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Okay, another post, another day. Very uncommon for me but I have gotten in to the habit of posting whenever Cassandra does something that I don't really expect. Plus, I am hoping to get some views and comments! It is one of the big reasons I am still here, people! Come on! But anyways, I am posting for plenty more than that. You will probably need to read my last two posts to understand most of today, and perhaps all of them to understand the very final point of today.
I followed the usual routine today. The only real difference was that there was a two hour delay. I woke up at 6:30 like always and realized nobody else was awake. I am usually the last to wake up. I don't even need an alarm anymore, I've been waking up at that time for so long I wake up no matter what. I went upstairs to my Moms room and she was there, and told me there was a two hour delay. So I layed down in her room and fell back asleep. Woke up about an hour later, got dressed in the usual. This time it was my neat abstract kind of design black hoodie, my Nike black tee, and my blue jeans.
Drove down the drive-way and my step-brothers almost had heart attacks again because the window wouldn't defrost so I was driving down half blind. I wonder how they get through every day alive. Got on the bus, still sliding everywhere, got to school, went down to my locker. I am still convinced that Cass takes a different way in. Maybe tomorrow I will watch to see if she comes in from the usual way. Or not. Probably not. That wouldn't make much sense. She really doesn't seem to want anything to do with me. In fact, she seems to have suffered a complete loss of common sense. Let me explain the day though...
The first bell rang and I walked with Aja up the hallway again, almost missing Cass once more. I noticed later that she was wearing the hoody that my Mom had bought for her. She had gotten me one like it and I haven't worn it yet. How does she do that, I wonder? I can't believe she can honestly wear the things my family and I bought her and not feel at least a little guilty. I'm almost certain that she wears the necklaces I got her. There's one that's a heart with a dragon around it and another I got her because she said she liked it, a dragon with blue shimmering wings.
First period went by, the teacher told us all we were worthless for the thousandth time, and held us after class so I couldn't go get my homework for my study hall. I did my Biology packet that I was supposed to have done that day instead and played Tic-Tac-Toe with Aja. Since it was a two hour delay, I had fifth period next for the full fourty-five minutes. The instructor, while we were walking down to the Open Access Computer Lab, told me about how next Monday the tech team would get to help instruct the teachers in HTML. That should be a blast. I updated the eMacs and went back up.
If you'll recall, Cassandra was going to be at my lunch period. I was starting to feel sick right around then and I almost didn't go down. I went down there though and she wasn't there. She's almost always the first one down. I got lunch and sat there and ate, Chinna showed up, then Rachel and everyone else. Rachel pointed out, not for the first time, that we have to be the wierdest lunch table there, because we were all associated with or did drugs. I don't, mind you, but my brother did, and he sold it, so I get his reputation. Cass never showed up, though, and I think I knew where she was.
Now I know in all my posts I keep talking about how I don't ever want to go back with Cass and everything, and hell, we've both said we'd never get back together. Ever. I guess that illogical little voice in my head is still alive though. I keep wondering if I should go see her. I was right about where she was. In the office, working on something. Does she want me to seek her out, secretly, in the back of her mind? Does she just not want to deal with me? If she is avoiding me, then logically there must be something wrong. Maybe she's not, though. Maybe she just needed to do her homework. I don't know. I wish I knew something, because it's getting frustrating.
I have found a unique perspective on the entire situation today though, while I was in third hour study hall. She has returned to not looking at me or speaking to me, and for the most part, I ignored her too. I glanced over at her once or twice to see what she was up to but otherwise I worked on my Biology. Near the end, after I had finished, I got out my lime green notebook and wrote randomly. While I was writing, I thought of this new perspective. What if I don't miss Cassandra? Maybe I just miss what came with her? The cuddling, the comfort, the talking, the being together. But if you think of it that way, isn't that really true with all people? I mean, unless you like their personality, and while I enjoy aspects of Cassandra... Obviously she has flaws I could live without. Namely the whole lack of caring about me.
So that was interesting. I probably wouldn't be all better if I found a girl like her, because Cassandra was really the first girl I was ever super serious about. That didn't mean much to her, obviously. But I am still convinced she just has some kind of psychological issue. She never did respond to my text message yesterday. I'm not sure anymore whether it is okay to hate her, or if I should feel sorry for her. Fourth period came around and Aja told me that Cass was hanging out with Jordan again. Hence, my earlier statement about the loss of common sense. She has had bad experiences with him already, was that not enough for her? Is she trying to get my attention by this? I didn't see them doing it, but maybe Cass has caught on to Aja.
I am at an impasse, unsure of how to act now. The rest of the school day passed as can be expected. Cassandra avoided me entirely and I, for the most part, didn't think about her as long as I was keeping busy. I was late for the bus, as has become the norm for me on days where the bus leaves as soon as it can. I haven't texted or called Cassandra at all today, by the way. I think that might actually bother her, and that was what caused her to talk to me in the first place. I doubt she will talk to me anymore though, and that's fine with me. Everytime she does something that deals with me I feel myself losing my hold on the progress I have already made.
I went home and got in to a scuffle with my older step-brother. I don't know what happened, it wasn't that bad, but I think just the rush of adrenaline and emotion broke me. We got up the drive-way and I went inside, and I was sitting at the computer scanning over the thoughts.com website when I just started crying. I sniffled, sucked it up, and went upstairs in to my room. I just lost it. I cried for literally fifteen minutes straight, tears and all, just thinking about C. Shut the light off, took my glasses off, buried my face in my hands with the sleeves pulled up and sobbed and cried uncontrollably.
