So many thoughts. This is why I hate posting. I am feeling a bit better, though, let me tell you. I just hate needing to organize my thoughts in a comprehensible manner. It's painful and takes too much time. Usually I just type, because things flow out and it doesn't feel so much like a chore. Let me take a moment to look at my old post and see where I ended it... (4 comments, by the way. Insanity. That and the views are about the only reason I am posting again.)

Okay, that didn't help, but I guess I'll start with my grandfather. The one I said was dying. Well, it turns out he's going to die or he's going to live. They don't know yet. He started doing better, but not anymore. We went and visisted him on Thursday. He was very tired and he mostly laid there. I talked to him a little and was worried because I was sick, but I washed my hands before and made sure I didn't cough anywhere near him.

He is in the ICU still. Mom says he doesn't like it there and yesterday he was fighting the hospital people. He doesn't like that tube that helps him breath, and I guess he has a sore on his butt? His lungs are scarred though so either he will recover or he will die. What kind of timing is this anyways? I am not blaming him for it, I am blaming this "God" of which you all so highly speak. Every day I look for proof of his existance, and every day it is shoved back in my face.

Maybe I am just angry. I am going to be getting that new tower Wednesday, or so claims FedEx, but how happy a day will it be if my grandfather dies? A tower can't replace a family member, no matter how much of a tech fanatic I am. I hope he turns out okay. It is the only grandfather I possess, after all, and he has always been good to me. I would miss him if he died. I would cry. Everything in the world would become that much darker. He has never been anything but a good guy. He was nice to Cassandra, too.

Enough about that, though, I suppose. I know I said I feel better, and I guess I do. It is when I think about my grandfather that I become upset. That, and the fact that most of the things that were in my control have passed. The computer stuff, for instance. That was pissing me off for awhile. I had everything rounded up that I wanted to bring over. I was going to put it on a data CD and pull it over to the new tower, and the data wouldn't burn. More money I would have to spend.

I was quite proud of myself, too. Anyone with any computer knowledge knows that your typical CD-RW holds 700 megabytes. I had compressed and deleted and edited the crap out of all of those files until they were under that limited. Quite proud. Go to burn it on to the CD-RW and it won't. I must have downloaded five programs trying to make it, reinstalled my optical disk driver, everything. Nothing. I went to the store, got some DIFFERENT CD-RWs, because sometimes certain brands are just stubborn. Nothing. So I bought a flash drive and put it on there. That's about fifty dollars blown on trying to get the fucking data to be stored. At least I found out the keyboard and mouse aren't as expensive as I expected, so I may be able to buy those and a few games and still be able to replace my PSP.

It's all stored now though, and I have everything I can think of that I want. So it's over. A lot like Aja and me. I didn't talk to her Wednesday and she didn't talk to me. That's fine. I felt very little loss. Certainly nothing in the way that I felt when I lost Cassandra, but sex was involved. That was a mistake, it always will be a mistake, and next time I will have to think with my brain and not my penis when it comes down to a situation like that again.

I went to my Grandmas too. She had presents for us and later that night we all opened them. I got "Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul" and my two step-brothers got bibles. I was surprised they didn't have any in the first place. I've had mine since I was little, for as long as I can remember. I can remember going to church with it and everything. That was a long time ago. When I got older I used to hide money in it.

I've read some of that Chicken Soup book too. I especially read the section about being backstabbed. There was a story in it about this girl who loved this guy with all of her heart. One night they had sex and the next day he told her he didn't think they should be together anymore. Maybe it is wrong for me to think this way, but if I had been that girls friend I would have beat that guys ass. Some people are so selfish, I would just like to make them feel the pain they incur on those around them in a more physical way. Because sometimes physical pain is the only way people can understand.

Does that make me a bad person? Maybe. Probably. Do I care? Not really. I have been around long enough to know that the world is not fair, it never will be. Not anymore than it will be flawless and full of logic. Sometimes you have to exact justice in your own way.

Eh, I ran out of things to say. I know you're all waiting for some great, dark secret to be revealed, but it wouldn't fit in right now at the end of this post; it would be out of place. Another day, perhaps. So I'm going to finish in my usual way, with a good luck to my fellow bloggers.

"Faced with what is right, to leave it undone shows a lack of courage." - Confucius