Wow...first ever blog...this is odd.I find myself not knowing what to write.

I have a lot of things that I want to say but can't think why anyone would be interested in reading them. This online blog thing confuses me in that respect. It is hard to know where to start when you've never started before.

Basically, Im an 18 year old female...what preconceptions go with that?I live in England and have just started University. It is probably the most stressfull thing I have ever done. Money is the main catalyst of stress mayhem! I never thought it would be so difficult to find a part time job, but with over 1500 students all wanting the same thing, well I guess there is only so much on offer.

Its November 27th. Apparently it's already christmas there are lights all over town and the fattest christmas tree I have ever to this day witnessed stands right infront of the towns 'famous' statue, as if it were more important (we all know it is). I'm the other end of town in my halls. A unit of 50 people between the ages of 18 and 24, you could say it gets a little hectic at times but I am surprised at how much DOESN'T get broken to stolen or generally vandalised, students are the best people on the planet, you can learn a lot from them. But in this unit of young people, I feel like I'm in rehab or something. I'll tell you why...

Having an eating disorder is the life and soul of the party in my head. It's been about a year and a half since things started going squ-iff...and I have told noone but my friend Lenny*...So we get these catering cards, £36 a week for one person, sounds like a lot but each meal is about £3.00. The tremendous guilt that comes over me when I don't spend all that money in a week is heartbreaking because I know that I have to pay back the loan that funded it one day. I'm sitting here eating toast like a bird, pecking at what's on my plate as if it were poison. I know it is ridiculous but something in me tells me I can't help it....and I can't. When people think of someone with an ED they think of attention seeking, fussy young girls. It is so much more than that,or should I say less. The bottom line is, in my case at least, that food is just not what we want right now. And it probably won't be for a long time. It isn't really even about the weight anymore, it's more about the control. The power of being able to change yourself at the drop of a hat,or a fork. It's the building up of willpower, almost to prove a point to yourself and others that it is possible. This sounds so selfish. It is mind numbing. I know full well that we need food to survive and so does every other ED sufferer on the planet, but it isn't about surviving, or even dying. It's about the way in which you live and the way you want to be. Ok, so to start off with it was stupid in my head...I knew that what I was doing was a fool's game and that nothing good could come of it, but you convince yourself. You slip into routine and if you ever come across anything that will push you out of it...you ignore. Almost like an OCD. Today, if I didn't do the things I do related to food then the amount of guilt that would stand over me is absolutely terrifying. How can I be different to how I am now?I don't see that far yet. I know that recovery is the main thing...but for now I feel safe in where I'm at. I know it sounds disgusting if you can't understand. I don't expect people to read this and get a different take on eating disorders, but it would be nice for someone, even if it's just one person, to understand that it isn't just an attention seeking act. I'll be honest I started out because I wanted people to notice a difference in me, to grab their attention again, but at this stage...and at any stage hereafter,it is entrapment.

I hate how the media today is souly blamed for the goings on of the teenage brains in regards to body-image. OK, part of the mind set is reflected by the media and, yes, people take note of how others look, but doesn't everyone? When I see an emaciated model on a high fashion catwalk I don't think, 'I want to be her', if anything I would probably say she looked ill!!

I understand that these concepts are maybe a little tough to understand when you haven't lived with an ED and when you can sit around a table with your family and be happy that the plate infront of you is loaded...but this disorder is too often looked at as a teenage girl's wish to gain affection, and there is so much more to it than that.

I'm off to make cereal...that surprised you.

Celris

xxx