If anyone heard, and I bet someone did, nobody came to check on me. That didn't bother me. Nobody except my Mom has seen me lose my usual facade for years, and my Mom only saw that night when Cass and I broke up the second time. I don't think she realized I was even still upset about it, but she did walk in because she had to leave for work or something. She wouldn't have even noticed if she hadn't turned the lights on. I made myself stop when I knew she was coming in, obviously. She sat down with me and asked me what was wrong and I just told her I missed Cassandra. She asked what had happened today that I was so upset and I couldn't really answer because I didn't really know, and she just concluded that it had finally just overwhelmed me, all the holding it in.
Maybe that was it. Probably. I still don't know. Maybe just everything she has been doing to me, everything she had done, all of it finally just built up and exploded the second my emotional wall weakened a bit today. I guess that's about the same thing as it all just overwhelming me though. Either way, I clearly just lost it. It's been so long since that happened, and I cried so much it started to hurt. She offered to stay home but I said it wouldn't accomplish much so she left and I laid there for awhile. I took a nap later downstairs but the rest of the day has been mostly uneventful. I am just a little concerned because I will randomly have little break-downs again where I'll just start crying a little and then stop.
Anyways, that's about it for my Cassandra problems of today, so now I am going to type about stuff that doesn't really belong anywhere else but in it's own category. I have already made the three points I mentioned in the first paragraph. It has kind of become my usual routine to at least mention LIndsey anyways, so...
We have been texting today, of course, as usual. I mentioned to her that I thought I was losing it and she asked about it and I told her about crying, and she said that that was good, that it meant I had made good progress and was on my way to healing further. I hope she is right. I hope I go to school tomorrow and don't have to pretend so hard that I don't care about her anymore. It would be a welcome change. I bet it would go a long ways towards pulling me out of this kind of funk I have been stuck in, this overly-sensitive, sad, needy funk.
I think it is about time I discussed some of my friends, though, starting with Aja. If you've been following me along so far, you'll remember that Aja is the one Cassandra thought I was screwing around with. We affectionatly refer to each other by our opposite gender family relation. We are not related at all, by the way. I call her brother and she calls me sister. I call a few of my friends brother though, namely Jenni, who also calls me brother. Well, she did. We don't talk as much anymore actually. She used to find it pretty funny though. Dunno what happened. Anyways, this is Ajas space anyways. I have considered dating Aja on occasion, I have reasonable evidence to support the theory that she would be interested in dating me.
Darn, I guess Aja gets two paragraphs. Anyways, we always hang out, and I would date her, but I don't think we're really alike enough to date. She isn't really what I am looking for, and she's my friend, on top of it all. I wouldn't want to ruin that, just like I wouldn't want to ruin my friendship with Lindsey. She's never had a serious boyfriend before, and I would hate to end up being her first serious boyfriend and then breaking up with her for whatever reason. I don't want to be the person to do that to someone else. It all kind of becomes moot as soon as I think about how she isn't really what I'm looking for anyways. Maybe that will change though.
There are a few people that I feel deserve mention in my blog, because I talk about some of my friends and enemies all the time but never really explain them. First one, and only one today, is Stephanie. I mentioned her in yesterdays post I believe. She is good friends with Lindsey and L's youngest sister. When she lost her virginity practically everyone within hearing distance of her that morning knew about it. She's very loud, for the record. She playfully hits on me sometimes, and I bet if I really tried, I could get her to give me some friend benefits. Not that I'd wan to. I am not very good at sex with no strings attached. It is akward to me to do that with someone and not have any feelings for them.
Which is ironic - There are religious people on this website who do things like that as often as they breathe and don't have a problem with it, and I'm athiest. I thought things like that were like, sinful to their religion, but maybe I am wrong? I seem to recall a certain religion where you're supposed to abstain from sex until marriage. I guess the fact that they're always forgiven no matter how much they sin is a big advantage. I bet they feel really smart. But this isn't supposed to be a religious flame. I don't have anything against any religion. Usually it's just the people that claim the religions as the one they follow and then go against it and give it a bad name. And the people that try to force it on to others.
I am pretty much out of things to say now though. Thanks for reading this post though, and please comment, good or bad!
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Posted by Chance777 on 2008-01-08 23:22:30 | Rating: | Views: 260
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You're obviously a very smart guy mr. Chance777. Some of the stuff you have posted are thoughts of someone far beyond your years. And for the record, there is nothing wrong with putting your age on your profile... i agree with you that maturity goes beyond someone's age but one of the greatest things that comes with healthy maturity is understanding that time and experience really do lend quality to the opinions of others. I've had many similar experiences to those you have listed and it would be silly of me to pretend to have answers for you, but when you know someone has been there before, just hearing, "things will get better" ends up actually making a difference. I hope you'll consider changing your profile to reflect your age.... even if some people do use that information to give bad advice or whatever, part of maturity is also understanding that not all advice is good advice.
by the way...very nice Fromm quote. I had the pleasure of reading "The Art of Love" for several classes in college. Good stuff.
I look forward to keeping up with your bloggings.
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Posted by NewYearREZ
on 2008-01-08 23:47:37
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I think Friends make the very best couples.
They are already compatible iwth eachother and get along just fine, and its basically just kicking it up a notch.
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Posted by PublicAutopsy
on 2008-01-09 20:00:45
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Hi JD. Im glad to see that you're taking it all one day at a time. Hang in there. :-)
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Posted by greencat
on 2008-01-09 22:37:40
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