Well, it's been awhile since I've posted. The only reason I am even creating this one is because I have been getting asked by a few people if something is wrong. No, nothing is wrong. I've just been having my own few problems and I've been doing other things. Nothing has really been going the way I would like it to, as well. Heh, I guess then that would mean something is wrong huh?

I think I might be slipping back in to those dark depths of what I can only perceive as depression. I was much happier before, but things have been going downhill. My secret relationship, things with Aja, just the works. I will get over some of it, some of it will resolve itself, and more of it I will just have to forget about. I don't like to let things go, but I might have to in order to feel better.

I think I might stop posting here. I know it's stupid to worry about views and the like, but I enjoy knowing people are reading this stuff. It makes me feel like I've been getting it off my chest, that other people know. Plus, I like the feedback. I don't get either one anymore. I don't care too much, I just won't feel so inclined to post it here. I've been holding some things in all my life. I'll be holding some things in all my life. It won't be a huge change.

I guess I should make this worth the few views it will get though. Starting with some of my lesser issues, namely my computer. It's dying. I almost feel guilty about it. Yes, I'm just going to let it go. I feel sad right now, knowing that. It's stupid. It's not like this computer has feelings or something, but I sure have had it for a long time. It is always done its best, or I'd like to believe so. I am going to have it replaced with something much faster and much more powerful. That should fix all of my computing problems.

My Grandpa is in the hospital and they think he is going to die. There is nothing I can do about it, so this falls under something that will resolve itself, like the computer thing. He has had cancer twice and lived both times, but his immune system has suffered and now he is very sick and dying. They are not sure if he will make it. Mother hasn't been home for more than a few hours in about the past week with work and everything. I feel bad about that too.

There is another issue that is very, very minor, yet I still worry about it a bit. When I get the new tower, I am hoping everything works, and there are things I would like to buy for it. Games and things. However, I would also like to replace my PSP because mine is all scratched up now. In short, I have very little money with which to buy all of these things, and it sucks. I am going to have to compromise, and I know I will not be terribly happy with however it works out financially. I can't really ask my mother for money. She is going to be giving me a hundred dollars because I made it on the B Honor Roll at school this trimester.

Funny story behind that. I didn't try for it. I just did my assignments and turned them in. I had to try the first trimester, and you know what's so fucking terrible? I only made it for Cassandra. That's the only reason I did those stupid fucking assignments and worked so damn hard to make it on the honor roll. For Cassandra, so we could go on the stupid field trip together. My stomuch tightens, my jaw clenches, concentrating becomes difficult for a moment. I hate that stupid bitch, and I'm not someone that throws the word hate around easily.

I am writing on raw emotion now. I am just going to get it all out. I don't care.

I know my problems are so minor to some of the things others are going through, I know, I feel bad for that too. I feel bad I should even be considering my feelings when there are people that deserve the attention I recieve for my petty issues. I have always pointed in their direction whenever it was my turn, too. I've always been aware of how insignificant my problems are, so I tuck them away. But they are still there.

As for the problems with Aja? I am done with her as well. I have decided to refuse to associate with anyone that has anything to do with Jordan. I think he set that shit up to. I think he started to act more like her friend when people started thinking something might form between Aja and me. I hate that kid too. I am sick of him, and yet, I am just going to leave him alone. Normally I am a very blunt and forward person, but not with this. There's no point. Anything that has ever gone down between myself and the school administration has been against me. I've almost failed classes when I was blamed for shit I didn't do. I've just been telling him to shut up. Aja was very upset that I wasn't talking to her anymore.

Sometimes I wonder if I am doing the wrong thing, if I am being selfish or unreasonable. But hey, that is just how I am. Often I am going against my emotions in these things and I become unhappy. If I have to ignore her to stop myself from being in a funk every day, you can bet I am going to ignore her. Just like how there is this other girl... I am not sure what it is about her but I think I may be attracted to her. Which would be awkward, because we don't have much in common. She talks all the time, plays sports, and is younger than myself. I am generally quiet, don't play many sports unless it's for fun, and generally go for older women. I will get over Aja and this girl though.

Jordan and Aja will not be at school Monday and Tuesday as far as I know, which will be nice. Cassandra will be, but you know what? I don't really see her much anymore in the hallway. It's very nice. I love it, honestly. In the same way I love not needing to see other mens genitals.

I don't get enough sleep anymore. I guess that's my fault, and falls in to the category that I have to fix it myself. That hasn't been much of a problem as of late though, now that my secret relationship is going down the drain. Am I being unreasonable there, too? I trust my gut. Ever since Cassandra, I have trusted my gut. Because I was right about her, and I had had that feeling for awhile. That something was off. Now I have that feeling with my secret, how can I ignore it?

There is probably something I should get out. Something terrible, horrible. Yet I just deleted it all because I don't feel ready to give that out. Not here. This post is already an unorganized mess that people are going to have a hard time reading. Plus, I should be leaving soon to go to bed. I know I forgot something, but I can't think of it, so I will let it go. There are a lot of things I should get out, really. Maybe some day I will post them here, if I ever post again after this...

But, you know the drill...

Good luck out there, bloggers.

"One life is all we have and we live it as we believe in living it. But to sacrifice what you are and to live without belief, that is a fate more terrible than dying." - Joan of Arc