So, I actually made this thoughts.com account a bit back, when I had intended to post. You know, because most people have heard at least once that it's always good to get it out sometimes. I'm not sure if this counts if I don't really hand out the link, but oh well. I guess I haven't posted yet because I've been busy.

But today I'm not - I stayed home from school today, for a number of reasons. I seem to be getting a bad cold, and it's only been getting worse. I've started to wonder if it's not something worse. But that's not all. See, last night, I was at my girlfriends...

I had just finished a long, arduous day of listening to my teachers babble and talk and blab and assign homework. My girlfriend was there to see me, because we decided we might hang out at her place. I was hesitant to go, because her parents aren't particularly fond of me and there probably wouldn't be much to do. I'd have to stay there until 8:30 to 9, but I decided to go anyways. We got there and we played around on her computer a bit, and I noticed she had pictures of her ex-boyfriend on her computer. I said nothing, because I have things on my computer that she might not like that I may have forgotten about by now. No big deal.

We listened to some music and talked and did all that good stuff, then we went in to her living room, which was practically the same room, and began to watch some TV. The Simpsons was on but I wasn't paying much attention. Somewhere along the way she got me to climb on to the footseat... thingy... I forget what they're called. But she gave me a back rub and it was nice, and eventualy we went to eat. Meatloaf, peas, mashed potatoes, olives, and some other things. I didn't eat much because I still felt so sick and I think her Mother was a bit offended that she'd made so much. I told her it was very good though and then my girlfriend and I went upstairs to her room.

We still weren't doing much, but it had been a number of hours since I'd been there. We tried to get her television to work but something was wrong with her satellite receiver or something so we couldn't. Her mother called her back downstairs to help clean up and I just laid there. Now, being who I am, I silently observed her posessions and moved over by her nightstand. There was an interesting black little book with some character or another on it. I recognized it immediately - it was more than a month back, when our friends had rented out a small movie theater to play video games on, but they didn't have one of the power hook-ups so we had went to the nearest Wal-Mart to try to find one.

After losing our traveling cohorts in the store, and having no success in finding the power cable (they didn't have it), we had began to wander around. Eventually we came across these little notebook things and she's stopped to point out that she thought they were cute and that she had one. I nodded quietly and we continued. I was instantly reminded of that moment when I saw that book. Curious, I picked it up. Now, I don't know when I picked his habit up, but if I want to see what is in a notebook, I read it back to front. There was a poem as I was flipping through but that's all I noticed. However, as I got near the front, there was a slew of writing splashed across each page. Lots, written in my girlfriends had writing. I picked a page near the end that ran off in to the next and began to read. I actually believe it might have been December 16ths entry, or if not, then the one before that, whenever the date was on that one.

It was clear that these were some of her deepest thoughts almost as soon as I began reading, things she would never share with me. Feeling guilty but thinking that I only wanted to finish one of her newest passages since we'd started dating, I read on, and was horrified at what I found out. When my girlfriend and I first started dating, there had been a lot of arguing, because she had already had a boyfriend. I had told her that I wasn't going to be played, but I thought that she eventually dumped him for me. Boy was I wrong. She told me that she had gotten rid of him. She had lied, lied to me about everything. Lied about cheating on me. In the passage it said that she and him were talking as if they were dating again, and that she had started having phone sex with him again, and that it was a good feeling.

I closed the book, put it back down where I had found it, and stared blankly at the wall for what felt like forever. I couldn't cry, I just couldn't bring myself to do it, as much as I wanted too. I always tell people that crying doesn't solve anything, and it doesn't, but it sure does feel good. And yet, I couldn't. She returned, eventually, and sat down on the bed next to where I was. "Babe, what's wrong?" she asked, only to receieve no response. I was reminded of a time not long ago when she had told me she would never cheat on me. Placing her arms around me and leaning against me, she tried again. I looked over at her dully and asked quietly, "Are you cheating on me?" and I swear I saw a moment of fear flash across her features, worry, and she seemed too startled to respond immediately. She stuttered a little, barely noticable, but I was holding eye contact. "No, of course not!" or something like that.

Shaking my head, my gaze turned to her diary.
"It's right there, you know."
"What is?"
"Your diary."
"So?"

I heaved a deep, sad sigh and shook my head once again. "I read it," I told her, and it was odd, because I still felt a guilty about it. I had invaded her privacy. "You... read it?" she repeated, sounding somewhat disturbed at the idea. "I read enough." I said, my gaze still cast down, a flurry of feelings invading me at that moment. Guilt, sadness, regret, fear, a simmering kind of fury. Who was she that she thought she could do that? "You read something about Brandon, didn't you?" came her response after a moment of quiet consideration. I nodded and stood, and she did the same. I don't remember much of the rest, I was so frustrated and just wanting to die at that moment. It all just kind of blurs together.

I can get the gist of it down, though. At first she was begging me to forgive her, pleading, and she wouldn't let go of me, so everytime she touched me I'd move out of her grasp. Eventually it was starting to get violent and she started to cry. I'd try to walk past her and she'd grab me, I'd pull away and tell her not to touch me. Eventually she started telling me that she loved me, that she'd do anything for me. I hate seeing her cry. I grabbed her by the arms and I told her that she could start by calming down. Things calmed down from there and eventually I told her I wasn't going to break up with her if she never talked to him again, but later that night I got home and things just weren't okay.

So we aren't together anymore. I told her when I woke up that I was having second thoughts and that I didn't want to date anymore. She was supposed to be at school but she came to my house and we talked and didn't accomplish anything. She just said she was sorry and that she loved me. She receieved an hour detention and an appointment with the school counsellor for showing up at school so late. I've been dating her for over a month now, I wonder how much of it has been a lie? I don't know. I feel so terrible and hopeless I just wish I could die sometimes. I've been breaking down and crying randomly today while communicating with her via text.

Things haven't looked this bad in awhile... I don't feel good at all.