfriend wouldn't talk to her. My Mom texted, telling Cassandra that she'd have to talk to her eventually. Not much has happened since then though. I'm sure C is happy with her decision, though, happy living out a lie. Perhaps I'm just bitter, but that's how I think it will turn out. I almost feel sorry for her, and then I remember all of the time and energy I put in to that damn relationship just for her to tell me it was a lie.

In the end, though, I am relieved, disappointed, and angry. I am relieved that it's all over, that I won't need to do this anymore, but you can't be with someone that long and just... be okay with it not being that way anymore. It hurts, I won't pretend it doesn't. Christmas and Christmas Eve will be awkward. It turns out a lot of my family members bought her presents, not just me and my Mom. I am not sure what I will tell them. I guess that we aren't together anymore. My Mom said we would probably take them all over to her house Christmas Eve.

That ought to be a blast, I guess. Maybe I will just leave them on the doorstep, knock, and leave before anything can really happen. I don't know. I'm losing my concentration though, it feels like I've been typing this up forever. I probably forgot something, too, but oh well. I am amazed that I get comments on these posts at all, and have to wonder if people are seriously reading this top to bottom. That would be pretty amazing. I don't really think much when I type these. I just crank my music and start typing up what I remember to the best of my ability.

Anyways, thanks everyone that took the time to read my complaints. It does mean a lot to me that anyone reading is honestly that curious. I am dreading these coming Holidays, but when they are over, I hope I feel better. Maybe some family time is what I need. In case I don't post until the 26th or something, Merry Christmas. I will try to post tomorrow if I deliver those presents to tell everyone how it went. Adios. :)