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| A Smelly Thing Happened on The Way To California
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It was a dark and stormy flight. An unusual thing happened on the plane on my way to California with my wife, Kathy. It was most unexpected. I didn’t even notice, but my wife smelled something really bad. I was busy with my Texas Hold ‘Em game and didn’t notice that she was frantically sniffing the seats, checking her armpits and smelling my breath to determine the source of the freakish fragrance .
Suddenly and without warning Kathy popped right out of her seat and moved to a nearby-unoccupied seat. I just sat there thinking, “What’d I say?”
The seat next to her was also empty, so I moved over into it, and asked her what that was all about. She said, “Goodness, didn’t you smell it?” I didn’t smell anything, and she exclaimed that something near us smelled so bad she nearly threw up. “I had to move or I was gonna loose it on row seven.” Little did we know at that point that “The Smell” was just beginning, and it would soon become the theme of our entire cross-country event.
On Jack’s first visit to our little corner of the world, some evil doer on the plane had informed him that I was a George Bush impersonator. Jack, our flight attendant came over to talk to us and I instantly learned that he was the source of the deadly fumes. Jack was fascinated by what I do, and had far too many questions. With his hand up on the overhead luggage bins, we surmised the yellowish odor was emanating from under his armpit. It was hard to breathe, and as we knowingly glanced at each other, even harder not to laugh. As Jack finally left, Kathy reached for the barf bag.
As soon as we could inhale we both simultaneously burst into laughter and quickly reached up and turned on our overhead air vents. We don’t know why we thought this was so funny. It wasn't. It was really horrible. Were we laughing out of fear that he’d return. You know, that “I know something you don’t know,” kind of nervousness, an embarrassment, or perhaps we were simply hyperventilating, we weren’t sure.
When we first boarded the cross-country flight, Jack was serving somebody a Bloody Mary in first class. It wasn’t until later that we realized why they booted him out of first class. You don’t get to first class by being sensitive.
The uh, actual nuance of the fragrance made us wonder if perhaps it was coming from his britches, which were, sad to say, at nose level.
Then Jack came back. We thought that we were goners. “So where have you performed?” he wanted to know. Then he had his own story about how he obtained this button he carried around in his pocket and was about to show us. He slyly withdrew it from his pocket, and it had references to eating pretzels and profanity. It was not a nice button, presidentially speaking. Somehow this didn’t surprise either of us.
Finally Jack left again. We exhaled and out came more nervous laughter. We just couldn’t help it. We were so concerned that we would laugh out loud as he was talking, and he’d ask us what was so funny. I hate it when that happens!
I felt an odd mixture of joy, disgust and sympathy. I was happy he was gone from my seat. “Maybe he doesn’t know,” I said to Kathy. “Yeah right.” Kathy can be more keenly attuned to the obvious than me.
“I should say something,” I said to Kathy. “Maybe I should tell his assistant.” “Trust me,” Kathy sighed, “She already knows.”
Then the service cart came. God must have a sense of humor because they parked the thing right, and I mean exactly at our seat, and served the entire plane from that station.
Every time Jack opened another beverage he waved his arm up. With each click of a can opening, we got a fresh whiff of manly musk.
Even with our overhead air on full blast, it was truly unbearable. I felt my mouth begin to water and my ears got hot. Kathy wasn’t getting it as bad as me, so every time I winced, she just sat there and laughed quietly but hysterically under her breath. Thanks dear.
Then I decided I had to say something to him. “Poor guy,” I thought as I considered how I would feel if I was killing folks around me with my “oh de essence”. Maybe his nose is broken. It was settled. I had to tell him. I got up and went back to the galley in the back of the plane. He was back there with his two assistants. “They’ll leave in a minute,” I thought. I didn’t want to embarrass him in front of his co-workers. Then he told them what I do, and then it was twenty questions.
I stayed as long as I could bear, while taking only quick shallow breaths, through my mouth. The mission failed. I returned to my seat, and decided to tell you guys all about it. If Jack ever reads this, “Hey Jack, you know I’m talking about YOU! Yes YOU with the button and the mustard gas, Take A Bath!”
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Posted by BushGuy on 2008-02-12 02:18:24 | Rating: | Views: 91
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It looks like the Captain or his coworkers would have told him. I'm glad I missed it.
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Posted by Pauligan
on 2008-02-12 04:40:35
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Hey John, I think that employee was on my flight from Ottawa to Chicago last week! Luckily he was only around me for brief moments every 20 minutes or so.
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Posted by bumpngrind
on 2008-02-14 18:18:42
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OMG....I feel for you.....I use to do someones hair once a week, and I about gagged each time she came in for an appointment...Only it was her breath, along with the smell of urine.....
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Posted by Hollis
on 2008-02-16 23:05:53
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Hahaha! Awww...that's awful. I can't believe you actually had the guts to say something, I'm glad you didn't. But then again, if I'm ever on one of Jack's flights...I may wish you had.
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Posted by BitterSweetheart
on 2008-03-08 05:13:31
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